So while speaking with a friend of mine, I’m really getting tired of that leading line,  we were talking about one of my favorite subjects…me. But lowkey my friend gives me the business. So we were discussing the fact that I play my cards close. Meaning I just can’t let someone know everything, I don’t want anyone to have the upper hand on me. So as we talked, specifically what brought this about I’m not sure,  I said “I just play my cards close.” At which time he responds “I can tell… But on a serious note though, when it’s time for you to settle down, you’re going to have to let go of that.” And then at that time I went in to all of the reasons I am not really that bad. And truthfully I don’t believe that I am.

So mainly it’s emotional. And that just be that I am almost anti-girl…meaning I just don’t like to be lumped in to stereotypes of “what girls do”. And not that I am Ice Woman or anything I just don’t like one sided emotion.  Or at least being the one the one that has expressed the emotion and left blindsided with nothing.  Though it doesn’t change the emotion it does change the representation of the relationship. For anyone who has ever like someone who didn’t like them back you understand. And for that reason I just rather wait see if it’s worth letting a new friend all the way in.

And true it may have to do with the fact that people have shown themselves to me in many ways to not want to let them in, but I do. It doesn’t happen at once and for others it takes a long time for some it just clicks… However I do know that the people who know me the best are the ones that understand my tactics. They understand that I don’t lack vulnerability, I am just selective of with whom I will share it. That it doesn’t show my lack of trust in you but merely exercising my wisdom in what people can and can’t handle regarding me.

So I wrote this poem so time ago, though it is not autobiographically, but this is how I feel about it…

Everyday I wake up with a new reason to hate you and be upset/ Another reason to scream at u/ and another handful of regrets

Regrets?/ the fact that it happened/ that I’m that girl/ that no sooner than this is finished that you won’t care/ I didn’t see this coming/And that I don’t have a get back

What I understand?/ I understand the reason I feel this way is my own fault/ you hurt me deeper than I ever thought/ And that make this just another sad love poem/ I understand that I am mad because I know things I shouldn’t/ And that I don’t just feel like this because I’m a girl/ Because I wasn’t sure

Lies/ didn’t end and begin with you/ what did I know/ what did you/I know more than you could ever dream/ and you’re more imaginary that I could ever believe

I didn’t baby you/but I did care/ I didn’t smother you/ but I was there/ And remember just like with HIM/ through my pain, hurt, anger, and rage/ bleed poetry and truth/ And this pain must birth Redemption, success, and confidence/ For all the things I lost in the fire

Hands gripped around a glass of This bird- Solange mixed with Poetry- Danity Kane with fuchsia shock creme on low nails