Tuesday, November 8, 2016. The night my sleep was elusive. Why? Because I could feel the hope draining from my life. It was about 4 or 5 O’ Clock in the evening (EST) on the 8th, I was listening to live coverage on CNN. Before any of the results were in, they were talking about exit polls and the expectancy of that night’s winner, Hillary Clinton. While conversing, someone on the panel mentioned the concept of the “hidden vote.” Hidden vote? People who would come out in support of Drumpf¹ who had publicly pledged support to Clinton. They discussed how there had never been any real proof to a “hidden vote.”

And like a ton of bricks it hit me. Drumpf is going to win tonight. What made me think that? White people hate being called racist. But they love to do racist things. In essence its the belief that, “I agree with the things that Donald Drumpf is saying but I know that people will think I’m a bad person for that. So I won’t tell anyone that I agree because I don’t want to be called a racist.”

I go home and try to get through my night. I have never checked election results so much. It was terrible. Just as I suspected the tables were turning towards Drumpf. I tried to take my mind off the elections that were tormenting me. I tried to watch funny shows and movies. Nothing. I checked the results one last time. Ugh! Go to sleep and hope for the best. I slept a terrible feather light sleep that night.

It is Wednesday. Awaken by my Husband’s exit on his way to work. I check the results. Drumpf. It was like a punch to the gut. Though my normal waking hour is hours away, I can’t go back to sleep. I write a new Facebook status, ” Hug Someone. Someone Hug me.” I get a call from my husband. “How are you feeling?” he says. While crying painful tears I respond, ” I feel personally attacked.” Validating my feelings he says ” because it is a personal attack.”

Gather myself together. I get on the commuter train, then to the metro rail. Looking at every person with disdain in my heart thinking, “Was it you? Its your fault.” Get to work to see a few people avoiding eye contact, which to me was an admission of guilt. That day EVERYTHING meant something. I was hurting. The visions for my future seemed further away. What was most hurtful was the hostility that I felt for the people who I felt “did this to me.” I didn’t like that feeling. I don’t like that feeling.

As we have drew nearer and nearer to this day. The day before the inauguration of Donald J. Drumpf. I am overly unhappy with the turn of events. Enter ABC’s Blackish. They put together the most amazing episode about the aftermath of the Drumpf election. It helped to voice my feelings and smooth the wrinkles in my heart that made me think everything would not be okay overall.

Some 8 years ago I sat down to the write My Life through the Eyes I was Given with great wisdom and hope for the life and the Presidency to come. While the current President and Administration has not been perfect, there has been great progress. The world is different now. That is virtually undeniable. More now than ever we have to be and make the change we want to see. I am more hopeful than I have ever been since November 8th. I stand firm on my convictions after 44 and until 46, the only president I acknowledge is President Tom Kirkman on Designated Survivor, because Drumpf is not my President.  

Thank you President Obama, First Lady Michelle Obama, Vice President Joe Biden, Mrs. Jill Biden, and both of your families, you all were better than we deserved.

I’m bare with reflection because… My President is Black  by Jeezy and Jayz.

 

¹ Drumpf is the surname of Donald Trump’s family. The name was changed by his grandfather to better assimilate to the United States. You can see John Oliver speak of Donald’s long lost surname here.

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Keianna White has a question for all who are willing, is it dramatic, extra, or unrealistic for person 1 to want to go to places and do things with person 2 that person 2 has never done or gone with anyone else if they are dating, seeing each other, or “talking”?

This was my question to Facebook yesterday. I have been thinking about this for some time now. What can I say it’s been a long time coming. Is it reasonable to want to only experience things that the person you are interested in has never experienced with someone else?

I can understand the need to want to know that things are fresh and new. However how realistic is it? Truly how would you feel if someone told you regardless of the fact that these places mean something to you outside of your past relationships I don’t want to go there if you have been there with them. I don’t think it’s realistic, but I understand it at the same time. I wish I that I would be the first person to make footprints in the sand, but I won’t be. In the same way many of us will not be the first one to make a move on someone’s heart.

There is something about having a past that makes you human. However in the context of a relationship, however it is that you describe yours, there is something that makes it uncomfortable to know that there was someone before you. I don’t think that I am the only one that feels this way but as I often say, if it’s just me I understand. There is something about knowing or not knowing that one day when it was cold he gave her his coat to keep her warm, the way he does with you. There is something about knowing or not knowing one night when he had a rough day he put his head in her lap and she rubbed his head, the way she does with you.

When I asked this question to my Facebook friends the responses I received were that it’s not unrealistic but romantic, the thought of experiencing things with someone you care about that both of you have never experienced before. One of my friends stated that they had a clean slate so they are more optimistic about wanting to experience new things with the one that they would grow to care about. I agree with him, I am a bit pessimistic regarding this not because I don’t want to go out of my way to purposely not go places or do things that I once shared with someone else but because I feel that someone my take this as an unreasonable request. As I stated in the beginning, I understand if someone feels that way. I have been to places that I enjoy with people of my past but not because of them but rather because I enjoyed the places.

I’m sure it’s more of an insecurity thing within me that makes me not want to experience things that have been experienced by someone else, but it is what it is. The driving force behind all of this isn’t that I want more than whoever was before me but in the back of my mind I would wonder if she as deserving of whatever experience that we now mentally share as I am. Does a memory of that person resurrect when you have this experience with me?

