So for those who know I am in transition. In prior posts I have been talking about forward movement. Right now my forward movement is taking me out-of-state. Well not taking me, but I am on a journey to be out-of-state. This process hasn’t been long but it has taken quite a bit out of me.

I applied for a new job within my company in the state that I wish to move at the end of July.  The process was looking really good from the beginning and I was very hopeful. I had been praying about it and talking about it. I was convinced this job was for me. I had an interview with one hiring manager and things went well but I didn’t hear anything for almost 3 weeks. Then one day I get an email from the recruiter telling me that hiring manager I interviewed with had a hiring freeze and my application would be moved to another recruiter. So the new recruiter had me submit my application again and passed me over to a new hiring manager. So a couple of days later was my interview with the second hiring manager, I get a phone call saying there was an emergency causing the interview to be pushed back one day with a supervisor. Tomorrow comes and I have the interview. Overall I felt like the interview was okay. That was a Thursday. I receive an email from the recruiter advising me that the supervisor did not feel I had enough experience.  I was heart-broken. I was completely discouraged and unmotivated. I told my best friend who gave me a pep talk that I was not ready for.

After the “pep talk,” I went to the tire store to have my tires looked at because the tire pressure light was on in my car.  The guy at the tire store showed me a nail in one of my tires. He asked me if I wanted him to fix it and I told him yes. As he walked away with my tire I realized something… I had lost my bank card over the weekend and was waiting on a new one to be sent. I had no money to pay for this service. I then look through my purse to find one of my credit cards. I check the balance. All I could do was pray that the tire maintenance wouldn’t it be over what I had available on my card. I go to the front desk and the guy tells me “That comes to $8.” All I could think is, Thank You Jesus!

And at that moment that, something many people would overlook, meant the world to me. Everything opened up inside of me. At that moment I just felt like that was God’s way of saying that he had not forgotten about me. I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. A great big light.

So I have been working on this post for at least a week. As I began thinking about this blog I remembered some incidents. One from about a year ago. I noticed that one of my tires were low so after work I was on a mission to fill up my tire. I thought it was simple enough, I had seen my dad do it tons of times. Well as I was trying to fill my tire I did something wrong and I was letting all of the air out of my tire. In my distress I called my dad. He came from where ever it was that he was at to put air in my tire.

The other incident happened about a month or so ago. Two of my coworkers and I were going to get our eyebrows done one day after work. The three of us were going to leave work in our separate cars and meet up at the salon. Well as I am approaching my car one of the girls was having trouble starting her car. She was out of gas. Well luckily for me I have a father for times such as these, so I called him. The call went to voicemail. Later, well after the incident he called me back. I told him that my coworker was out of gas but we handled it. As I got off the phone, I looked at my coworkers and said “That was my dad calling, to see what I called for. He better have called me. I’m his daughter.”

When I was thinking about this blog I thought about Matthew 7:11 it says:

So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him.

So I thought about if my dad will, and at times does, go out of his way to help me how much more will God, The Creator of the Universe, be there for me. I was amazed. I am in such a pleasant place. Not a perfect place but a very pleasant place. Most times. I am at the place that if this particular job never opens up for me I know that God is still here with me. Not that I won’t be disappointed or sad. I will however move forward to whatever is for me.

Transparently taking in East to West by Casting Crowns in the clear.

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So you may or, most likely, may not have noticed it’s been sometime since my last posting. And honestly I have been busy-ish but I have also been lazy-ish… Well more lazy than ish when it comes to this. But I have made a safe return. With the thoughts that have brought me here today.

So yea this is a part 3. Same purpose. Same theme. Same goal. 

Months ago I was searching for what would ultimately make me happy. And now months later I am not too much closer than I was back then. I know a little bit more than I did, as it pertains to life. Things are different. But I still do not know what will make me happy or what I am supposed to be doing with my life.

I have however started putting some of my plans into action. That, I do have to say, feels really good. From time to time, I see a guy that I was in training with at my job and he always mentions where I said I wanted to be years ago. It goes as follows, ” Oh you’re still here. I remember when you said you were going to be gone in a year. How long has it been now?” And when I run into him I get annoyed that he brings it up EVERY time I see him. But the bible says in Ecclesiastes 3:1:

 To everything there is a season,
A time for every purpose under heaven:

What does that mean? I am exactly where I am supposed to be. And that feels good.

I wanted to write this blog a few days ago when a friend of my got really good news. When I met her years ago I told her (Shanette) that she reminded me of another friend of mine (Shaie). Why? Because these women are two the most focused women I know. When they put their minds to something they do it. And neither of them having a perfect life but whatever life throws their way they continue to be goal minded. It is a pleasure to see. And both of them have personalities do not disappoint. So as I move forward with this journey that I am on, I take the wisdom and knowledge from those around me. I thank God for the ability to be close enough to see your greatness.

