Tuesday, November 8, 2016. The night my sleep was elusive. Why? Because I could feel the hope draining from my life. It was about 4 or 5 O’ Clock in the evening (EST) on the 8th, I was listening to live coverage on CNN. Before any of the results were in, they were talking about exit polls and the expectancy of that night’s winner, Hillary Clinton. While conversing, someone on the panel mentioned the concept of the “hidden vote.” Hidden vote? People who would come out in support of Drumpf¹ who had publicly pledged support to Clinton. They discussed how there had never been any real proof to a “hidden vote.”

And like a ton of bricks it hit me. Drumpf is going to win tonight. What made me think that? White people hate being called racist. But they love to do racist things. In essence its the belief that, “I agree with the things that Donald Drumpf is saying but I know that people will think I’m a bad person for that. So I won’t tell anyone that I agree because I don’t want to be called a racist.”

I go home and try to get through my night. I have never checked election results so much. It was terrible. Just as I suspected the tables were turning towards Drumpf. I tried to take my mind off the elections that were tormenting me. I tried to watch funny shows and movies. Nothing. I checked the results one last time. Ugh! Go to sleep and hope for the best. I slept a terrible feather light sleep that night.

It is Wednesday. Awaken by my Husband’s exit on his way to work. I check the results. Drumpf. It was like a punch to the gut. Though my normal waking hour is hours away, I can’t go back to sleep. I write a new Facebook status, ” Hug Someone. Someone Hug me.” I get a call from my husband. “How are you feeling?” he says. While crying painful tears I respond, ” I feel personally attacked.” Validating my feelings he says ” because it is a personal attack.”

Gather myself together. I get on the commuter train, then to the metro rail. Looking at every person with disdain in my heart thinking, “Was it you? Its your fault.” Get to work to see a few people avoiding eye contact, which to me was an admission of guilt. That day EVERYTHING meant something. I was hurting. The visions for my future seemed further away. What was most hurtful was the hostility that I felt for the people who I felt “did this to me.” I didn’t like that feeling. I don’t like that feeling.

As we have drew nearer and nearer to this day. The day before the inauguration of Donald J. Drumpf. I am overly unhappy with the turn of events. Enter ABC’s Blackish. They put together the most amazing episode about the aftermath of the Drumpf election. It helped to voice my feelings and smooth the wrinkles in my heart that made me think everything would not be okay overall.

Some 8 years ago I sat down to the write My Life through the Eyes I was Given with great wisdom and hope for the life and the Presidency to come. While the current President and Administration has not been perfect, there has been great progress. The world is different now. That is virtually undeniable. More now than ever we have to be and make the change we want to see. I am more hopeful than I have ever been since November 8th. I stand firm on my convictions after 44 and until 46, the only president I acknowledge is President Tom Kirkman on Designated Survivor, because Drumpf is not my President.  

Thank you President Obama, First Lady Michelle Obama, Vice President Joe Biden, Mrs. Jill Biden, and both of your families, you all were better than we deserved.

I’m bare with reflection because… My President is Black  by Jeezy and Jayz.

 

¹ Drumpf is the surname of Donald Trump’s family. The name was changed by his grandfather to better assimilate to the United States. You can see John Oliver speak of Donald’s long lost surname here.

Keianna White has a question for all who are willing, is it dramatic, extra, or unrealistic for person 1 to want to go to places and do things with person 2 that person 2 has never done or gone with anyone else if they are dating, seeing each other, or “talking”?

This was my question to Facebook yesterday. I have been thinking about this for some time now. What can I say it’s been a long time coming. Is it reasonable to want to only experience things that the person you are interested in has never experienced with someone else?

I can understand the need to want to know that things are fresh and new. However how realistic is it? Truly how would you feel if someone told you regardless of the fact that these places mean something to you outside of your past relationships I don’t want to go there if you have been there with them. I don’t think it’s realistic, but I understand it at the same time. I wish I that I would be the first person to make footprints in the sand, but I won’t be. In the same way many of us will not be the first one to make a move on someone’s heart.

