love


Sunday night, I cried some of the hardest most painful tears I’ve ever cried. I found out that one of the closest friends that I have died. And not just that she died but that she’s been dead for little over a month. The only word that describes how I feel right now is devastated. Defination. Devastate: to cause (someone) severe and overwhelming shock or grief. It just fits so right. I. Am. Devastated.

This isn’t the first time that I have spent crying lately. Last month my parents and youngest sister came to visit. If you didn’t know my parents live in California and I live in Maryland. I have lived here for 5 years. I have been married for 3. And the truth is while I have a good life here, probably better than I could have at home, I miss my family every single day. Holidays that were considered small mean so much when you’re away from the people you want to be with. Mother’s day, Father’s day, and all of the Kobe dates, I long for my family and I get emotional. As I dropped off my family at the airport I burst in to tears, hugging them while sobbing out “I just miss you guys so much. ” For the days following I would randomly burst into tears just thinking about how they are so far away.

Once in conversation with my husband, I told him that I always have an underlying feeling of sadness because I miss my family. I always feel bad. Last year our family have some ups and downs. My baby sister went to prom and graduation, on both of those days I felt terrible that I couldn’t be there. When there was good news, I was so happy but also filled with sadness that I’m so far away that I can’t experience this first hand. When there was bad news, I was sad about the situation but guilty that I can’t be there to provide comfort. Good times or bad, I feel guilty not because of anything anyone in my family says or does, I just want them to I didn’t leave just to get away from them. A while there was a disagreement within a friend group of mine and things got very heated. If I’m honest part of my anger was because I feel judged by people who live close to their family. I feel like other people think that if you choose to move away from your family, voluntarily, then that means your family is not that important to you. And for me that’s not the case. So I while I don’t think these things about people, I feel like I’m fighting that “stigma” that no one has really put on me.

I know that there are lots of people who do not live near their families, but it feels like I’m the only one that feels so strongly about being away for their family. Maybe I’m not but no one, at least anyone I know or know of, talks about it. I think about it all of the time. So when I met a girl who’s from New York how moves to Baltimore, I just knew she got it. Even though we never spoke about it. This is might to sound weird or odd or whatever, but Janessa was the only friend that I have that was not connected in any way to my husband. I know to some that sounds crazy but it is true. Some of my friends are friends of his or their significant others. The other friends, I have are from work and even if I met them first, because my husband and I work for the same company, in the same department, and on the same floor, my coworker friends go from mine to ours. I am really odd when it comes to making friends. It makes me nervous and I always think that I’m bothering people. But I met Janessa when we worked at Macy’s and we were instant friends. And when I find a good friend, I stay close. But when the communication is slow or nonexistent, I often think that someone is either tired of me or mad at me.

About a week ago I texted Janessa asking what she was doing for her birthday, it was kind of last minute because normally the plan would have already been set. The next day I realized that I hadn’t got a response back from her which is not uncommon for us, we’re self proclaimed “shitty texters”. So I send her the lurky emoji eyes. No response for days. Is she mad at me? I told you were my mind goes. I check snap, she is always on snap, but since the update I can’t remember if I’ve seen her on there; I hadn’t. I haven’t seen anything posted on Facebook in a little while. So I check Facebook. Immediately I see a post from someone saying they miss her and they can’t believe it’s been a month already. Did she move? I know she moved apartments but she didn’t move to New York without telling me? I know we weren’t that out of touch. More messages. ” I can’t believe you’re really gone.” WHAT? *keeps scrolling* What happened!?!?!?! *keeps scrolling* My hands are literally shaking. What Happened!?!?! Then I see the memorial post. The services were held on February 17, 2018 in New York. And I just found out.

I feel guilty. How did one of my closest friends die and I not know for a month? Where you guys even that close? If you were, you would have known.  That is what has been running around in my head. It makes me cry. I am devastated. We were close and the fact that I found out so late is not a sign of a broken relationship. And I know it. Since we generally would only spend one on one time and had only met a few coworkers or family members, there wasn’t anyone who would have known to reach out to me. And it doesn’t matter  if I had spoken to her the day, week, or month before, everything would have likely turn out the same. Outside of the lack of snaps, we weren’t out of touch for us. The fact that I recently found out has been playing with my mind, not just because of this but how I relate to friendships in general. I know she was my friend, one of my best. She went with me to my wedding dress fittings, helped me with my wedding registry, and when I lived in Cockeysville and her in Towson she’d stay over all the time. I put her on to Ikea. Tuesday night movies for $6 in Towson. We went to see Girls Trip and while talking about how some people don’t go out without their partners, she told me she used me as an example. Essentially saying that as long as we, Janessa and I, had been together as friends I was with my husband and that he, my husband, had no intentions of coming with us to see Girls Trip or breaking us, Janessa and I, up. I laughed but it was so true.

