To Someone


Sunday night, I cried some of the hardest most painful tears I’ve ever cried. I found out that one of the closest friends that I have died. And not just that she died but that she’s been dead for little over a month. The only word that describes how I feel right now is devastated. Defination. Devastate: to cause (someone) severe and overwhelming shock or grief. It just fits so right. I. Am. Devastated.

This isn’t the first time that I have spent crying lately. Last month my parents and youngest sister came to visit. If you didn’t know my parents live in California and I live in Maryland. I have lived here for 5 years. I have been married for 3. And the truth is while I have a good life here, probably better than I could have at home, I miss my family every single day. Holidays that were considered small mean so much when you’re away from the people you want to be with. Mother’s day, Father’s day, and all of the Kobe dates, I long for my family and I get emotional. As I dropped off my family at the airport I burst in to tears, hugging them while sobbing out “I just miss you guys so much. ” For the days following I would randomly burst into tears just thinking about how they are so far away.

Once in conversation with my husband, I told him that I always have an underlying feeling of sadness because I miss my family. I always feel bad. Last year our family have some ups and downs. My baby sister went to prom and graduation, on both of those days I felt terrible that I couldn’t be there. When there was good news, I was so happy but also filled with sadness that I’m so far away that I can’t experience this first hand. When there was bad news, I was sad about the situation but guilty that I can’t be there to provide comfort. Good times or bad, I feel guilty not because of anything anyone in my family says or does, I just want them to I didn’t leave just to get away from them. A while there was a disagreement within a friend group of mine and things got very heated. If I’m honest part of my anger was because I feel judged by people who live close to their family. I feel like other people think that if you choose to move away from your family, voluntarily, then that means your family is not that important to you. And for me that’s not the case. So I while I don’t think these things about people, I feel like I’m fighting that “stigma” that no one has really put on me.

I know that there are lots of people who do not live near their families, but it feels like I’m the only one that feels so strongly about being away for their family. Maybe I’m not but no one, at least anyone I know or know of, talks about it. I think about it all of the time. So when I met a girl who’s from New York how moves to Baltimore, I just knew she got it. Even though we never spoke about it. This is might to sound weird or odd or whatever, but Janessa was the only friend that I have that was not connected in any way to my husband. I know to some that sounds crazy but it is true. Some of my friends are friends of his or their significant others. The other friends, I have are from work and even if I met them first, because my husband and I work for the same company, in the same department, and on the same floor, my coworker friends go from mine to ours. I am really odd when it comes to making friends. It makes me nervous and I always think that I’m bothering people. But I met Janessa when we worked at Macy’s and we were instant friends. And when I find a good friend, I stay close. But when the communication is slow or nonexistent, I often think that someone is either tired of me or mad at me.

About a week ago I texted Janessa asking what she was doing for her birthday, it was kind of last minute because normally the plan would have already been set. The next day I realized that I hadn’t got a response back from her which is not uncommon for us, we’re self proclaimed “shitty texters”. So I send her the lurky emoji eyes. No response for days. Is she mad at me? I told you were my mind goes. I check snap, she is always on snap, but since the update I can’t remember if I’ve seen her on there; I hadn’t. I haven’t seen anything posted on Facebook in a little while. So I check Facebook. Immediately I see a post from someone saying they miss her and they can’t believe it’s been a month already. Did she move? I know she moved apartments but she didn’t move to New York without telling me? I know we weren’t that out of touch. More messages. ” I can’t believe you’re really gone.” WHAT? *keeps scrolling* What happened!?!?!?! *keeps scrolling* My hands are literally shaking. What Happened!?!?! Then I see the memorial post. The services were held on February 17, 2018 in New York. And I just found out.

