This morning I cried some of the harshest most distressing tears of my life. I pleaded with the person I once considered my best friend. I couldn’t understand why he couldn’t see the situation for what it was, a friendship. I spent hours trying  to convince him that this wasn’t the right decision. I poured out everything, memories that I thought would keep him from following through with the decision that he already made. I stayed up in to the wee hours of the night, until even I got tired of saying the same thing over and over again. My problem was how did you allow someone that didn’t know how the cards felt when they were thrown down advise you on how to deal with this?

I never got my answer. I convinced him to rethink this. And I was wrong. I was really wrong. I slept on damp pillows. I awoke with swollen eyes. I wore shades anytime I could. I was told that I looked tired. I mean I was. It hurt. Then as the day progressed I thought about his words. My existence compromised his sanity. What kind of friend am I that would be selfish enough to disregard your well being? Between words of two really good friends, I began to heal.

I knew that space needed to be created but this was not the space that I had anticipated. I thought about how dare I tell him how to heal. I realized this was bigger than me. So I backed off and if one day God sees fit to restore my friend’s confidence in me it will happen… I know one thing I have to keep moving forward. And I know it will hurt and some days it was be hard but I will continue to put one foot in front of the other.

Now to the guys who got me through this. It’s all love. Always. All love. The three of you have dealt with me in love when you probably didn’t think it was as big of a deal as I made it out to be. So shouts to Derek, Rob and Max. You didn’t press me, you allowed me to come around. All day I fought the tears. Every time that someone asked if I was okay. And I am. I am a very strong woman and I will get through this. I don’t plan to reference this again. So to all who decided to read my soul, Thank you for being empathic with me and I love you all for it. Ps. Thanx to Max for allowing me to skip today.

In a healing mindset drinking in Mary J Blige’s Rainy days and Brittany Spears’s Stronger in the buff.

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