THANK YOU JESUS! I have to say that because I have started a process like many would not believe. I am a smart person. I really am, it’s not so much as I need someone to tell me what needs to happen, but really just the heart to receive and apply. I have a lot on my mind I hope it all makes sense…

So I told one of my friends about the happenings that have occurred in the past few days. She told me that it happens, sometimes people have to do what they have to do and you have to move on. She talked about how 2yrs ago we knew how the people in our life were going to be around forever and what we would be doing with our lives and now that is neither here or there. She told me that sometimes you have to come to the realization that everyone isn’t meant to be in your life for ever. I then told her ” Why do we cast people who are only supposed be in our lives for a season for the entire series?”

This is the premise of the question. On television you track the passage of time in seasons and the collection of all seasons together make the series. Some people may have only been needed for a few episodes and you have given them a season and a half when its not to the betterment of the show. In the show their presence virturally means nothing to the storyline. I then thought about the terms on which me and my ex stopped speaking. I thought that no matter how things changed a friendship could not come about ever again. Why? I turned to my sister and asked her this: Due the circumstances that lead to the house burning to the ground why would you try to rebuild it? She answered because you need somewhere to stay.

I retorted why not find a new place to stay. I used to say if I broke up with a boyfriend I would not get back with because there was a reason why we broke up so why try again. Yet, I pressed pause plenty of times in my prior relationship, which is why they are suffering so with my choice to eject.  It is not always the relationship ending that should determine whether or not you begin again but the conditions on which it ended. Some relationships should not be restarted. When you do it can become forced. It typically ends with one or both parties feeling that the relationship is a wash and always has been.  The bible says in Jeremiah 29:11:

 11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. “

That said God knows what is in your best interest. And in times when you don’t understand why things have turned out its because it’s not for you to understand at that time. I have had to truly understand that this is a breaking process. And I’m just not used to feeling this vulnerable.

So in the days that have past I have found myself feeling weak, restless, and drained. I am not a weak person, so I’m sure you can imagine how out of my element I feel. I felt so out of control of my life. And that may have been the problem I felt like I was in control. Really we aren’t and maybe when feel we have too much control God and life have a way of showing us that we don’t have what we thought we did.

Earlier, I was thinking about the song Daddy by Beyonce were she sings about how she wants her husband and unborn son to be like her daddy. She says that these qualities should be in the men she will later have in her life. I began to think about this in my weakness, I thought I want to be like my mother.

My mother is a very strong woman. More than even I can imagine but with what I am aware of I know she is strong for no other reason than that is how things get done. I remember telling a friend of mine that my mother loves my father dearly but if he ever left (which is not something he would do) she would be hurt but she would keep as business as usual because she has people and things that depend on her and her strength. My mom raised us to be strong but not overbearing. I think that is what is missing with many people in general. The understanding that there are things more important than you and your feelings which is why you have to continue to push through all of the hurt and pain.

Marvin Sapp says, “When you say that you are going through, you are speaking life into your situation. In order to go through you have to go in at one point and come out at another.” And I am truly going though. I do appreciate you taking the time you dwell with me and my possibly scattered thoughts. Always love. Always.

Absorbing Destiny’s Child’s Through with love and Free along with Kirk Franklin’s First Love blissfully natural.