There is something about having a past that makes you human. However in the context of a relationship, however it is that you describe yours, there is something that makes it uncomfortable to know that there was someone before you. I don’t think that I am the only one that feels this way but as I often say, if it’s just me I understand. There is something about knowing or not knowing that one day when it was cold he gave her his coat to keep her warm, the way he does with you. There is something about knowing or not knowing one night when he had a rough day he put his head in her lap and she rubbed his head, the way she does with you.

When I asked this question to my Facebook friends the responses I received were that it’s not unrealistic but romantic, the thought of experiencing things with someone you care about that both of you have never experienced before. One of my friends stated that they had a clean slate so they are more optimistic about wanting to experience new things with the one that they would grow to care about. I agree with him, I am a bit pessimistic regarding this not because I don’t want to go out of my way to purposely not go places or do things that I once shared with someone else but because I feel that someone my take this as an unreasonable request. As I stated in the beginning, I understand if someone feels that way. I have been to places that I enjoy with people of my past but not because of them but rather because I enjoyed the places.

I’m sure it’s more of an insecurity thing within me that makes me not want to experience things that have been experienced by someone else, but it is what it is. The driving force behind all of this isn’t that I want more than whoever was before me but in the back of my mind I would wonder if she as deserving of whatever experience that we now mentally share as I am. Does a memory of that person resurrect when you have this experience with me?

I understand that when allowing one to love another you have to accept their past as something that happened before and has nothing to do with you. I understand that their past has gotten them to where they are, you. But stories of dinners, trips, and random goings on of time with the person past could be too much. And for those who feel it is too much, are they unrealistic to not want to encounter any of it? Does that make them insecure beyond repair?

We all have memories and stories of our past. Some that we enjoy so much that we want to share with anyone who is willing to listen, including the one whom which we have entrusted our hearts. Not being able to share these events or feelings can be a major road block in one’s relationship. Knowing of the past helps build up the future but knowing that you enjoyed time with someone else the way you enjoy time with me can be intimidating at best. Think about it this way, the thought of adventures with an ex allows us to know that the ex isn’t as crazy/psycho as we wanted to believe, which may make some feel like they are competing the past.  

I just wonder if I am the only one that is this insecure at times. I wonder if you got this request would you dismiss the person and their insecurities or would you enable them. Would you call it enabling or making them feel comfortable with your past? Should you have to make someone comfortable with your past? As I have said in other posts tonight I do not have the answers but all of the questions. Once again if it is just me, I understand. I’m a work in progress. We are still working on me.

Reflectivly taking in John Legend’s Everybody knows while damaged and bare.

“Keianna White has been thinking that before yesterday at 11 o’clock service, she has never felt like she was in the right place at the right time. Never has she been so overjoyed to experience an oppurtunity that she possibly would not have considered. And all she did was say yes… Imagine that.”

Throughout my life I have felt, at times, my life was just one string of random events after another. Particularly post high school, I have felt most things I had encountered had been random. Meeting people, going places, seeing things. All random. Now understand, I don’t completely remit all my role in the events but I feel some events were random but some premeditated.

So due to my at times abnormal feelings, I have felt as though I have  fallen off course and off-balance. When having conversations with people who have been strategically placed to uplift me, I was told that I am “exactly where [I am] supposed to be.” And every time I hear it, it chips away at the insecurity that I have built up through out my life.

Recently, I was selected to work beside my Pastor’s wife. When I was asked I really just said yea. I didn’t consider anything else. I felt like it was an honor to be selected. I really didn’t think about what exactly it would entail but I knew I would have the opportunity to learn and I was excited about that. I was selected to begin my rotation on May 2.

In general, I always forsee that things are different from how they appear. So I saw First Lady’s other adjutants and what they did but I also thought that there has to be more to what that they do that I didn’t see. So approaching my first day I began to get nervous because I didn’t know what quite to expect. Day 1. Few mistakes. Keep it moving.

While on the phone with my best friend I began to tell him about my feeling out-of-place, when he told me that I was in place that I was supposed to be in. He offered up several  examples to support his position. And instantly, tears filled my eyes because hearing that made for a very emotional moment.