I understand that when allowing one to love another you have to accept their past as something that happened before and has nothing to do with you. I understand that their past has gotten them to where they are, you. But stories of dinners, trips, and random goings on of time with the person past could be too much. And for those who feel it is too much, are they unrealistic to not want to encounter any of it? Does that make them insecure beyond repair?

We all have memories and stories of our past. Some that we enjoy so much that we want to share with anyone who is willing to listen, including the one whom which we have entrusted our hearts. Not being able to share these events or feelings can be a major road block in one’s relationship. Knowing of the past helps build up the future but knowing that you enjoyed time with someone else the way you enjoy time with me can be intimidating at best. Think about it this way, the thought of adventures with an ex allows us to know that the ex isn’t as crazy/psycho as we wanted to believe, which may make some feel like they are competing the past.  

I just wonder if I am the only one that is this insecure at times. I wonder if you got this request would you dismiss the person and their insecurities or would you enable them. Would you call it enabling or making them feel comfortable with your past? Should you have to make someone comfortable with your past? As I have said in other posts tonight I do not have the answers but all of the questions. Once again if it is just me, I understand. I’m a work in progress. We are still working on me.

Reflectivly taking in John Legend’s Everybody knows while damaged and bare.

I have seen this movie only twice but the second time I saw the movie this scene stuck out so vividly in my mind. And I didn’t know why until I began to think about writting this post.

I think about how true those words are. In life many people have many dreams and through the course of life their dreams dwindle. Be it lack of belief that it can be done or just that the dream just isn’t important anymore they go away many never to return again. Many times the reason is people have told their dream to someone who couldn’t understand it and because they don’t understand it they not only reject it but they try to annihilate it. For some it doesn’t stop them from attempting to reach their orginial dream and they press forward fighting everyone who is condricting their truth. For most others when the right person advises that the dream that they hold dear is impossible they walk away from it without many regrets.

It’s important for us to protect our dreams and visions. How do you do that? Keep your dream close to your heart and don’t tell everyone your dream. Everyone close to you can not appreciate your mind and heart, so when you have something deep inside of you that you want they can’t help you build it. In not understanding what is within you, they speak nonsense over your dream to get you to think that it’s either impossible or unimportant. I have seen the dreams, visions, and expectations of people, including myself, go by the wayside because we did not know the importance of keeping you dream protected.

In life we go through many steps to protect many things of various importance in our lives but many of our dreams ended up unprotected. You lock your doors when you leave your car or house. You have a password for your computer, phone, and email. But where your dreams are concerned there is not covering. Many times in the excitement of finding your dream you share it with someone in your life and they spit on your dream. When someone disregards your dream you need to know that your dream is important enough to you to keep fighting for. In life many people have had dreams that we seemily unimportant or impossible but they pressed forward. They had to have had many people say that it would never happen but through their blood, sweat, tears, and faith they made it.

I encourage everyone to live you dreams. No matter what age you are live them. If not you then who? Why should others build their dreams and visions and get what they have expected while you just get what comes to you? I beg  you to protect your dream and that you exercise wisdom in sharing your dream. And if someone doesn’t understand your dream I pray that God gives you the strength to press forward and fight for your dream, vision, or expection.

Profoundly drinking in Beyonce’s Listen with a Clear conscience.

Firstly, I would like to thank you for following me here to my joint blogging home. Secondly, I would like to restate that I don’t really know what is urging me to write about this topic but here I am. Thirdly, I am not scouting out a husband. I am not running towards the isle. This is just what is in my heart right now. So the other day I was thinking about all of the qualities that I want in my future husband and I came across a myspace blog posting of my bestie where she bares her 62-point minimum requirement. I elected a different approach at the same. I decided to create a list of promises that I could make to the man I would one day call my husband. I figure this was the best way to approach my list, by committing to promises that I can live up to and in turn expect of him as well. I want my husband to know that he can commit to these promises and have a list of his own.

So I find myself dreaming of the man that I will one day call my husband. I think about how our children will love us. And how our hard days will end with his head in my lap while I’m slowly rubbing his head. I think about how our children ask how we met and we look at each other knowing that God couldn’t have orchestrated our meeting better if he had tried. Going to sleep every night thinking about how I was blessed with the best man alive. And even when the bad days comes know that there isn’t anything that we can not face together with God.

Truthfully, I never saw myself as a “dater”. I always knew that by design I would be the settled type. At times this has been a downfall. I did think that I saw my husband in him. I came to realization that I didn’t so I couldn’t live that life any longer. I know when God shows me to my husband, he will be able to make more commitments to me that I could think of and I to him. So I’m not going to say that I am ready. I have so much growing to do in so many different ways, but I know that I can’t wait until God sees fit to add to my life in that way. I don’t plan to rush the process nor explore it on my own. I will wait patiently wait.

Thank you once again for reading my mind tonight. Here’s something that I found and instantly fell in love with Floetry Fantasize. Comments can be posted on both the facebook note or the myspace blog.

I’m soulfully drinking in Destiny’s Child’s Cater to you and Chrisette Michele’s Golden with Lovely Lavendar  with Shocking Pink dots.