I feel guilty. How did one of my closest friends die and I not know for a month? Where you guys even that close? If you were, you would have known.  That is what has been running around in my head. It makes me cry. I am devastated. We were close and the fact that I found out so late is not a sign of a broken relationship. And I know it. Since we generally would only spend one on one time and had only met a few coworkers or family members, there wasn’t anyone who would have known to reach out to me. And it doesn’t matter  if I had spoken to her the day, week, or month before, everything would have likely turn out the same. Outside of the lack of snaps, we weren’t out of touch for us. The fact that I recently found out has been playing with my mind, not just because of this but how I relate to friendships in general. I know she was my friend, one of my best. She went with me to my wedding dress fittings, helped me with my wedding registry, and when I lived in Cockeysville and her in Towson she’d stay over all the time. I put her on to Ikea. Tuesday night movies for $6 in Towson. We went to see Girls Trip and while talking about how some people don’t go out without their partners, she told me she used me as an example. Essentially saying that as long as we, Janessa and I, had been together as friends I was with my husband and that he, my husband, had no intentions of coming with us to see Girls Trip or breaking us, Janessa and I, up. I laughed but it was so true.

Emotions aside I know what we were to each other. Regardless of what swirls through my head. Did she know I loved her? Did she know how important she was to me? Yes. Without a doubt I know she knew. Though I can’t recall ever saying those words, I know she knew. I send her a text last year and it read

So I’m watching Basketball Wives, seeing Evelyn call Shaunie to give her that IVF shot she needed… and it made me think about how if I needed that kind of help that I feel like I could call you… and that means a lot to me… I really appreciate our friendship not to be too mushy I’m glad that where my friends are concerned I have quality over quantity.

 And she responded
Aww… I would totally come do it for you!!! I appreciate our friendship as well… Love you girl!!!
I know it was real. I want for this to not be real. I miss her soooo much. We always think about how we plan out our lives with our significant others or potential significant others but we plan our future lives with our friends too. We talk about future birthdays, a houses, baby showers, etc. To lose a friend, I don’t wish it on anyone. It hurts too much.
If I’m honest, I have no idea if this is any good. I’m in so much pain. But Today is Janessa’s birthday and I knew I need this to be up today. For her. I love you. I miss you. This is shitty.

 

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Attitude- Leikeli47

-Imagoodgrl

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People talk about why Black people feel the need to have events, avenues, and venues where they uplift, encourage, and support each other. We need them because you emasculate, criminalize, and marginalize our men all the while disrespecting, dehumanizing, and oversexualizing us.  Time and time again you tell the Black woman she is not pretty enough, smart enough, outgoing enough then demonize us for being strong and independent. Daily you tell us that how we were are naturally, is not professional and is unbecoming. All the while you manipulate your women into manipulating their bodies to look more like ours. You fear our fathers, our brothers, our husbands and our friends because of the insecurities within yourselves.

As I sit and watch promos for Black Girls Rock I am saddened because there is a GREAT need for the event EVERY year… Why? Because there is 13-year-old Black girl who was referred to as a slut by an Adult man and she is asking for forgiveness on his behalf. And this is the way of this world. I’m sorry little sister you are not to accommodate an adult’s ignorance, that my sister is not a child’s place.

I want to say so many more things about how being gracious has a time and place but honestly this isn’t about that. The fact is Mo’ne Davis shouldn’t have had to respond with a statement that said more than, “When I learned about the tweet I was offended. I wish people didn’t feel the need to say things like that. But I will continue to do the best that I can to the best version of myself.” So many times we tell people to take the high road. To me that was not the high road that was the walk over me road. I am not bashing her. However I do think that the adults in her life should have guided her better. In her address of the situation she states that she knows that people get tired of seeing her. She says that she knows he didn’t mean it. And that she knows he’s worked hard to get to where he was. She then goes on to state that because we all make mistakes, he should be reinstated on his Baseball team. Why are people tired of seeing her? Is it because she was an exceptional athlete that is female in a male dominated sport? And because of this, Disney may be considering to make a movie about her? Because of this, his mistake isn’t that bad? My dear sister Mo’ne, the life we lead as Black women is a hard and difficult road without being publicly being called out of your name for excelling. Do not lower your head, you have done nothing wrong. Do not make apologies for you have nothing to apologize for. As you grow older you will see that consequences are a part of life. And just like when you do not make the right decision there is a punishment, there should also be one for him. He has disrespected you not only as an athlete but also as a young woman. He not only determined that because you “got rocked in Nevada”  (**side note** I am assuming that meant that she lost, which apparently he never did) that you did not deserve to be depicted in a movie but he also slandered your character by calling you a slut. None of which you deserved. I honestly wish you did not have to experience this but I cannot apologize for his actions because I, like you, did nothing wrong here.