Emotions aside I know what we were to each other. Regardless of what swirls through my head. Did she know I loved her? Did she know how important she was to me? Yes. Without a doubt I know she knew. Though I can’t recall ever saying those words, I know she knew. I send her a text last year and it read

So I’m watching Basketball Wives, seeing Evelyn call Shaunie to give her that IVF shot she needed… and it made me think about how if I needed that kind of help that I feel like I could call you… and that means a lot to me… I really appreciate our friendship not to be too mushy I’m glad that where my friends are concerned I have quality over quantity.

 And she responded
Aww… I would totally come do it for you!!! I appreciate our friendship as well… Love you girl!!!
I know it was real. I want for this to not be real. I miss her soooo much. We always think about how we plan out our lives with our significant others or potential significant others but we plan our future lives with our friends too. We talk about future birthdays, a houses, baby showers, etc. To lose a friend, I don’t wish it on anyone. It hurts too much.
If I’m honest, I have no idea if this is any good. I’m in so much pain. But Today is Janessa’s birthday and I knew I need this to be up today. For her. I love you. I miss you. This is shitty.

 

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Attitude- Leikeli47

-Imagoodgrl

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Ever feel like if you could just explain, the misunderstanding would be cleared up? What about feeling that way and not getting the opportunity? Frustrating right? That was me just a couple of hours ago.

So lately I have been having an internal battle with the status of a relationship. There was supposed to be resolution but I feel like there really hasn’t been. And it has been bothering me. My mind paces back and forth about how I did the wrong thing or how I am making this bigger than it really is. Am I the only one that feels this way? Am I feeling this way because I’m guilty?

Over the past few weeks, I have been talking to a friend who I feel understands how I feel. Have you ever gotten a hug via text that didn’t require emojiis? I have. And it was perfect. My friend let me know that I am a good person, worthwhile, and anyone would be lucky to have me in their corner. She told me to allow the distance and see what happens. She told me its not only my job to make sure the relationship works. I went on to tell her how hard it is to see something that I want to flourish potentially die.

Then BAM! I thought about what happened earlier today. A coworker came in looking like they’d had a rough night. And they had. They were on the ropes at work and their relationship with their significant other was slipping away. What did I tell them about their relationship? They were better without it. I told them that I knew it would hurt but based on all the things they had told me, even if their S.O. had other really good qualities, this relationship is a drain on them. I told them that it would be hard but they’d be better off. Now fast forward several hours in the same day and I am having a hard time grasping that same concept.

After my pep talk from my friend, I log on to Instagram and the first post I see says…

accept it

change it

leave it

3 choices. you decide how important your mental well being is.

I was floored. Are they in my head??? Then the same person posts…

People make time for who they care about.

And just like that, the tears started pouring out of my eyes. These two messages were so directly for me that I couldn’t take it.

Sometimes we need something to push us over the edge. We just need a sign. A sign we can recognize. A sign we can feel. And I got mine, on Instagram of all places.

With that being said, I am a good person. I’m not perfect and I won’t ever be. I don’t expect perfection out of anyone. I am real and straight up. And I expect that out of everyone I allow around me. I will bend over backwards for people but I don’t have to allow myself to be walked on or over. I protect mine. Period. Point blank. But if you can’t see what an asset I am to your life, that’s fine. No hard feelings. Today is the last day I cry about this. I will allow people to show me where we stand. And then I will stand there. It will be what it will be. And I will be ok.

“I am a voice in the world and I deserve to be heard.” – Different World

People talk about why Black people feel the need to have events, avenues, and venues where they uplift, encourage, and support each other. We need them because you emasculate, criminalize, and marginalize our men all the while disrespecting, dehumanizing, and oversexualizing us.  Time and time again you tell the Black woman she is not pretty enough, smart enough, outgoing enough then demonize us for being strong and independent. Daily you tell us that how we were are naturally, is not professional and is unbecoming. All the while you manipulate your women into manipulating their bodies to look more like ours. You fear our fathers, our brothers, our husbands and our friends because of the insecurities within yourselves.

As I sit and watch promos for Black Girls Rock I am saddened because there is a GREAT need for the event EVERY year… Why? Because there is 13-year-old Black girl who was referred to as a slut by an Adult man and she is asking for forgiveness on his behalf. And this is the way of this world. I’m sorry little sister you are not to accommodate an adult’s ignorance, that my sister is not a child’s place.