On Sunday, I get up with all my enthusiasm with expectation for the day. I am awaiting service to begin when Pastor tells me that I did a good job the previous week and how I looked like I was  exactly where I was supposed to be. The progression of service evolves and Pastor begins to speak. I was sitting there next to First Lady thinking “I am so in the right place at the right time.” And it felt awesome.

The service continues and Pastor begins to lay hands on people. When he gets to the end of the line he turns to me and speaks into my life. I got home  and really digested the day and all that Pastor said. All I could think about was the fact that all I did was say yes. Yes to something I was selected to do. It just boggled my mind because I didn’t go out of my way to find this or to be seen. I just said yes.

I left service feeling more secure than I had in a very long time. I needed this. For those who are like me who just don’t see what people see in you. Those of us that it just hasn’t sunk in quite yet. Keep persevering. Those who like me, just need to say yes. Do it. It will change your life. I promise.

Listening to Shekinah Glory’s Yes, Hillsong’s Inside out, and Fred Hammond’s Awesome God while in chipped and cracked love letters.

To whom it may concern:

I know just as well as anyone else what it feels like to be in love and what it feels like to want to have someone in your life to love. I have been alarmed with the things that I have bear witness to; People who have put milestones aside to feed into their desires to be needed.

In the past year or so I have had friends have drastic and heart wrenching halts to engagements, deterioration of long term relationships, relationships ended due to dormant lies, and friends entering relationships of doom and confusion. 

I am concerned and a little bit aggravated with the happenings of those close to me. Friends, family, and readers, reality is reality and life is not a dream. I don’t want to sound like a pessimist while those close to me know that I am in a very happy place in my life. But the reality is this: many of us want so much from life and a mate that sometimes we consider settling. We find ourselves feeling like no one would understand our baggage, hang-ups, faults, quirks, damages and when someone does we get comfortable there. We overlook or make excuses for things that we’ve always disliked or saw as downfalls because they seemingly aren’t bothered by our “stuff”, so we take theirs. As someone who dealt with a lot of “stuff” I have learned that it you end up hating the fact that you dealt with so much for so long.

 Why is it that when we have a new love our lives dramatically change? When did I realize that love had changed my life? When my 2000+ rollover minutes turned into 70 minutes. For almost a year I didn’t use my anytime minutes but when I really started to get know this guy we talked more and I literally had to change my network to something that “allowed me to talk to [him] longer” to avoid a high bill. My ultimate question is how much is too much? When does a simple request turn into a demand? When are you too isolated? When have you lost everything and gained nothing?

 I’m not saying that I have any of the answers. Tonight I just have a lot of questions. I have seen friends of mine have their lives shattered by their relationships. I can’t lie it makes me tread a little softer. I won’t say it can’t happen to me… But I do have faith in myself enough to be able to see the sign before it is too late. I have been thinking about something that someone told me not too long ago, they said, “it’s impossible to be have a successful career and have a stable happy family.” This woman, who had 3 grown children and a husband to whom she had been married for many years, was telling me that I could not have a successful career and family. I refused to believe that it had to be that way. I am reaffirmed in my belief that you can have both a successful family and career without settling. I have reconnected with two women, who through my high school years spoke so much life into me, who did well for themselves and now have beautiful families. Through all they taught me in my high school years I can only believe that they did not cave to the pressures and time schedules put upon them by society. I can by no means say that they have had it easy nor can I say that they have all that they want but I can say when you do not settle you get your reward.

With love

-Imagoodgrl

Reposted from July 12, 2009; in the Transfer from eccentricrelaxtion.com to imagoodgrl.wordpress.com this posting was lost. So here it is for your reading pleasure.

On Facebook there is a place when it states ones relationship status: single, open, in a relationship, engaged, married, widowed, and it’s complicated. Day after day I see friends and aquaintances who have stated that their relationship is complicated. I assume the point of the it’s complicated relationship status is that you’re kinda in limbo between an defined relationship and and open one or that someone is deciding whether or not that relationship is where they want to be. My question at that point is: Isn’t life itself complicated? And if you agree, who or what is making yours more complicated?

