Tuesday, November 8, 2016. The night my sleep was elusive. Why? Because I could feel the hope draining from my life. It was about 4 or 5 O’ Clock in the evening (EST) on the 8th, I was listening to live coverage on CNN. Before any of the results were in, they were talking about exit polls and the expectancy of that night’s winner, Hillary Clinton. While conversing, someone on the panel mentioned the concept of the “hidden vote.” Hidden vote? People who would come out in support of Drumpf¹ who had publicly pledged support to Clinton. They discussed how there had never been any real proof to a “hidden vote.”

And like a ton of bricks it hit me. Drumpf is going to win tonight. What made me think that? White people hate being called racist. But they love to do racist things. In essence its the belief that, “I agree with the things that Donald Drumpf is saying but I know that people will think I’m a bad person for that. So I won’t tell anyone that I agree because I don’t want to be called a racist.”

I go home and try to get through my night. I have never checked election results so much. It was terrible. Just as I suspected the tables were turning towards Drumpf. I tried to take my mind off the elections that were tormenting me. I tried to watch funny shows and movies. Nothing. I checked the results one last time. Ugh! Go to sleep and hope for the best. I slept a terrible feather light sleep that night.

It is Wednesday. Awaken by my Husband’s exit on his way to work. I check the results. Drumpf. It was like a punch to the gut. Though my normal waking hour is hours away, I can’t go back to sleep. I write a new Facebook status, ” Hug Someone. Someone Hug me.” I get a call from my husband. “How are you feeling?” he says. While crying painful tears I respond, ” I feel personally attacked.” Validating my feelings he says ” because it is a personal attack.”

Gather myself together. I get on the commuter train, then to the metro rail. Looking at every person with disdain in my heart thinking, “Was it you? Its your fault.” Get to work to see a few people avoiding eye contact, which to me was an admission of guilt. That day EVERYTHING meant something. I was hurting. The visions for my future seemed further away. What was most hurtful was the hostility that I felt for the people who I felt “did this to me.” I didn’t like that feeling. I don’t like that feeling.

As we have drew nearer and nearer to this day. The day before the inauguration of Donald J. Drumpf. I am overly unhappy with the turn of events. Enter ABC’s Blackish. They put together the most amazing episode about the aftermath of the Drumpf election. It helped to voice my feelings and smooth the wrinkles in my heart that made me think everything would not be okay overall.

Some 8 years ago I sat down to the write My Life through the Eyes I was Given with great wisdom and hope for the life and the Presidency to come. While the current President and Administration has not been perfect, there has been great progress. The world is different now. That is virtually undeniable. More now than ever we have to be and make the change we want to see. I am more hopeful than I have ever been since November 8th. I stand firm on my convictions after 44 and until 46, the only president I acknowledge is President Tom Kirkman on Designated Survivor, because Drumpf is not my President.  

Thank you President Obama, First Lady Michelle Obama, Vice President Joe Biden, Mrs. Jill Biden, and both of your families, you all were better than we deserved.

I’m bare with reflection because… My President is Black  by Jeezy and Jayz.

 

¹ Drumpf is the surname of Donald Trump’s family. The name was changed by his grandfather to better assimilate to the United States. You can see John Oliver speak of Donald’s long lost surname here.

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On January 20, 2009, as I slowly awake to get ready to go to work, I didn’t feel any sort of way. As I moved about my house I heard the TV commotion, not that of the morning news, or sponge bob square pants, not even music instruments, or television pastors. The commotion I heard was that of the inaugural procession. The commentators watching as our new president, family, and staff took their places in this country… As I watched as out president and president-elect entered a car together, my mind began to think on the topics of discussion in that car, not only that car but every car that carried every outgoing and incoming representative or person. What wisdoms, tricks, or encouragements that may have been exchanged or conveyed.

Until this day I did not have a particular fondness for President Bush. But as the procession was commencing I wondered what he could be telling President Obama. One who all to well knows that with the right amount of disaster and hardship, public opinion can diminish how the everyone will perceive you. Though he may had done many things wrong, with the advisement of his counsel, he was none the less our President in very hard times. I thought on all the wisdoms First Lady Bush was telling or has told First Lady Obama. A lot more than recipes and decorating tips. I thought on how First Lady Bush had to be telling First Lady Obama, “This time is not going to be easy on you or your family and especially not on your husband.” Telling her that “The best and worse of times are ahead.” That “there will be times that you may wish that your husband never ran for this office.” And the “life as you once knew it is no more.”

As millions on look to see what is the first African-American President take his oath, I start to think on all the people that are now pushing themselves to believe in themselves and others just a little bit more. As an Black-American woman, I have been disappointed with decisions made and opportunities lost. Disappointed in others inability to see my life, heritage, and personal struggle’s importance. And as I looked at all the people that had come from all over the world to witness this historic moment I was proud, because it wasn’t the Blacks that got him there, nor the Latinos, nor the Asians, nor the whites. But it was the belief that things needed to change and this man, with God’s help, was the one for the job.

As I sat in the break room at my job before my shift started, I listened to what I feel must have been the most needed and most powerful prayer ever prayed. Pastor Rick Warren prayed for the country, our president and his family in a way that most may not have believed but was much needed. He prayed a prayer over our president that reminded us and him that he is not only accountable to us in service but to God in life. I was amazed and touched by that prayer so much so that I want to go to his church to personally tell him.

As I think on the many expectations we as people have for others. I think about all the expectations that have been placed on out new President. In the business that I am in, I know that many Americans believe that our President has a magic button that will fix all the issues that we are facing. I want people to understand that it will take help from the American people in large and small ways to resurface… we will need to help him help us.

I am amazed, shocked, impressed, and overjoyed to see that our nation came together in such a great way to election someone who looks like me. I think back to a summer conversation that I had with dunsun. Month and exact date is escaping me. But I do recall telling him that though I hadn’t been born in the times of segregation, lunch counter sit-ins, busing inner city kids to majority neighborhood, I would be shocked that in the world that I live, that they would elect an “Black” man to lead this country. I live in a smallish town in Los Angeles County. The city in which I live majority of the residents are white and republican. The day after the election the leading story was not that of the historic land slide win of President -Elect Obama but that of city or state nonsense. The day following the inauguration leading story did include the historic passing of the torch, but the thought to myself is outside of the few, in this city or valley, that voted for him how many others were buying that paper because of this historic moment or did they lose money with this edition. But As I wrote this I looked into the images that surround this historic and monumental event. So the LA Daily news has an inaugural collector’s package for $10… And for $10 I will be able to share the most memorable thing in my life with my children, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, cousins, and any child that would like to see what God allow me to live to see. Along with a book that I picked up at Barnes & Noble.

So know I want to know how it feels to be a Black man in America, now?

And while I’m taking in all of this excitement,   I’m super sipping on A dream- the track in my head with still damaged natural nails