Julian :  “I feel like  people get lost when they think of happiness as a destination. Well, we’re always thinking that someday we’ll be happy. We’ll get that car or that job or that person in our lives that’ll fix everything. But happiness is a mood. And it’s a condition, not a destination. It’s like being tired or hungry. It’s not permanent. It comes and goes and that’s okay. And I feel like if people thought of it that way they’d find happiness a lot more often.”

Brooke: “So you think it’s okay to be a little miserable every now and then, even when you have great things in your life?”

Julian:  “Is it okay to be little hungry now and then?”

This was a conversation between two characters on One Tree Hill. I think it gives a lot to think about.

Sometimes we need to know that it is okay to be unhappy with where our lives are. To be unhappy that we don’t have all of what we want or what we thought we would have. Sometimes we think about the things that other people don’t have and minimalize what pains or hurts we have. Just because your pains are different from mine do not make my pains any less painful. I remember watching an episode of Oprah when Reese Witherspoon was her guest. Oprah asked her about marriage counseling with her then husband, Ryan Phillipe. She talked about how everyone has their own issues that they have to deal with. That just because they are “famous” doesn’t mean they don’t have issues.

Lately, I have been wallowing in the sorrow that I am not where I want to be and I don’t have what I would like to have. I have been thinking about how when I make the necessary changes and transitions it is going to be uncomfortable for me for a while and how that may put me in a position that make me wish I never started these changes. Sometimes its overwhelming to see tomorrow on the horizon and know that it will bring a lot of things you want but may not be ready for. The other thing that may be overpowering is the fact that you know that you have outgrown where you are. I know that many people go through this phase in life. Sometimes this phase is what keeps people in a place of stunted growth, they have scared themselves into staying where they are. I don’t fear the unknown I just know that the unknown is unknown and I wish it wasn’t. I wish I knew how everything would play out.

I say all of that to say this. Being unhappy occasionally doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. Even if you have a lot of things to be happy about, being unhappy from time to time doesn’t mean that you are ungrateful. No one person has everything that they want. No one person has everything all figured out. No one person has all their ducks in a row. No one person has it all together. No one person has it all the answers. I think when we really take that in we stop looking to people to compare ourselves against. It does get better. We just have to stick it out.

Taking in I Want Something that I Want by Grace Potter & Bethany Joy Galetti and Heaven by John Legend with Nonfat Soy Half Caff and a splash of Watermelon.

-Imagoodgrl

1. I may not always like my job but I appreciate it. I  have gained more knowledge about this business then people twice my age.

2. I prefer shopping online than in  store because its rare to find a nice associate.

3. I hate when people say “it was like [fill in the blank]” the word like is not a space filler. This also goes for when people say “I think you have the wrong number” you know that your not the person I asked for.

4. I hate that people don’t understand the difference between need & want and right & privlege.

5. Though women are known to be oversharers, I am an undersharer.

6. I hate that their are people who don’t know what is going on with their finances because their spouse handles it.

7. I am my mother’s child.

8. I hate loud rap music during anytime of the day but only if I don’t know the song.

9. Something about me irritates females to their core. I don’t know what it is or what type of females fall victim to it.

10. I am dangerously close to being anti- social. I love to socialize but only when I am comfortable.

11. I don’t have any issue with riding in the passenger seat, I actually enjoy it.

12.  I don’t like casual talk in formal enviroments. Ex. You are at work talking about sex.

14. I am fairly old fashioned, where relationships are concerned,  I rather follow than lead.

15. I am so excited about my future.

16. I like talking in an English accent. One day I hope to be believable.

17. Growing up I only liked to use blue pens. Now I only use black pens.

18.I can be lazy. I don’t like doing laundry. I take showers at night so in the morning I can be out of the house 10 minutes.

19. I see traits of myself in people on televisions shows. And sometimes it makes me sad.

20. I love outlandish conversations with people that I have known for years.

21. I love reruns. I love Lucy. Roseanne. The Cosby Show. A Different World. Gilmore Girls. Law and Order. two parter: Growing up my sister and I watched a lot of old shows but when we were younger we didn’t know that I Love Lucy were reruns.

22. I love doctor shows… random fact: your uterus, rectum, and bladder can fall out. Don’t believe me look it up. I saw it on Dr. Oz.

23. I am a insecure version of my old self. It makes me sad to know that I was a much more confident person in my teens than I am in my 20’s.

24. I have become a typical girl. You know the kind that wishes someone just knew how you felt without telling them. It’s not realistic but I feel that way sometime.

