So you may or, most likely, may not have noticed it’s been sometime since my last posting. And honestly I have been busy-ish but I have also been lazy-ish… Well more lazy than ish when it comes to this. But I have made a safe return. With the thoughts that have brought me here today.

So yea this is a part 3. Same purpose. Same theme. Same goal. 

Months ago I was searching for what would ultimately make me happy. And now months later I am not too much closer than I was back then. I know a little bit more than I did, as it pertains to life. Things are different. But I still do not know what will make me happy or what I am supposed to be doing with my life.

I have however started putting some of my plans into action. That, I do have to say, feels really good. From time to time, I see a guy that I was in training with at my job and he always mentions where I said I wanted to be years ago. It goes as follows, ” Oh you’re still here. I remember when you said you were going to be gone in a year. How long has it been now?” And when I run into him I get annoyed that he brings it up EVERY time I see him. But the bible says in Ecclesiastes 3:1:

 To everything there is a season,
A time for every purpose under heaven:

What does that mean? I am exactly where I am supposed to be. And that feels good.

I wanted to write this blog a few days ago when a friend of my got really good news. When I met her years ago I told her (Shanette) that she reminded me of another friend of mine (Shaie). Why? Because these women are two the most focused women I know. When they put their minds to something they do it. And neither of them having a perfect life but whatever life throws their way they continue to be goal minded. It is a pleasure to see. And both of them have personalities do not disappoint. So as I move forward with this journey that I am on, I take the wisdom and knowledge from those around me. I thank God for the ability to be close enough to see your greatness.

So Congratulations to Shanette on the new journey that you are embarking on.  I’m going to come down to Atlanta to visit. And shout to Shaie for being the person you have always been. Love you both!

Refreshingly taking in Hillsong’s Lead Me to the Cross and Fred Hammond’s Awesome God while in the fog.

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So today I had a conversation with one of my out-of-state best friends. We were talking about what I consider typical things that young women of our age talk about. The Future. I was telling her that I plan to move across the country within the next few months and the other life changes to come. While discussing that. I was telling her that I am unsure what I really want to go to school for. Lately I have been recreationally in school. What does that mean? I have taken classes but without any real goal. I started with one but now I am just not so sure.

As I was telling her about my lack of direction she asked me a question, “Do you remember how I figured [it] out?” I respond, “No I don’t remember.” She tells me, ” if you didn’t have to worry about money…..what would you [do] for free?”  The funny thing was my sister and I were talking about that very thing the day before. I jokingly told both my sister and my friend “i would be kim kardashian… u kno without the sextape and whore tendencies.”

But at that moment the light bulb just went off… I need to figure out what I would do for free that would make me happy. Make me feel like I was doing something with my life. Make me feel good after putting in a long days work. I then told my friend ” i guess i need to just sit down and write things down, pray … see what i come up with”

The bible says in Jeremiah 29:11 :

For I know the plans that I have for you’ says the Lord. ‘Plans to prosper you not to harm you. Plans to give hope and a future.

I need to find not only my plans for me but God’s plans for me. So I have committed to finding what is going to be for me. Its crazy, she’s not the first person to ever say this but today was the day I was really ready to hear it. So this is another journey to add to the forward movement of my life.

So shout out to Shaie Michele for being on time.

Enthusiastically taking in Our God by Chris Tomlin while wearing High Maintenance.

So recently I have been going through a really rough time. It’s amazing how one event can change your life status. I am hurting not beyond repair but definately beyond belief. I am not going into detail about the circumstances about why I feel this way and I appreciate in advance for you not contacting me to ask me what is wrong.

Normally I don’t have a need to explain my title but tonight I will. I generally can take something benefical from anything. In this case it is Danity Kane’s Damaged. Ever since I heard the song I always felt as though it was a communication with God. Now I just want to say I do not think that this song is a gospel song.  I just did I just see it this way. As weird as you make think it is I just got that.  The part that really made me feel this way says “Can you fix my  h-e-a-r-t Cause it’s d-a-m-a-g-e-d Tell me are you up for the challenge… My heart is damaged damaged damaged.” I just always thought that. And now that I feel that my heart and prespective of the world are damaged those words speak to me.

Certain places are supposed to be solace and not battlegrounds but in life the tides often turn. I just don’t think anyone can understand how I feel about the events of the recent past. I normally am not emotional person. I will tell anyone that I have emotions but I am not emotional. Today I have been feel very emotional and conflicted. Through life we hold certain titles and I have picked up one that I never thought I would.

Physically my heart hurts. I probably could use a hug but I need to reject them right now. I can’t explain, that is how I feel right now. I know that if I needed an ear someone would lend theirs but right now I can’t have outside influence or opinion.

However since this situation I have decided not to settle. Period. I can’t. I want only what is for me and I will have that. I have plans and goals. This will not stop me.I know that I can’t not take a break from life. There are more important things than me in this moment right now. This will not be the death of me or my spirit. I believe in the “grace that restores visions and dreams/ grace that releases mircles.” I’M A SURVIVOR I WIN! Thank you. You know who you are I needed that. I know it maybe a little bothersome not to know the situation, but I hold good on my promises and I said I would let you in and I will.

Painfully yet optmistically drinking in Byron Cage’s I need you now while damaged and bare.