Today I am just going to share in one thing that I was taught.  Mixed signals. Or rather the lack there of.  My father would tell my sister and me, “Let your yes be yes and your no be no.” And I have taken that with me through life. I always want me intentions and expectations to be clear to avoid confusion.  I have a phobic obsession that actually prevents me from sending mixed signals in certain situations.  I take the time to think about what messages I am sending and to whom.

The main issue with sending mixed signals is that people can not accurately receive what you are trying to give them. A lot of times the sending of mixed signals can lead to uncertainty and destruction. When I lived on campus I had a roommate. Generally we both did not spend much time in our dorm room, both of us spent our time away with our at the time boyfriends.  One day seemingly out of nowhere my roommate began to give me the cold shoulder. One day she just was rude to both my then boyfriend and me. It began to severely bother me mainly because I did not know what the issue was.  One day while both of us were in the room our Resident Assistant comes to our room to schedule a meeting between the two of us.  When we get into this meeting where the topic of discussion is my then boyfriend being in our room so much.  She then states that she mentioned it to me and I didn’t respond. Now the conversation as I recall was not that clear cut as she made it out to be. One day in passing she mentioned that if my boyfriend was found in our room we all could potentially get penalized. My then boyfriend was an underclassman and on our campus underclassmen did not have visiting privileges until a certain time in the semester. Now the issue with her mentioning this was, that same day she snuck an underclassman from another dorm into our dorm through our broken security door. He then stayed in our room after visiting hours. Truthfully, I did not disregard her words but I just thought that she was trying to convey the risk associated with what we were doing.  Now the real issue was, even though neither one of us spent much time in our room she felt that my then boyfriend was around too much. And she had every right to express that opinion, but she never did until our meeting with our RA. What she had said was that there would be repercussions if he were caught. Now what if I kept him out of our room until he was granted visiting privileges, we would have had the same issue just at a later time. Why? Because she did not say what she meant and what she did say she invalidated her words due to her actions. I could not receive her message because of her actions.

So I have coworker who is sleeping with a married man. Now I have another coworker who claims to go to my church though I have never seen her. The coworker who “attends” my church encourages our other coworker to continue in this affair with this married man. Even going as far to say that it is his wife’s fault that he is cheating on her saying, “She knew he was like that before she married him.” And because things like this always end badly when it actually starts to unravel the coworker in the “relationship says “Why do bad things always look so good?” And the one who says she attends my church says “Because that’s the way the devil makes sin look.” I sat there on the verge of laughter. How can you encourage someone to do wrong and then say that the reason they are in the position they are in is because the devil makes sin look so good? How am I supposed to receive that? The kicker is the encouraging coworker is married and she would have raised all kinds of hell if her husband was cheating on her. People fail to see the reality of situations. You can’t receive knowledge from me if its chased with nonsense.

I was reading this article in Cosmopolitan about women who are virgins in their 20s. Firstly I don’t think that there is anything wrong with that, more power to those who have been able to keep themselves. However, in the article one woman talks about how though she is a virgin and plans to remain one until she’s ready, takes part in activities while in her underwear.

“One night, I was in bed with a guy, and I was in my bra and panties. He started touching my upper thigh and said ‘You don’t seem like a virgin. I thought you would be uncomfortable when I touched you.’”

This truly disturbed me. She proclaimed to be a virgin who was waiting for Mr. Right. How would Mr. Right feel about how you allowed other men that you knew weren’t Mr. Right touch you the way he would? The fact that you proclaim yourself to be a virgin a conscious choice, should you be offended that someone told you that you don’t seem like one? Why as a virgin did you feel it was okay to be exposed to this guy with no intent to have sex with him?

Not that I feel that merely participating in questionable activities should be the grounds for someone to violate anyone’s body, but how can I expect someone to hear my message of abstinence or celibacy while naked? I can’t. I am by no means saying that women or men that have been violated have sent mixed signals and that led to their demise but it is less likely when all channels of communication are saying the same thing. I made a choice long ago to make sure my words, action, and appearance all said the same thing. Not that I always am successful in this but I try to always be aware of the messages that I send. In all aspects of life communication is key. We are aware that there are many levels of communication so we need to make sure they all say the same thing.

 Intensely drinking in Chrisette Michele’s What You do while in Fuchsia Shock Crème.  

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