So Congratulations to Shanette on the new journey that you are embarking on.  I’m going to come down to Atlanta to visit. And shout to Shaie for being the person you have always been. Love you both!

Refreshingly taking in Hillsong’s Lead Me to the Cross and Fred Hammond’s Awesome God while in the fog.

So today I had a conversation with one of my out-of-state best friends. We were talking about what I consider typical things that young women of our age talk about. The Future. I was telling her that I plan to move across the country within the next few months and the other life changes to come. While discussing that. I was telling her that I am unsure what I really want to go to school for. Lately I have been recreationally in school. What does that mean? I have taken classes but without any real goal. I started with one but now I am just not so sure.

As I was telling her about my lack of direction she asked me a question, “Do you remember how I figured [it] out?” I respond, “No I don’t remember.” She tells me, ” if you didn’t have to worry about money…..what would you [do] for free?”  The funny thing was my sister and I were talking about that very thing the day before. I jokingly told both my sister and my friend “i would be kim kardashian… u kno without the sextape and whore tendencies.”

But at that moment the light bulb just went off… I need to figure out what I would do for free that would make me happy. Make me feel like I was doing something with my life. Make me feel good after putting in a long days work. I then told my friend ” i guess i need to just sit down and write things down, pray … see what i come up with”

The bible says in Jeremiah 29:11 :

For I know the plans that I have for you’ says the Lord. ‘Plans to prosper you not to harm you. Plans to give hope and a future.

I need to find not only my plans for me but God’s plans for me. So I have committed to finding what is going to be for me. Its crazy, she’s not the first person to ever say this but today was the day I was really ready to hear it. So this is another journey to add to the forward movement of my life.

So shout out to Shaie Michele for being on time.

Enthusiastically taking in Our God by Chris Tomlin while wearing High Maintenance.

Julian :  “I feel like  people get lost when they think of happiness as a destination. Well, we’re always thinking that someday we’ll be happy. We’ll get that car or that job or that person in our lives that’ll fix everything. But happiness is a mood. And it’s a condition, not a destination. It’s like being tired or hungry. It’s not permanent. It comes and goes and that’s okay. And I feel like if people thought of it that way they’d find happiness a lot more often.”

Brooke: “So you think it’s okay to be a little miserable every now and then, even when you have great things in your life?”

Julian:  “Is it okay to be little hungry now and then?”

This was a conversation between two characters on One Tree Hill. I think it gives a lot to think about.

Sometimes we need to know that it is okay to be unhappy with where our lives are. To be unhappy that we don’t have all of what we want or what we thought we would have. Sometimes we think about the things that other people don’t have and minimalize what pains or hurts we have. Just because your pains are different from mine do not make my pains any less painful. I remember watching an episode of Oprah when Reese Witherspoon was her guest. Oprah asked her about marriage counseling with her then husband, Ryan Phillipe. She talked about how everyone has their own issues that they have to deal with. That just because they are “famous” doesn’t mean they don’t have issues.

Lately, I have been wallowing in the sorrow that I am not where I want to be and I don’t have what I would like to have. I have been thinking about how when I make the necessary changes and transitions it is going to be uncomfortable for me for a while and how that may put me in a position that make me wish I never started these changes. Sometimes its overwhelming to see tomorrow on the horizon and know that it will bring a lot of things you want but may not be ready for. The other thing that may be overpowering is the fact that you know that you have outgrown where you are. I know that many people go through this phase in life. Sometimes this phase is what keeps people in a place of stunted growth, they have scared themselves into staying where they are. I don’t fear the unknown I just know that the unknown is unknown and I wish it wasn’t. I wish I knew how everything would play out.

I say all of that to say this. Being unhappy occasionally doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. Even if you have a lot of things to be happy about, being unhappy from time to time doesn’t mean that you are ungrateful. No one person has everything that they want. No one person has everything all figured out. No one person has all their ducks in a row. No one person has it all together. No one person has it all the answers. I think when we really take that in we stop looking to people to compare ourselves against. It does get better. We just have to stick it out.

Taking in I Want Something that I Want by Grace Potter & Bethany Joy Galetti and Heaven by John Legend with Nonfat Soy Half Caff and a splash of Watermelon.

-Imagoodgrl

1. I may not always like my job but I appreciate it. I  have gained more knowledge about this business then people twice my age.