25. I’m like a karaoke machine. I sing random songs all of time. Right note or wrong note, If I like the song or if I hear a song and it’s stuck, I’m singing it loud, proud, and sometimes wrong.

26. I had the most awesome trip of my life. Cancun. Why was it so awesome? I was virtually unreachable in a gorgeous suite-like room.  Away from everything else. Seclusion. Who’d think it would be so nice? I did.

Two lessons. Four days.

Sunday. My phone rings. Its my sister. She’s out of breath. “Some lady at church tried to steal you mother’s wallet,” She says in between breaths. After careful interrogation, I came away with the whole story.

The story as it was told me by several difference sources, goes as follows:

My parents where in the back part of our church building and they came through the church walking toward the place where my mother had laid her purse. Upon seeing her purse on the seat unattended my father asked my mother, “Why would you leave your purse here by itself?” As she approaches her purse she notices that her wallet was missing. When my mother stated her wallet was missing, my dad noticed a woman who kind of looked back and speed walked out into the foyer. My father follows as closely behind her as he can but when he gets to the foyer he doesn’t see her anymore. He gets some women to look in the women’s restroom. While he was there, my mother has been told that person who stole her wallet was the woman my dad had noticed. When the women out someone tells him, “She went to  McDonald’s.”  Off to McDonald’s he goes. Once they enter the McDonald’s they notice that they do not see the woman. They head to the bathroom. They find the lady locked in the bathroom stall. She is surrounded by about 20 to 30 people,from our church, telling her to give up the wallet. My mother banging on the stall door. And another man, from the church, looking over the stall telling her to give up the wallet. She eventually gives up the wallet. Her significant other tells her to come out. She does. She apologizes and says she is having a hard time. The police show up and ask if my parents want to press charges. My parents find that everything that was in the wallet was there, and feel it’s not necessary.

Tuesday. I come to work to find a site wide email that states the person who facilitates the extra-curricular activities for  us has lost the camera that she used to capture the few moments of non work related fun we are allowed. Wednesday. We receive an email that says Good news the camera has been recovered. I said aloud “it would be crazy if the person took it to take pictures with over the weekend and then returned it.” Later, I’m in the break room with one of my coworkers and the lady who runs our activities walks in. She tells us that the camera was returned but the person left pictures on the camera. My coworker asked if she was going to have the person fired. She said no. She said something on the inside of them made them return it and for that I won’t go forward with it. She then says, “His grace is Sufficient.”

In both incidents, the parties had the right to move forward with the punishments that each of the separate parties had earned. But they didn’t. I thought about how sometimes we feel as though people have to suffer the the wrongs they have committed against us and/ or others. So we look for vindication and revenge. But bible says in Romans 12:19:

Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.

It also says in Galations 6:7:

Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man sows, that shall he also reap.

I was thinking about the first incident. Thinking how could someone do that in the House of God. Then I thought about how we do so many things in the House that we shouldn’t. That we have to get to the point that the reverence that people once felt is restored. And really it’s not about doing or not doing something because we are at church or because there is a punishment, but getting to a point where we just don’t do something because it’s not right to do it.

I have learned that I am a principlist. No that is not a word. But I have come up with a definition to better explain myself.  A principlist is a person that functions based off of principle. So I am that. I don’t have to be directly affected to feel something is not right.  My father has taught me not to allow anyone to be disrespected in my presence because if the person will do that in front of you they will do it to you. We all need to the be people and the change we want to see. Through this year I have seen many things that make me lose faith in some people but not all people. And most importantly not God. 

As we exit this year, that for some of us has been especially hard, look to the basic things for joy. If you look at your life and you feel that you are not where you want to be, know that you aren’t where you used to be. If you look at your life and say that you are not particularly happy, know that you woke up this morning and, for most of us, every morning this year without any medical assistance. Your life, my life, and countless other lives have been renewed to make the most out of all of days we will have. Go into this next year not making faulty resolutions but benchmarks. Where do you want to be this time next year? What do you want to ultimately what to do? Who is helping you? Who is hindering you? You don’t need a new year, new week, or new day to make the decision you can change directions now. You can move forward now.

The new year is bringing new changes. We have to get right or we will get left.

I thank you for riding with me through my inconsistency. I hope that you have at the very least enjoyed this ride. I pray something here blesses your day.

I am reflectively taking in Hillsong United’s Take it All while preparing for Nonfat Soy Half Calf.

Imagoodgrl

For at least the past few months I had been harboring these feelings about what I felt my friend should do to protect my feelings. I did what I considered “feeling out the situation”. And one day it call came to a head. The question? What do you want me to do? They basically offered the solution that I had been thinking of for months, but the inside of me wished that conversation would not have lead to the decision. I wanted them to make the decision on their own.