I want to say so many more things about how being gracious has a time and place but honestly this isn’t about that. The fact is Mo’ne Davis shouldn’t have had to respond with a statement that said more than, “When I learned about the tweet I was offended. I wish people didn’t feel the need to say things like that. But I will continue to do the best that I can to the best version of myself.” So many times we tell people to take the high road. To me that was not the high road that was the walk over me road. I am not bashing her. However I do think that the adults in her life should have guided her better. In her address of the situation she states that she knows that people get tired of seeing her. She says that she knows he didn’t mean it. And that she knows he’s worked hard to get to where he was. She then goes on to state that because we all make mistakes, he should be reinstated on his Baseball team. Why are people tired of seeing her? Is it because she was an exceptional athlete that is female in a male dominated sport? And because of this, Disney may be considering to make a movie about her? Because of this, his mistake isn’t that bad? My dear sister Mo’ne, the life we lead as Black women is a hard and difficult road without being publicly being called out of your name for excelling. Do not lower your head, you have done nothing wrong. Do not make apologies for you have nothing to apologize for. As you grow older you will see that consequences are a part of life. And just like when you do not make the right decision there is a punishment, there should also be one for him. He has disrespected you not only as an athlete but also as a young woman. He not only determined that because you “got rocked in Nevada”  (**side note** I am assuming that meant that she lost, which apparently he never did) that you did not deserve to be depicted in a movie but he also slandered your character by calling you a slut. None of which you deserved. I honestly wish you did not have to experience this but I cannot apologize for his actions because I, like you, did nothing wrong here.

Taking in Janelle Monae’s Electric Lady while completely bare to the world.

-Imagoodgrl

Keianna White has a question for all who are willing, is it dramatic, extra, or unrealistic for person 1 to want to go to places and do things with person 2 that person 2 has never done or gone with anyone else if they are dating, seeing each other, or “talking”?

This was my question to Facebook yesterday. I have been thinking about this for some time now. What can I say it’s been a long time coming. Is it reasonable to want to only experience things that the person you are interested in has never experienced with someone else?

I can understand the need to want to know that things are fresh and new. However how realistic is it? Truly how would you feel if someone told you regardless of the fact that these places mean something to you outside of your past relationships I don’t want to go there if you have been there with them. I don’t think it’s realistic, but I understand it at the same time. I wish I that I would be the first person to make footprints in the sand, but I won’t be. In the same way many of us will not be the first one to make a move on someone’s heart.

There is something about having a past that makes you human. However in the context of a relationship, however it is that you describe yours, there is something that makes it uncomfortable to know that there was someone before you. I don’t think that I am the only one that feels this way but as I often say, if it’s just me I understand. There is something about knowing or not knowing that one day when it was cold he gave her his coat to keep her warm, the way he does with you. There is something about knowing or not knowing one night when he had a rough day he put his head in her lap and she rubbed his head, the way she does with you.

When I asked this question to my Facebook friends the responses I received were that it’s not unrealistic but romantic, the thought of experiencing things with someone you care about that both of you have never experienced before. One of my friends stated that they had a clean slate so they are more optimistic about wanting to experience new things with the one that they would grow to care about. I agree with him, I am a bit pessimistic regarding this not because I don’t want to go out of my way to purposely not go places or do things that I once shared with someone else but because I feel that someone my take this as an unreasonable request. As I stated in the beginning, I understand if someone feels that way. I have been to places that I enjoy with people of my past but not because of them but rather because I enjoyed the places.

I’m sure it’s more of an insecurity thing within me that makes me not want to experience things that have been experienced by someone else, but it is what it is. The driving force behind all of this isn’t that I want more than whoever was before me but in the back of my mind I would wonder if she as deserving of whatever experience that we now mentally share as I am. Does a memory of that person resurrect when you have this experience with me?

I understand that when allowing one to love another you have to accept their past as something that happened before and has nothing to do with you. I understand that their past has gotten them to where they are, you. But stories of dinners, trips, and random goings on of time with the person past could be too much. And for those who feel it is too much, are they unrealistic to not want to encounter any of it? Does that make them insecure beyond repair?

We all have memories and stories of our past. Some that we enjoy so much that we want to share with anyone who is willing to listen, including the one whom which we have entrusted our hearts. Not being able to share these events or feelings can be a major road block in one’s relationship. Knowing of the past helps build up the future but knowing that you enjoyed time with someone else the way you enjoy time with me can be intimidating at best. Think about it this way, the thought of adventures with an ex allows us to know that the ex isn’t as crazy/psycho as we wanted to believe, which may make some feel like they are competing the past.  

