For at least the past few months I had been harboring these feelings about what I felt my friend should do to protect my feelings. I did what I considered “feeling out the situation”. And one day it call came to a head. The question? What do you want me to do? They basically offered the solution that I had been thinking of for months, but the inside of me wished that conversation would not have lead to the decision. I wanted them to make the decision on their own.

A few years ago, I said I was going to “stop trying to make you love me the way that I love you.” And today that has brought me here.

Sometimes we have relationships and it may seem or feel as the the relationship is lopsided. You feel like you give more. You feel like they take more. You feel like you consider them more. You feel like they consider you less. You feel like you want the world for them. You feel like they could care less about what really happens to you. And at the end of the day you feel drained. They have never felt better. So what do you do?

Sometimes you just want the consideration that you put into something or someone to be returned to you. It doesn’t seem that difficult or far fetched. The issue is sometimes we feel like “they should just get it” “they should want to return to me what I gave to them.” My parents always told me not to lend or give anything away that if you never got it back you would be upset or you can’t do with out it. And latley I have realized that also applied to feelings and emotions.

Have you ever ended a relationship and wished that you never wasted the time or emotion on them? Not just with significant others but friends and co-workers too. You feel like “I wish I could have seen this coming and if I had I would have never [insert emotion or sacrifice] for them.” I have. I do. Sometimes I wish people showed me the same consideraation that I show them. You want me to go out of my way to do something for you but you can’t do something for me that is on your way.

So yea at one time I said that I would stop trying to make someone love me the way that I loved them. I lied. I can’t make myself get over the fact that in relationships that we have chosen to build that we shouldn’t get exactly what we put in to them. So what happens now? Do I change how am I in my relationships? Or do I just speak up? If I do what then? So many questions.

Lately, I have been doing a lot of thinking. About who I am and what I want. Sometimes I just feel like sometimes I convince myself of things so much I’m lying to myself. I used to say “The worse thing you could do is lie to yourself.  You can lie to your friends. Your family. You could even lie to God, its pointless since he knows the truth. But when you start lying to yourself, you start to believe it. And that is the worse.” The truth is I really don’t feel like I have anything I want. That makes me sad. To me it seems like a dumb thing to be sad about. In the times that we are in and especially taking into account my age, its not the worse thing in the world. There is a lot in front of me. *Light bulb* I guess on that part, I’m going to be okay. I will get it together so what if I don’t have all together right now.*Kayne Shrug*[1]

One day I hope to be past expecting to receive what I give. But today is not that day.

Sorrowfully taking in Fred Hammond’s Lost in You Again with chipped Bachelorette Bash and Tart Deco.

 


[1] Kayne is not a typo. It is a play on the term *Kanye Shrug*. Lyrical  roots from Kanye West’s Diamonds “It’s Kanye, but some of my plaques, they still say Kayne.”

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