So I have two friends who have rather complicated situations within their complicated lifes. One is a live-in girlfriend to a man with three children by another woman. The other is a live-in girlfriend to a guy who lives at home with his parents. So as you can see these are complicated situations. While at lunch both friends and myself were talking about the requests one makes of the man in their life and what one actually gets in return. A male friend joins the conversation at which time he tells us that “you choose your emotions.” Basically saying you feel a certain way because you choose to. And in response we were on his head immediately. Why? Because in essence you can not choose your emotions.  One of the female friends states, “So if Paul cheated on me. I’m supposed be like Paul just cheated on me. But I’m going home to make dinner and get ready for him because I choose to be happy?” He then responds, “You choose to deal with or not. And also if you deal with it how?” Which makes sense but that wasn’t his orginal point.

I have recently began to feel that being emotional can complicate a situation. I believe when your emotions override you ability to communicate or logically assess the situation you can’t get your point across. Being emotional can change your ability to decide between what you know and what you feel. I guess I always try to logically assess situations because truthfully the wrong move could kill you. The problem with being more logical than emotional is when your emotions defy all logic you don’t know how to react. When what you feel begins to infiltrate what you know, you are forced to either fight your emotions to stay logically or ride with your emotions. The reason that is so hard for me is because I just forsee my emotions leading into the woods at night without a flashlight by myself. You may think that I’m dramatic but this is how I feel. I can only speak for myself but the reason I keep my emotions barried is because what if you can’t handle how I would feel about a certain situation, but all in the same when my emotions break past my logic I concede. So would you then say my emotional status would say It’s complicated?

So one of my friends moved on emotion and, in her eyes, love. She was maintaining this long distant relationship and one weekend goes to visit her boyfriend and when it was time for her to return home she decided not to; she moved in with his family. She says that the pain from leaving him and being without him for a long period time hurt too much to go home. Anyone who has been in a long distance relationship or in a relationship with someone you couldn’t see a lot understands that pain that she’s referring to.  I then remembered how much hurts to know that the person you are in a relationship with is going to be out of physical reach for a while and I realize I could never have made that decision. I’m just too logical.  Now as a result of her knee jerk decision her life is really hard. The decisions that they have made since have made their life together increasingily harder. At times it makes their life status read It’s complicated.

It was funny while at in discussion with both friends the one with the boyfriend with children said that “If it happens for you, you will fall in love and move in together, and live happily ever after.” My  other friend and I look at each other and kind of chuckle, “It will definately play out different.” The difference is that I have learned a little bit in my time; I realized your life is most complicated when you settle. It really is. When you go against what you know is right or what you desereve you end up just dealing with everything as a result of a decision .  It’s in the Musiq The Questions

What’ll happen if i settle and just go along with what I have
Cause there’s a difference between good and great
And good wasn’t built to last

So today I ask no urge you to look within yourself and your life to see where you find life is most complicated and find the source of it. Once the source has been found do one of two things resolve it or remember it. Resolve it meaning see if there is anyway to make it no longer complicated and do that. Uncomplicating a situation is not always easy but is always necessary. Remember it meaning don’t make the same faulty decision later. The problem with it’s complicated situations is once they have been either resolved we tend to forget them and when another possible it’s complicated situation is brewing we don’t remember what it took to resolve, demolish, or escape the last one. Live and learn.

Reflectivily drinking Pharrel’s Frontin’ while in some like it hot.

 

Have you ever felt like something wasn’t too good to be true but too good to stay true? Have you felt that if there is anything that you want just a little too much could vanish before you ever really got a chance to experience them? I know that I have. Finding yourself in deep thought about the reality of your dream.

I was thinking about the many times we find ourselves in that place. Anxiously waiting for something or someone to let us down. If it’s just me I understand. I have learned that time and time again we force people and things to stand up through the test of time because of something someone or something else did.

If you get an umbrella from a certain company and within weeks the umbrella breaks during its first encounter with the elements, you would then seek a seemingly more sturdy umbrella. You would look for one that would uphold is condition to protect you from the weather the way the product was supposed to. From that point on you may have bias against that brand of umbrella when the reality may be that the one umbrella had the issue not the complete make.