A few years ago, I said I was going to “stop trying to make you love me the way that I love you.” And today that has brought me here.

Sometimes we have relationships and it may seem or feel as the the relationship is lopsided. You feel like you give more. You feel like they take more. You feel like you consider them more. You feel like they consider you less. You feel like you want the world for them. You feel like they could care less about what really happens to you. And at the end of the day you feel drained. They have never felt better. So what do you do?

Sometimes you just want the consideration that you put into something or someone to be returned to you. It doesn’t seem that difficult or far fetched. The issue is sometimes we feel like “they should just get it” “they should want to return to me what I gave to them.” My parents always told me not to lend or give anything away that if you never got it back you would be upset or you can’t do with out it. And latley I have realized that also applied to feelings and emotions.

Have you ever ended a relationship and wished that you never wasted the time or emotion on them? Not just with significant others but friends and co-workers too. You feel like “I wish I could have seen this coming and if I had I would have never [insert emotion or sacrifice] for them.” I have. I do. Sometimes I wish people showed me the same consideraation that I show them. You want me to go out of my way to do something for you but you can’t do something for me that is on your way.

So yea at one time I said that I would stop trying to make someone love me the way that I loved them. I lied. I can’t make myself get over the fact that in relationships that we have chosen to build that we shouldn’t get exactly what we put in to them. So what happens now? Do I change how am I in my relationships? Or do I just speak up? If I do what then? So many questions.

Lately, I have been doing a lot of thinking. About who I am and what I want. Sometimes I just feel like sometimes I convince myself of things so much I’m lying to myself. I used to say “The worse thing you could do is lie to yourself.  You can lie to your friends. Your family. You could even lie to God, its pointless since he knows the truth. But when you start lying to yourself, you start to believe it. And that is the worse.” The truth is I really don’t feel like I have anything I want. That makes me sad. To me it seems like a dumb thing to be sad about. In the times that we are in and especially taking into account my age, its not the worse thing in the world. There is a lot in front of me. *Light bulb* I guess on that part, I’m going to be okay. I will get it together so what if I don’t have all together right now.*Kayne Shrug*[1]

One day I hope to be past expecting to receive what I give. But today is not that day.

Sorrowfully taking in Fred Hammond’s Lost in You Again with chipped Bachelorette Bash and Tart Deco.

 


[1] Kayne is not a typo. It is a play on the term *Kanye Shrug*. Lyrical  roots from Kanye West’s Diamonds “It’s Kanye, but some of my plaques, they still say Kayne.”

A few years ago, I started blogging at eccentricrelaxation.com. In my bio there and here I wrote,

Right now  I’m checkin myself. I have said that I would start over many times. I have decided enough is enough. I am going to be the person I have wanted to be and this blog will help me progress, while I take you along for the ride.

And at the time, I thought that was what I meant. I was on my road to self discovery. Over time this blog turned into everything but that. I got emotional and I started posting things about daily occurrences and random thoughts, it lead me away from what I intended. In the most purest of terms I am making some changes. I hope that in light of these changes I don’t lose too many friends or readers, seriously not that I have too many of either to lose. I hope that as I truly start on this journey that there are people who are interested in this self-examination of sorts.

Lately I haven’t been comfortable with who I feel like I have become. And today is the day I reconstruct who I am and who I’m going to be. I was talking to someone and they told me that there is more meant for me “then just being [someone’s] wife.” When those words left my friend’s mouth, I had one thought. If I had that and had to figure out everything else later, that would be okay. I guess in this day and age that isn’t something that girls my age say but it’s the most honest feelings I have. At 24, I guess I’m not supposed to feel that way. So… Today I have to change what I thought I wanted and find what I need. Its going to be difficult especially since I never saw myself being this girl. The truth is my heart is hurting. I’m not really sure where to go from here.

Reflectivly taking in Keri Hilson’s Energy while in Red Stilletto.

-Imagoodgrl

Work. The place where many a conversation happen. One of my coworkers, Mary, was talking about how though it is summer she still will not allow her 11-year-old son to stay up late. Another coworker, Kay, says that since Mary’s son is a straight A student he should be able to stay up late through the summer and that if Mary does not loosen up on her son he will rebel. I offered that it was not ridiculous that Mary would not allow her 11-year-old to stay up late during the summer and that discipline does not produce rebellion.