Taking in Janelle Monae’s Electric Lady while completely bare to the world.

-Imagoodgrl

A couple of days ago I came across a Facebook status that said something to the effect of “black out your profile picture as we await the verdict of the Trayvon Martin case.” I looked at the status and past it by. I thought to myself my changing my picture will not change the outcome that is ahead. My changing my profile picture will not matter. Then later I thought about how just weeks and months prior people changed their profile pictures to show they were in support of their cause. I thought about how when people saw this specific symbol they knew where this particular person stood on this particular issue. I thought about how for people who stood with them on the issue, some of whom changed their picture as well, may have felt as sense of oneness. I thought about that and said to myself “the Trayvon Martin case means enough to me to black out my picture.” I thought to myself people who stand with me will know they have someone showing support as well and people who don’t stand with me or don’t care will know this is important to me. I have said to many people around me that this case would be my generation’s “Rodney King.”

Fast forward to July 13, 2013. My boyfriend and I are watching Lincoln when he receives a text saying, “the verdict is in.” We pause the movie and turn to HLN. We sit and await the verdict. The wait was short, maybe a couple of minutes or so. Our hearts were literally pounding, mine harder than I can ever remember when exercise was not involved. The jury reads the verdict… NOT GUILTY.

I sit in my bed stunned and within seconds of the verdict tears pour down my face. My heart is heavy.

The press conference had nothing for me. It didn’t ease anything in my heart or my mind about what had taken place. I sit in my bed and wonder why in this day and time, where people say that race is not a factor are we shown time and time again that it is?

Weeks ago I spoke to my father and I told him, “I don’t know if I want to have kids. Raising Black kids in this time seems more difficult than before. At least, in times past you knew that you were working against the grain. Schools and media tell you that the days of working against the grain because of your race are long over. And they aren’t.” I thought about how when it came to possible issues that could arise in school my parents would tell me, “As long as your are not doing anything wrong, you won’t have anything to worry about.”  Trayvon Martin wasn’t doing anything wrong and the result was dire. I didn’t sleep well through the night. I tossed and turned. Every time I did, I could only think about the verdict that had come down. So every time I tossed or turned through the night I prayed, “Lord, give me peace.”

ImageMy heart hurts for his parents. Mr. Martin and Mrs. Fulton, I know that losing your child cannot be easy and dealing with everything that has come with what has happen has to be very difficult. I have been crying and praying for you. I know that you may not ever read this but I know that Trayvon could have been my cousin or my friend and I don’t take this lightly. You have shown such grace throughout this entire ordeal and I pray that you will be comforted in this most difficult time.

My friend posted a Facebook status saying, “i don’t wanna just be sad. what can i do to ACTUALLY make a difference?‪#‎JusticeForTrayvon‬.” I feel the same way. I don’t fake care about this situation. I actually care about this and I don’t know what I can do but I want to do something. There are people talking about how black on black crime are issues within the black community that need to be solved before we can expect for the justice we want to come to fruition. To me they are two different problems that do not have anything to do with one another. Before black people were killing each other in this country, they were being killed at the hands of others.

People have the similar argument about the use of the word nigger/ nigga by white people or people who aren’t black when black people use it. Also I say that before black people where being called nigga by one another they were being called nigger by others. Yes, there are internal issues to be resolved but the internal issues do not take away from the existing external issues.

I am very somber but I know that the bible says in Isaiah 55:8,

My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither my ways your ways. Declares the Lord.

That means that God knows what he’s doing and what the plan is. I don’t know and I can’t lie I don’t see the vision but I trust that there is a vision.