There comes a time in one’s life when they see that what they see and feel may be different. And in essence I guess that is fine. I have found within myself the reality of today side by side with the reality of yesterday. Looking within myself trying to see why the difference is so drastic. Thinking on those things can make one analyze and re-analyze something that is not meant to be analyze. Re-living experiances that could cause silent beefs but ultimately to put in a box and never to deal with. What is more detremental, saying how one feels even if it makes them seem a little weak or file the emotions/feelings away and eat them in private? I really don’t know I can’t answer because that is where I am. I am at a crossroads of what I feel and what is. Truth is I feel a certain way and really don’t know how to address it. So until I can either find a big girl pill to address it or this trully doesn’t bother me any more, I’m just here.

The worse of all of the situations is when people cause people in their lives to make up for mistakes that they didn’t make. How would you feel to know that paying extra because someone else fell short. All day everyday you know that you are working against the past. It’s hard. I know that it’s also hard to see what is in front of you versus what is behind you. Some make it a better progression then others but I challenge all of those who know that today’s reality is a little be harder than yesterday’s not to make today’s reality pay for yesterday’s short comings.

Intensively drinking in Video and Get it Together by India Arie with a clear conscience.

I’m in love. I fell in love. Love at first sight. What’s realistic? Personally, I think the latter two statements are crap. And excuse me if I am less then gentle way of saying that it bothers me. I just cannot believe in the act of falling in love or love at first sight. Those phrases make me sick to my stomach or rather boil my blood. The ignorance behind those statements is beyond me. People use these terms as a way to play up this wild fantasy they have in their mind until there is a bump in the road at which time they fall out of love.
I was talking to a friend about how we love certain people in our lives and he told that people fall in and out of love all of the time and at the drop of a hat. I began to tell him that I don’t believe in falling in love. And I don’t. I definitely believe in love but the act of falling in love is negligent to say the least. My friend knew prior to that conversation that I don’t believe in falling in love; however I don’t think he knew what I meant. I began to tell him about how I feel about the guy I am in love with.

I didn’t fall in love with [him]. I grew to love [him]. Falling in love implies a sudden action; this didn’t happen overnight.

Being in love is not about good times and hot sex. As funny as it may seem though you can have both while in love they predicate the extent of one’s love. Sometimes life is hard and draining in those times people who fall in love have already have fallen out of love.

697132503_2408fa59c2I have an associate who has gone through several terrible that have lead her to despair, heartbreak, and ultimately low self esteem. I have watched as she’s allowed herself to “fall” in and out of love, damaging their views on life, men, and themselves with each relationship or lack thereof. Now I’m not debating whether or not she was in love but her urgency with each of these relationship caused her to look through rose colored glass cover until she realized they are not anything like who she imagined. She too eagerly entered these relationships that were set up to deplete her.

The way I see falling in love is not for those who invest in others. Falling in love is not for those who would take one’s time. When you fall into anything you it implies being irrational and weak. People who fall in love find themselves realizing one major thing: When life gets hard the person I fell in love with was not around. I’m not saying that is some causes people who fall in love can’t have sustainable relationships but I quote the movie He’s Just Not That Into You, “They are the exception.”

Love at first sight? The statement is comical at best. Love is like oatmeal, it gets you through. You look at someone and know that you love them. You just can’t. You can look at someone and have an opinion on who you think they are and possibly who they may become to your life but you cannot look at someone and say “My I love them.” The reason being is you don’t know them. How many people have you met only to regret the day that you met them. How many people have you met and genuinely wish you have given them a chance instead of written them off. I have not been in love many times but in the times when I have, I think back to days when I first met them and I didn’t think love… Some thoughts about them crossed my mind but none of them were pertaining to love.

It’s important for everyone to be realistic and see that it’s not as romantic as one may think it is to “fall in love” or to being in love at the first sight of someone. Ultimately it could be rough. In many cases people fall in love and try to make things and situation comfortable when they were never meant to be. I urge all that are in love, have falling in love, or love at the sight of someone to look deep within yourself and the relationship to see what it really going on.

Do what you feel in your heart to be right- for you’ll be criticized anyway. You’ll be damned if you do, and damned if you don’t. -Eleanor Roosevelt

Open heartedly enjoying Without Love by Stacie Orrico and I Decided by Solange still with a clear conscience.