Though I have never raised a child, I am not that far removed from my childhood upbringing. My parents were structured, not strict but there were definitely things that we were not allowed to do and that would not be permitted, I believe that due to my upbringing I am who I am today.  As we continued the discussion I was told by Kay that my children will be bad because I will have structure for them. I advised that my children would not be bad, and further if she felt that way she wouldn’t be around them because she would influence them to be bad, at which time she said that I lived in a bubble if I thought that everything would go as planned. I advised her that living in a bubble would mean that I would expect that my children would be perfect, which is not anything that I mentioned, there is a difference between bad children and regular children. Regular children do things against what you have taught them to do on occasion and that is very different from a bad child.

As we further continued the discussion it appeared that Kay almost believes there should be little to no discipline for a child because “they are going to do what they are going to do” because “each child has their own personality.” I thought this amusing seeing as Kay considers herself to be a Christian though the Bible says in Proverbs 22:6 :

Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.

In order to train up a child there needs to be discipline. When I say discipline I don’t mean punishment for wrong doing, I am talking about structure. Without structure it is impossible to be successful. I thought it funny that Kay would say that structure should warrant rebellion when her son is a part of the armed forces for the U.S government.

Kay advised that a parent should be lax with their child until they, the child, prove that they otherwise needed extra limits. Its interesting seeing as that with making a clear outline on what is expected and what will not be accepted cannot be done as a punishment, because you cannot hold a child responsible for what they have not been taught. True enough many of us have strayed from the plan that our parents had for us, but for most of us we have not gone that far off. Kay also advised that because they will ultimately do “whatever are going to do” there should not be structure.

Structure is needed to have an effective life. Without structure you can’t even be a successful inmate. Everything about the life that we live is about following structure, and when that is not done there are repercussions. To raise a child without structure is to do your child an injustice. It made me sad for the grandchild of this woman. I feel that she could be someone would slowly reverse what could be instilled in a child by reinforcing negative behaviors with the mantra, he or she “is just a child and they need to be free to be as a child.”

Through this experience I have learned that many people look at the mistakes they have made and regret, even shun, the process that got them to the point were they are. People say that they don’t regret anything because it made them who they are. I believe you can regret things that you have done but not the process that has brought you to where you are.  I say that because everything is a process. We get from point a to point b through a process and the bumps that we gain along the way allow us to know what works and what doesn’t and also why the structure that our parents tried so hard to instill does work and is effective. True enough there are some things that we are taught by our parents that we truly don’t ever feel were much-needed guidance but not everything you learn in school or on your job is something that you actually use, its apart of life. I remember when my sister and I were talking to some small children about doing things that you don’t want to do and one of the boys said “because that’s life.” If at the age of 4 a child can grasp that concept why is it when we become adults we feel like everything is up for interpretation or debate? Why is it when we grow up with little options when we get older we feel that life without options is not life? There is something about being simple that is enlightening.

“Simplicity provides a fine line between eloquence and plainness.”

Simply taking in Beyonce’s One + One and Chrisette Michele’s Love is You while in Tart Deco with a slash of In Stitches.

                                 -Imagoodgrl

What does it mean if you don’t have many friends? Does it mean that you’re a mean person? Does it mean that you don’t have anything to offer? Does it mean that you’re unapproachable? Does it mean you’re unreachable?

Could it mean that you don’t know what to look for in a friend? Could it mean you’re too complex? Or too simple? You want too much? Or too little?

From time to time I think about things I don’t have and day in and day out this is what is at the top of my list. I think about all of think of all of the people I know and have known and how they keep friends and hang out with those friends and how I don’t. I think who is at fault? I think about what are they doing? Or what am I not doing?  And if it is me, how do I break the cycle?

Sometimes I think maybe it’s not a big deal. Like maybe I’m just busy and everyone else is busy so it’s not that bad. But then I see people just as busy or busier than me hanging out with their friends and I’m at home. I know everyone’s schedules are different and most people don’t get up as early as I do but still does that mean I should be a recluse? I don’t need a lot of friends like Diddy but a Girlfriends/ Sex and the City size troupe would be good. Just a small crew is all I want. Ride or die friends, and of course not literal “ride or die” just through thick and thin friends.

As I am writing this, I am think about what my next course of action will be. I was always taught that in order have friends you need to show yourself friendly. And I feel like I do. No not generally, but I feel like to my friends I am a true friend.

I want to make it plain, I’m not writing this to make my current, yet geographically distant, friends feel bad or appeal for people to be my friend. Just doing what I do here, which express my thoughts for time to time.

Sometimes I’m a unique individual but I am who I am and that is all there is. Thankfully, there are some people in this world that love me and my particular brand of uniqueness even though it may not always be easy. So to those of you to which that applies… Thank You!

Consciously taking in Beyonce’s Woman Like me so Cut It Out.

-Imagoodgrl