2. I prefer shopping online than in  store because its rare to find a nice associate.

3. I hate when people say “it was like [fill in the blank]” the word like is not a space filler. This also goes for when people say “I think you have the wrong number” you know that your not the person I asked for.

4. I hate that people don’t understand the difference between need & want and right & privlege.

5. Though women are known to be oversharers, I am an undersharer.

6. I hate that their are people who don’t know what is going on with their finances because their spouse handles it.

7. I am my mother’s child.

8. I hate loud rap music during anytime of the day but only if I don’t know the song.

9. Something about me irritates females to their core. I don’t know what it is or what type of females fall victim to it.

10. I am dangerously close to being anti- social. I love to socialize but only when I am comfortable.

11. I don’t have any issue with riding in the passenger seat, I actually enjoy it.

12.  I don’t like casual talk in formal enviroments. Ex. You are at work talking about sex.

14. I am fairly old fashioned, where relationships are concerned,  I rather follow than lead.

15. I am so excited about my future.

16. I like talking in an English accent. One day I hope to be believable.

17. Growing up I only liked to use blue pens. Now I only use black pens.

18.I can be lazy. I don’t like doing laundry. I take showers at night so in the morning I can be out of the house 10 minutes.

19. I see traits of myself in people on televisions shows. And sometimes it makes me sad.

20. I love outlandish conversations with people that I have known for years.

21. I love reruns. I love Lucy. Roseanne. The Cosby Show. A Different World. Gilmore Girls. Law and Order. two parter: Growing up my sister and I watched a lot of old shows but when we were younger we didn’t know that I Love Lucy were reruns.

22. I love doctor shows… random fact: your uterus, rectum, and bladder can fall out. Don’t believe me look it up. I saw it on Dr. Oz.

23. I am a insecure version of my old self. It makes me sad to know that I was a much more confident person in my teens than I am in my 20’s.

24. I have become a typical girl. You know the kind that wishes someone just knew how you felt without telling them. It’s not realistic but I feel that way sometime.

25. I’m like a karaoke machine. I sing random songs all of time. Right note or wrong note, If I like the song or if I hear a song and it’s stuck, I’m singing it loud, proud, and sometimes wrong.

26. I had the most awesome trip of my life. Cancun. Why was it so awesome? I was virtually unreachable in a gorgeous suite-like room.  Away from everything else. Seclusion. Who’d think it would be so nice? I did.

Two lessons. Four days.

Sunday. My phone rings. Its my sister. She’s out of breath. “Some lady at church tried to steal you mother’s wallet,” She says in between breaths. After careful interrogation, I came away with the whole story.

The story as it was told me by several difference sources, goes as follows:

My parents where in the back part of our church building and they came through the church walking toward the place where my mother had laid her purse. Upon seeing her purse on the seat unattended my father asked my mother, “Why would you leave your purse here by itself?” As she approaches her purse she notices that her wallet was missing. When my mother stated her wallet was missing, my dad noticed a woman who kind of looked back and speed walked out into the foyer. My father follows as closely behind her as he can but when he gets to the foyer he doesn’t see her anymore. He gets some women to look in the women’s restroom. While he was there, my mother has been told that person who stole her wallet was the woman my dad had noticed. When the women out someone tells him, “She went to  McDonald’s.”  Off to McDonald’s he goes. Once they enter the McDonald’s they notice that they do not see the woman. They head to the bathroom. They find the lady locked in the bathroom stall. She is surrounded by about 20 to 30 people,from our church, telling her to give up the wallet. My mother banging on the stall door. And another man, from the church, looking over the stall telling her to give up the wallet. She eventually gives up the wallet. Her significant other tells her to come out. She does. She apologizes and says she is having a hard time. The police show up and ask if my parents want to press charges. My parents find that everything that was in the wallet was there, and feel it’s not necessary.

Tuesday. I come to work to find a site wide email that states the person who facilitates the extra-curricular activities for  us has lost the camera that she used to capture the few moments of non work related fun we are allowed. Wednesday. We receive an email that says Good news the camera has been recovered. I said aloud “it would be crazy if the person took it to take pictures with over the weekend and then returned it.” Later, I’m in the break room with one of my coworkers and the lady who runs our activities walks in. She tells us that the camera was returned but the person left pictures on the camera. My coworker asked if she was going to have the person fired. She said no. She said something on the inside of them made them return it and for that I won’t go forward with it. She then says, “His grace is Sufficient.”

In both incidents, the parties had the right to move forward with the punishments that each of the separate parties had earned. But they didn’t. I thought about how sometimes we feel as though people have to suffer the the wrongs they have committed against us and/ or others. So we look for vindication and revenge. But bible says in Romans 12:19:

Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.

