An ex boyfriend of mine asked me, “What do you want?” I responded, “I want everything.” Then the line got quiet, he didn’t know how to respond. But I was serious and I knew that would be his response.  He really wasn’t serious about me. And I knew it.

I asked my 11year old sister what she wanted for christmas. She said she didn’t know. I asked her if there was anything that she felt like she needed. She told me she needed a Nintendo DS. I told her that she did not NEED a Nintendo DS.

All of that said I was thinking about the things we say we want vs what we think we need. Not only what we need and want but when and how we want them. I have been struggling with wanting what is for me only when it’s for me. Sometimes I see people doing things, going places, and taking advantage of opportunities I wish I had. And I have to pep talk myself out of the sadness because I would not want to mishandle anything that I want or need because I got it before I could handle or appreciate it. Everyday we see how people squander away what they want and need because they received it before they could really handle it. What they wanted or needed dies along with pieces of them. And that’s not what I want.

I have realized that this is not about being patient it’s about being content. Being content not until you get what you want but content enough with yourself that even if you never get what you want you don’t go into mild or severe depression. You have to know within yourself that you are made up of moments that you wish you could live over and over and moments you wish you never have live again.  And that what is meant for you is meant only for you and be stable and secure enough to wait on them. I have been doing some thinking about who I am and what I want. I have changed plans and changed plans and changed plans again. And many times I look around I see where I am and where I thought I would have been and at times it makes me upset.

I know that it may just be me but I see so much for myself and I so much left to accomplish. I know that I could have absolutely anything at anytime but at what cost? I may not have come to a great epiphany but I am at a calmness with what I have and what is yet to come. I know that I may not always feel this way but I know that when I think about this I will understand that my time will also come and I won’t have to be out-of-order to have any of it. So for those who may be feeling like you are behind or don’t have what you could have know that you may not be where you want to be but you are not where you could be either.

Optimistically taking in Keri Hilson’s Energy and Chrisette Michele’s Fragile with chipped and cracked shocking pink.

-Imagoodgrl

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