A couple of days ago I came across a Facebook status that said something to the effect of “black out your profile picture as we await the verdict of the Trayvon Martin case.” I looked at the status and past it by. I thought to myself my changing my picture will not change the outcome that is ahead. My changing my profile picture will not matter. Then later I thought about how just weeks and months prior people changed their profile pictures to show they were in support of their cause. I thought about how when people saw this specific symbol they knew where this particular person stood on this particular issue. I thought about how for people who stood with them on the issue, some of whom changed their picture as well, may have felt as sense of oneness. I thought about that and said to myself “the Trayvon Martin case means enough to me to black out my picture.” I thought to myself people who stand with me will know they have someone showing support as well and people who don’t stand with me or don’t care will know this is important to me. I have said to many people around me that this case would be my generation’s “Rodney King.”

Fast forward to July 13, 2013. My boyfriend and I are watching Lincoln when he receives a text saying, “the verdict is in.” We pause the movie and turn to HLN. We sit and await the verdict. The wait was short, maybe a couple of minutes or so. Our hearts were literally pounding, mine harder than I can ever remember when exercise was not involved. The jury reads the verdict… NOT GUILTY.

I sit in my bed stunned and within seconds of the verdict tears pour down my face. My heart is heavy.

The press conference had nothing for me. It didn’t ease anything in my heart or my mind about what had taken place. I sit in my bed and wonder why in this day and time, where people say that race is not a factor are we shown time and time again that it is?

Weeks ago I spoke to my father and I told him, “I don’t know if I want to have kids. Raising Black kids in this time seems more difficult than before. At least, in times past you knew that you were working against the grain. Schools and media tell you that the days of working against the grain because of your race are long over. And they aren’t.” I thought about how when it came to possible issues that could arise in school my parents would tell me, “As long as your are not doing anything wrong, you won’t have anything to worry about.”  Trayvon Martin wasn’t doing anything wrong and the result was dire. I didn’t sleep well through the night. I tossed and turned. Every time I did, I could only think about the verdict that had come down. So every time I tossed or turned through the night I prayed, “Lord, give me peace.”

ImageMy heart hurts for his parents. Mr. Martin and Mrs. Fulton, I know that losing your child cannot be easy and dealing with everything that has come with what has happen has to be very difficult. I have been crying and praying for you. I know that you may not ever read this but I know that Trayvon could have been my cousin or my friend and I don’t take this lightly. You have shown such grace throughout this entire ordeal and I pray that you will be comforted in this most difficult time.

My friend posted a Facebook status saying, “i don’t wanna just be sad. what can i do to ACTUALLY make a difference?‪#‎JusticeForTrayvon‬.” I feel the same way. I don’t fake care about this situation. I actually care about this and I don’t know what I can do but I want to do something. There are people talking about how black on black crime are issues within the black community that need to be solved before we can expect for the justice we want to come to fruition. To me they are two different problems that do not have anything to do with one another. Before black people were killing each other in this country, they were being killed at the hands of others.

People have the similar argument about the use of the word nigger/ nigga by white people or people who aren’t black when black people use it. Also I say that before black people where being called nigga by one another they were being called nigger by others. Yes, there are internal issues to be resolved but the internal issues do not take away from the existing external issues.

I am very somber but I know that the bible says in Isaiah 55:8,

My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither my ways your ways. Declares the Lord.

That means that God knows what he’s doing and what the plan is. I don’t know and I can’t lie I don’t see the vision but I trust that there is a vision.