I don’t know what has brought on this mood, however I don’t feel very cheerful. I haven’t really had that hard of a week, but I am  drained. I love that people care but I don’t always know how to express myself. But today is the time I will, try. And it’s not that any of this is in any way hidden more that I “have learned to deal with it…Learned to use it”

I have been called many things that represent me having great stature. And many times I don’t feel like I am any of the things that people say I am. I look at myself with all of the mistakes that I have made, all of the people I have let down, and all of the opportunities I have allowed to slip through my hands, and I don’t know how people can see me any other way than how I sometimes see myself.

I understand that many people love me despite my mistakes but sometimes it gets overwhelming to not to see only the future without remembering the past so much that you revisit it… I look at what I done and I feel as though it was a culmination of wasted time.

Coming out of a nearly 3yr relationship that was my pilates pants and tank top to my long day in stockings and heels. And if you didn’t get it, the relationship was relaxing and comfort to my strain and chaos. That is until it began to cause strain and chaos. I haven’t been in many relationships, less than a handful. And this one was crazy comfortable from day 1. It changed my concept of what the world was supposed to be. It changed my life.  I loved being able to fully open without much judgement. I loved it until it the relationship overwhelmed me. I was not me any longer, I was the relationship. I was a relationship that would not and could not flourish. I was suffocating in not being able to grow. And one day I woke up and could not take it a longer. I couldn’t live in that place for the rest of my life. So I listened. This thing would not longer be Drivin’ Me Wild

Relationships can be dead but look live to us
I guess we all been through it where we try too much
Losin yourself and you’re lyin and stuff
Wishin for the diamond cuffs, in search of a ring
Where love is not a mystery it’s everything

So I got the message and I got out of Dodge. But now I am lonely. I feel as though noone would understand. I feel like I have to keep it inside. I don’t have the outlet I once had. I don’t have the security I once had. Security in myself transferred into security in the relationship. And now that it’s gone I have to build the security in myself by myself.

Have you seen movies where the person is clearly in some sort of deep pain, and they stand near a window and it begins to rain?  That is how I feel a lot of the time. Being in a very evident place of pain that is severelly over looked until it begins to really rain. I look into myself to find…

I’m so used to rain
That I can’t see the sunshine no more
I’m so used to the pain that the
The sickness feels like a cure

Looking into myself unsure if I am enough.  Enough to keep people in my life. Enough to find what I need within myself. Enough to find the things God has put into me. Enough to continue to take steps without seeing the staircase. Enough to be who I am destined to be. Enough to be his Esther. Enough to die to myself dailly.  Enough to make them consider me as a friend first. Enough to have true friends. Enough to truly no longer care about what you think. Enough to me the real me all of the time.

I mask this on the daily. I am confident that I am a person of great potenial, however I don’t know when I will see the potenial. Fakin my way to the top. I do believe in me. But I need to believe in me more than you do. Am I enough for you? Am I enough for me?

I am slightly sorrow sippin’ Natasha Bedingfeild’s Soulmate with chipped black nails.

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