Tuesday, November 8, 2016. The night my sleep was elusive. Why? Because I could feel the hope draining from my life. It was about 4 or 5 O’ Clock in the evening (EST) on the 8th, I was listening to live coverage on CNN. Before any of the results were in, they were talking about exit polls and the expectancy of that night’s winner, Hillary Clinton. While conversing, someone on the panel mentioned the concept of the “hidden vote.” Hidden vote? People who would come out in support of Drumpf¹ who had publicly pledged support to Clinton. They discussed how there had never been any real proof to a “hidden vote.”

And like a ton of bricks it hit me. Drumpf is going to win tonight. What made me think that? White people hate being called racist. But they love to do racist things. In essence its the belief that, “I agree with the things that Donald Drumpf is saying but I know that people will think I’m a bad person for that. So I won’t tell anyone that I agree because I don’t want to be called a racist.”

I go home and try to get through my night. I have never checked election results so much. It was terrible. Just as I suspected the tables were turning towards Drumpf. I tried to take my mind off the elections that were tormenting me. I tried to watch funny shows and movies. Nothing. I checked the results one last time. Ugh! Go to sleep and hope for the best. I slept a terrible feather light sleep that night.

It is Wednesday. Awaken by my Husband’s exit on his way to work. I check the results. Drumpf. It was like a punch to the gut. Though my normal waking hour is hours away, I can’t go back to sleep. I write a new Facebook status, ” Hug Someone. Someone Hug me.” I get a call from my husband. “How are you feeling?” he says. While crying painful tears I respond, ” I feel personally attacked.” Validating my feelings he says ” because it is a personal attack.”

Gather myself together. I get on the commuter train, then to the metro rail. Looking at every person with disdain in my heart thinking, “Was it you? Its your fault.” Get to work to see a few people avoiding eye contact, which to me was an admission of guilt. That day EVERYTHING meant something. I was hurting. The visions for my future seemed further away. What was most hurtful was the hostility that I felt for the people who I felt “did this to me.” I didn’t like that feeling. I don’t like that feeling.

As we have drew nearer and nearer to this day. The day before the inauguration of Donald J. Drumpf. I am overly unhappy with the turn of events. Enter ABC’s Blackish. They put together the most amazing episode about the aftermath of the Drumpf election. It helped to voice my feelings and smooth the wrinkles in my heart that made me think everything would not be okay overall.

Some 8 years ago I sat down to the write My Life through the Eyes I was Given with great wisdom and hope for the life and the Presidency to come. While the current President and Administration has not been perfect, there has been great progress. The world is different now. That is virtually undeniable. More now than ever we have to be and make the change we want to see. I am more hopeful than I have ever been since November 8th. I stand firm on my convictions after 44 and until 46, the only president I acknowledge is President Tom Kirkman on Designated Survivor, because Drumpf is not my President.  

Thank you President Obama, First Lady Michelle Obama, Vice President Joe Biden, Mrs. Jill Biden, and both of your families, you all were better than we deserved.

I’m bare with reflection because… My President is Black  by Jeezy and Jayz.

 

¹ Drumpf is the surname of Donald Trump’s family. The name was changed by his grandfather to better assimilate to the United States. You can see John Oliver speak of Donald’s long lost surname here.

So recently I have been going through a really rough time. It’s amazing how one event can change your life status. I am hurting not beyond repair but definately beyond belief. I am not going into detail about the circumstances about why I feel this way and I appreciate in advance for you not contacting me to ask me what is wrong.

Normally I don’t have a need to explain my title but tonight I will. I generally can take something benefical from anything. In this case it is Danity Kane’s Damaged. Ever since I heard the song I always felt as though it was a communication with God. Now I just want to say I do not think that this song is a gospel song.  I just did I just see it this way. As weird as you make think it is I just got that.  The part that really made me feel this way says “Can you fix my  h-e-a-r-t Cause it’s d-a-m-a-g-e-d Tell me are you up for the challenge… My heart is damaged damaged damaged.” I just always thought that. And now that I feel that my heart and prespective of the world are damaged those words speak to me.

Certain places are supposed to be solace and not battlegrounds but in life the tides often turn. I just don’t think anyone can understand how I feel about the events of the recent past. I normally am not emotional person. I will tell anyone that I have emotions but I am not emotional. Today I have been feel very emotional and conflicted. Through life we hold certain titles and I have picked up one that I never thought I would.

Physically my heart hurts. I probably could use a hug but I need to reject them right now. I can’t explain, that is how I feel right now. I know that if I needed an ear someone would lend theirs but right now I can’t have outside influence or opinion.

However since this situation I have decided not to settle. Period. I can’t. I want only what is for me and I will have that. I have plans and goals. This will not stop me.I know that I can’t not take a break from life. There are more important things than me in this moment right now. This will not be the death of me or my spirit. I believe in the “grace that restores visions and dreams/ grace that releases mircles.” I’M A SURVIVOR I WIN! Thank you. You know who you are I needed that. I know it maybe a little bothersome not to know the situation, but I hold good on my promises and I said I would let you in and I will.

Painfully yet optmistically drinking in Byron Cage’s I need you now while damaged and bare.

My mother used to tell me, “Don’t say what wouldn’t do because you never know what you will do when you’re in certain situations.”  For some parts of my life my mother’s statement is true, but there are somethings that I know how I would handle certain situations. Today I am just going to keep it easy, kind of like an update on what I think about life.

On Tuesday June 2, 2009 a boy from my church drowned in the pool at his house. He had been riding his bike and fell into the pool. When his cousin found him, he was unconscious and his mother tried to resuscitate him.  Due to the nature of the situation the ambulance arrived and took him to the nearest hospital where they were able to revive him. The boy was 4. All everyone could think of was how soon it had happened and that just the Sunday prior we had seen him.

Fast forward to today when you see both his parents in service, not as spectators but at their posts. They pushed through all of their hurt and pain not only to attend church but to maintain their regular duties in service. His mother is on the praise dance team and she danced this morning, as I spoke to one of the other dance team members he told me that they always dance no matter what. He told me that the coordinator said it’s the best way to release. I thought about how sometimes you have to continue your regular commitments in times of anguish and pain just to maintain. And with the support of their family and church family they seemingly made it through a very hard day.

As my sister and I were driving in the car I said to her, “they don’t know who they touched by just being at service today not to mention participating.” It took my mind back to watching an episode of Run’s House when his wife delivered her third child only to have her third child die soon after. I was amazed by their strength and the will to press forward despite an undisputedly hard time. The strength in both families has touched me in so many ways. I thought about how the things I once counted as trials are really not, they merely speed bumps. The difference a trial is something that is long and drawn out and intense; a speed bump slows you on your way to somewhere else.

I thought about a conversation I had with a friend of mine about what I want in a person in my life and I don’t recall if I said anything about strength, but after the events of this week I have seen a side of strength that I cannot life without. I say this because sometimes life brings you trials and obstacles and if someone in your life cannot have to strength to build you up when you are broken down it makes for a useless friendship, relationship, or partnership. I saw the support that came from within and it amazed me in their times of sorrow. What I saw is not taught, it is cultivated. This has shown me that undoubtedly bad things will happened but it is important how you rebound because it shows what is truly inside of you.

Retrospectively drinking in Byron Cage’s I need you now with gold dazzle.