I just wonder if I am the only one that is this insecure at times. I wonder if you got this request would you dismiss the person and their insecurities or would you enable them. Would you call it enabling or making them feel comfortable with your past? Should you have to make someone comfortable with your past? As I have said in other posts tonight I do not have the answers but all of the questions. Once again if it is just me, I understand. I’m a work in progress. We are still working on me.

Reflectivly taking in John Legend’s Everybody knows while damaged and bare.

“Keianna White has been thinking that before yesterday at 11 o’clock service, she has never felt like she was in the right place at the right time. Never has she been so overjoyed to experience an oppurtunity that she possibly would not have considered. And all she did was say yes… Imagine that.”

Throughout my life I have felt, at times, my life was just one string of random events after another. Particularly post high school, I have felt most things I had encountered had been random. Meeting people, going places, seeing things. All random. Now understand, I don’t completely remit all my role in the events but I feel some events were random but some premeditated.

So due to my at times abnormal feelings, I have felt as though I have  fallen off course and off-balance. When having conversations with people who have been strategically placed to uplift me, I was told that I am “exactly where [I am] supposed to be.” And every time I hear it, it chips away at the insecurity that I have built up through out my life.

Recently, I was selected to work beside my Pastor’s wife. When I was asked I really just said yea. I didn’t consider anything else. I felt like it was an honor to be selected. I really didn’t think about what exactly it would entail but I knew I would have the opportunity to learn and I was excited about that. I was selected to begin my rotation on May 2.

In general, I always forsee that things are different from how they appear. So I saw First Lady’s other adjutants and what they did but I also thought that there has to be more to what that they do that I didn’t see. So approaching my first day I began to get nervous because I didn’t know what quite to expect. Day 1. Few mistakes. Keep it moving.

While on the phone with my best friend I began to tell him about my feeling out-of-place, when he told me that I was in place that I was supposed to be in. He offered up several  examples to support his position. And instantly, tears filled my eyes because hearing that made for a very emotional moment.

On Sunday, I get up with all my enthusiasm with expectation for the day. I am awaiting service to begin when Pastor tells me that I did a good job the previous week and how I looked like I was  exactly where I was supposed to be. The progression of service evolves and Pastor begins to speak. I was sitting there next to First Lady thinking “I am so in the right place at the right time.” And it felt awesome.

The service continues and Pastor begins to lay hands on people. When he gets to the end of the line he turns to me and speaks into my life. I got home  and really digested the day and all that Pastor said. All I could think about was the fact that all I did was say yes. Yes to something I was selected to do. It just boggled my mind because I didn’t go out of my way to find this or to be seen. I just said yes.

I left service feeling more secure than I had in a very long time. I needed this. For those who are like me who just don’t see what people see in you. Those of us that it just hasn’t sunk in quite yet. Keep persevering. Those who like me, just need to say yes. Do it. It will change your life. I promise.

Listening to Shekinah Glory’s Yes, Hillsong’s Inside out, and Fred Hammond’s Awesome God while in chipped and cracked love letters.

An ex boyfriend of mine asked me, “What do you want?” I responded, “I want everything.” Then the line got quiet, he didn’t know how to respond. But I was serious and I knew that would be his response.  He really wasn’t serious about me. And I knew it.

I asked my 11year old sister what she wanted for christmas. She said she didn’t know. I asked her if there was anything that she felt like she needed. She told me she needed a Nintendo DS. I told her that she did not NEED a Nintendo DS.

All of that said I was thinking about the things we say we want vs what we think we need. Not only what we need and want but when and how we want them. I have been struggling with wanting what is for me only when it’s for me. Sometimes I see people doing things, going places, and taking advantage of opportunities I wish I had. And I have to pep talk myself out of the sadness because I would not want to mishandle anything that I want or need because I got it before I could handle or appreciate it. Everyday we see how people squander away what they want and need because they received it before they could really handle it. What they wanted or needed dies along with pieces of them. And that’s not what I want.

I have realized that this is not about being patient it’s about being content. Being content not until you get what you want but content enough with yourself that even if you never get what you want you don’t go into mild or severe depression. You have to know within yourself that you are made up of moments that you wish you could live over and over and moments you wish you never have live again.  And that what is meant for you is meant only for you and be stable and secure enough to wait on them. I have been doing some thinking about who I am and what I want. I have changed plans and changed plans and changed plans again. And many times I look around I see where I am and where I thought I would have been and at times it makes me upset.