It also says in Galations 6:7:

Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man sows, that shall he also reap.

I was thinking about the first incident. Thinking how could someone do that in the House of God. Then I thought about how we do so many things in the House that we shouldn’t. That we have to get to the point that the reverence that people once felt is restored. And really it’s not about doing or not doing something because we are at church or because there is a punishment, but getting to a point where we just don’t do something because it’s not right to do it.

I have learned that I am a principlist. No that is not a word. But I have come up with a definition to better explain myself.  A principlist is a person that functions based off of principle. So I am that. I don’t have to be directly affected to feel something is not right.  My father has taught me not to allow anyone to be disrespected in my presence because if the person will do that in front of you they will do it to you. We all need to the be people and the change we want to see. Through this year I have seen many things that make me lose faith in some people but not all people. And most importantly not God. 

As we exit this year, that for some of us has been especially hard, look to the basic things for joy. If you look at your life and you feel that you are not where you want to be, know that you aren’t where you used to be. If you look at your life and say that you are not particularly happy, know that you woke up this morning and, for most of us, every morning this year without any medical assistance. Your life, my life, and countless other lives have been renewed to make the most out of all of days we will have. Go into this next year not making faulty resolutions but benchmarks. Where do you want to be this time next year? What do you want to ultimately what to do? Who is helping you? Who is hindering you? You don’t need a new year, new week, or new day to make the decision you can change directions now. You can move forward now.

The new year is bringing new changes. We have to get right or we will get left.

I thank you for riding with me through my inconsistency. I hope that you have at the very least enjoyed this ride. I pray something here blesses your day.

I am reflectively taking in Hillsong United’s Take it All while preparing for Nonfat Soy Half Calf.

Imagoodgrl

For at least the past few months I had been harboring these feelings about what I felt my friend should do to protect my feelings. I did what I considered “feeling out the situation”. And one day it call came to a head. The question? What do you want me to do? They basically offered the solution that I had been thinking of for months, but the inside of me wished that conversation would not have lead to the decision. I wanted them to make the decision on their own.

A few years ago, I said I was going to “stop trying to make you love me the way that I love you.” And today that has brought me here.

Sometimes we have relationships and it may seem or feel as the the relationship is lopsided. You feel like you give more. You feel like they take more. You feel like you consider them more. You feel like they consider you less. You feel like you want the world for them. You feel like they could care less about what really happens to you. And at the end of the day you feel drained. They have never felt better. So what do you do?

Sometimes you just want the consideration that you put into something or someone to be returned to you. It doesn’t seem that difficult or far fetched. The issue is sometimes we feel like “they should just get it” “they should want to return to me what I gave to them.” My parents always told me not to lend or give anything away that if you never got it back you would be upset or you can’t do with out it. And latley I have realized that also applied to feelings and emotions.

Have you ever ended a relationship and wished that you never wasted the time or emotion on them? Not just with significant others but friends and co-workers too. You feel like “I wish I could have seen this coming and if I had I would have never [insert emotion or sacrifice] for them.” I have. I do. Sometimes I wish people showed me the same consideraation that I show them. You want me to go out of my way to do something for you but you can’t do something for me that is on your way.

So yea at one time I said that I would stop trying to make someone love me the way that I loved them. I lied. I can’t make myself get over the fact that in relationships that we have chosen to build that we shouldn’t get exactly what we put in to them. So what happens now? Do I change how am I in my relationships? Or do I just speak up? If I do what then? So many questions.

Lately, I have been doing a lot of thinking. About who I am and what I want. Sometimes I just feel like sometimes I convince myself of things so much I’m lying to myself. I used to say “The worse thing you could do is lie to yourself.  You can lie to your friends. Your family. You could even lie to God, its pointless since he knows the truth. But when you start lying to yourself, you start to believe it. And that is the worse.” The truth is I really don’t feel like I have anything I want. That makes me sad. To me it seems like a dumb thing to be sad about. In the times that we are in and especially taking into account my age, its not the worse thing in the world. There is a lot in front of me. *Light bulb* I guess on that part, I’m going to be okay. I will get it together so what if I don’t have all together right now.*Kayne Shrug*[1]

One day I hope to be past expecting to receive what I give. But today is not that day.

Sorrowfully taking in Fred Hammond’s Lost in You Again with chipped Bachelorette Bash and Tart Deco.

 


[1] Kayne is not a typo. It is a play on the term *Kanye Shrug*. Lyrical  roots from Kanye West’s Diamonds “It’s Kanye, but some of my plaques, they still say Kayne.”