“How are you tonight Mr. KABC?,” the caller says. “Well, I’m better than most not as good as some,” responds Mr. KABC

As I laid in my bed last night thinking on the events of the day, I began to realize and really understand how blessed I am. I thought about all the things in my life that I want and don’t have. Things that I haven’t accomplished in the timeframe that I wanted. And I thought about how I am thankful to be where I am doing what I am doing. No it’s not my dream fulfilled but its better than a nightmare consummated. There are a lot of places I could be and a lot of things I could be doing. I take great gratitude in believing that God saw fit to pass me over for my due justice. I am very happy. I am in a very peaceful place.

With this new found peaceful place, I have found myself putting together things, idea, and plans that I had wanted to set into motion. I am excited for my future and my today really… Yet. Everyday that I think about the things that make me nervous. I am scared to get too involved. I have a friend on my Facebook friends list who had a status saying “doesn’t have a heart anymore, so until I get one, I’ll be breaking others! Just call me the Tin Man!” And I can understand it really hurts to let someone in and everything that was “built” dies, and not only dies but dies a terrible death. Now for those people who know me they know that I believe that death, though sad, is very natural. But when friendships and relationship die that cuts deeper than actual death to me. Why? Because if someone dies they are gone you don’t necessary have a living memory of them that you have to fight against.

What scares me is that you could feel something so deep for someone and it have the possibility of vanishing. As I type this my heart is in my chest and tears down my face. It’s a complex that I work against. I really do understand it but I try not encourage it. I am afraid that I will be too much, say too much, feel too much and one day it won’t be returned. I am known to be one that breaks most of the female molds. I am one that is never insecure but that is what scares me. One that I could feel what I feel and two to know that I am fighting against it when it seems that it is fighting against me. Now I am not a pessimistic person, really it’s quite the contrary, I am just scared that I could want something too much. Just the thoughts that randomly circulate my brain. I am hopeful that time will defy all insecurity and patient for that day.

I knew that this blog would bring a lot out me. This isn’t quite what I thought a lot would have been but a lot nonetheless. But I knew that part of the a lot would be the random things I have thought about today. I am actually surprised that I haven’t added this as a page on my blog but I think I will after this. Just things that annoy me or things I consider random and off brand.

Being “upgraded” from mistress to boo.

I have a coworker who has been in an affair with a married man for months. She gets pregnant by him while his wife is pregnant. They hide this from his wife until the it all falls apart. The wife kicks him out. The coworker has a miscarriage.  The wife gets him fired from his job. Now he’s in my coworkers bed. And now its all babe this and boo that. Can you really trust a man who cheated on his pregnant wife? I heard a very wise quote ” If you were the side chick and you become the wife or girlfriend remember that the side chick position is now open.”  Think about it. I mean natural progression friend>>girlfriend>> wife; not friend>>mistress>> boo. I’m not judging I’m just saying, if your going to be the side girl “stay in your lane.” It will make you already complicated and messy life a little less complicated and messy.

People who do things for attention for compliments

There is no reason to call attention to oneself to get a compliment. Truthfully, as painful and blunt as this sounds if no one mentioned it no one cares but life will and does go on. It bothers me.

Thirsty guys

Thirsty: desperate. I know that guys aren’t the only ones that are thirsty and  I have seem some outrageously thirsty chicks as well but chicks don’t come up to me that often. Thirsty dudes never cease to amaze me with the stupidity. I will always give a dude an out… The main one is that I will ignore you so you could save yourself the embarrassment but the majority of them just take that as a greenlight.  To that I say “You’re holding up traffic green means go! GO! GO! GO!”

Thank you all for taking this interesting ride with me on this night. I appreciate it. It’s always always love.

Reflectivly taking in Mariah Carey’s Through the Rain and Vision of Love in a deep purple shadow.