I know that it may just be me but I see so much for myself and I so much left to accomplish. I know that I could have absolutely anything at anytime but at what cost? I may not have come to a great epiphany but I am at a calmness with what I have and what is yet to come. I know that I may not always feel this way but I know that when I think about this I will understand that my time will also come and I won’t have to be out-of-order to have any of it. So for those who may be feeling like you are behind or don’t have what you could have know that you may not be where you want to be but you are not where you could be either.

Optimistically taking in Keri Hilson’s Energy and Chrisette Michele’s Fragile with chipped and cracked shocking pink.

-Imagoodgrl

“When deciding to ‘fall’ in love with a married man make [sure] that it’s your own husband #howaboutthataliciakeys”

That was my twitter tweet early one morning after see that Alicia Keys and boyfriend/ fiancé (legally married producer Swiss Beats) made their first public appearance on a red carpet, after dating for over a year. I want to make this very clear: I am not attacking her celebrity status but her actions. I don’t have a vendetta against her and I don’t know her personally, but I can’t sit around and act like she’s not participating in a very lowdown situation…

In the news as of late, many women in the black entertainment community find themselves in relationships with men that are legally in relationships with other people. It doesn’t matter who it is or why they do it or even what the intentions of other party is, it’s not okay. That’s it. Today after I sent my best friend a copy of my twitter post which lead him to post a question on his facebook status.

                How many people support people having relationships with another person who is already married? Ok, how about being engaged to them? Hmmm so why do yall still support Alicia Keys??? Think about it…smh

The responses were frightening, people saying that you support them based on their talent not their lifestyle. My retort? You can’t support one without supporting the other. Through the back and forth I advised that it’s not something personal to Alicia Keys or Swiss Beats but the situation they were in, negating that they didn’t feel that her lifestyle warranted my removing my support from her.  My stance is this any consumer has the right, no, the responsibility to uphold their private beliefs. If you believe in something strongly you should stand up for it. They believed otherwise. I also offered that a consumer has the right to decide not to care, yet they offered the consumer should not be concerned.

My issues stretch beyond this instance it’s on the principle that marriage is to be respected and by engaging in extramarital activities it’s not respecting that marriage. I don’t understand it. I read an article on Bossip.com and Swiss Beats wife was saying that she believes that they (Alicia Keys and Swiss  Beats) deserve each other, stating “only a certain type of woman would sleep with a married man…” I was thinking about that. I don’t see it as anything other than a self-esteem issue. For someone to decide that they will knowingly participate in a relationship with a married person, it speaks volumes. By entering that relationship do you dismiss the fact that they left their covenant to entertain a relationship without legally leaving that covenant? Does the fact that they are with you ease the silent fears that say they could leave you in the middle of the night and never return?  Or do you sleep with one eye open and your heart out of harms reach?

Another issue I have is the media’s portrayal of the situation… Because on these gossip sites and in the magazines they will  go hard on Fantasia about being in a relationship with a married man, yet comment on how cute a couple Alicia Keys and Swiss Beats are. Tiger Wood’s name is less than trash after he commits affairs and his jumpoffs1, not his wife, are the victims. The blogs are buzzing with these comments from these idiots saying that the spouses of these people deserve to be cheated on because they knew the industry that their spouses are in. Yet, if many of these commentators were in the position that these people are in it would be a different story. These commentators say that this is the direct result of not knowing their spouse yet in these particular cases they did not wed their spouses on a drunken night in Vegas. These people had relationships that they emerged themselves in and were rewarded for their commitment with infidelity, is this what people deserve? Does a wife deserve to go into a supermarket and see on the racks the cover of a gossip magazine that her A-List athlete husband is cheating on her with numerous women? Does a husband deserve to go into a barbershop to find that his wife is the woman the guy in the chair next to him is having sex with? Why does the fact that these people are celebrities versus ordinary people affect how affairs are viewed?

And I don’t know maybe I live in a fictional reality. One that tells me that when I decide to commit to someone I should not have to share them with anyone else. Believing that our space should not be infiltrated by another or that I don’t have to subject myself to a tainted space. Maybe I’m peculiar or particular and believe I can’t compromise my heart for a half-hearted relationship. I love myself too much to settle for less than all of someone’s heart. I would never cross someone else’s marriage and there would be hell to pay if someone tried to cross mine.

A woman is like a tea bag, you never know how strong she is until she’s in hot water.

Eleanor Roosevelt

 

With clarity taking in Lyfe Jennings Let’s Stay Together and Destiny’s Child Soldier in cherry red.

-Imagoodgirl

1Jumpoff-  aka Sidepiece – can refer to a man/woman or mistress you have sex with on the side of your regular.

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