Sunday night, I cried some of the hardest most painful tears I’ve ever cried. I found out that one of the closest friends that I have died. And not just that she died but that she’s been dead for little over a month. The only word that describes how I feel right now is devastated. Defination. Devastate: to cause (someone) severe and overwhelming shock or grief. It just fits so right. I. Am. Devastated.

This isn’t the first time that I have spent crying lately. Last month my parents and youngest sister came to visit. If you didn’t know my parents live in California and I live in Maryland. I have lived here for 5 years. I have been married for 3. And the truth is while I have a good life here, probably better than I could have at home, I miss my family every single day. Holidays that were considered small mean so much when you’re away from the people you want to be with. Mother’s day, Father’s day, and all of the Kobe dates, I long for my family and I get emotional. As I dropped off my family at the airport I burst in to tears, hugging them while sobbing out “I just miss you guys so much. ” For the days following I would randomly burst into tears just thinking about how they are so far away.

Once in conversation with my husband, I told him that I always have an underlying feeling of sadness because I miss my family. I always feel bad. Last year our family have some ups and downs. My baby sister went to prom and graduation, on both of those days I felt terrible that I couldn’t be there. When there was good news, I was so happy but also filled with sadness that I’m so far away that I can’t experience this first hand. When there was bad news, I was sad about the situation but guilty that I can’t be there to provide comfort. Good times or bad, I feel guilty not because of anything anyone in my family says or does, I just want them to I didn’t leave just to get away from them. A while there was a disagreement within a friend group of mine and things got very heated. If I’m honest part of my anger was because I feel judged by people who live close to their family. I feel like other people think that if you choose to move away from your family, voluntarily, then that means your family is not that important to you. And for me that’s not the case. So I while I don’t think these things about people, I feel like I’m fighting that “stigma” that no one has really put on me.

I know that there are lots of people who do not live near their families, but it feels like I’m the only one that feels so strongly about being away for their family. Maybe I’m not but no one, at least anyone I know or know of, talks about it. I think about it all of the time. So when I met a girl who’s from New York how moves to Baltimore, I just knew she got it. Even though we never spoke about it. This is might to sound weird or odd or whatever, but Janessa was the only friend that I have that was not connected in any way to my husband. I know to some that sounds crazy but it is true. Some of my friends are friends of his or their significant others. The other friends, I have are from work and even if I met them first, because my husband and I work for the same company, in the same department, and on the same floor, my coworker friends go from mine to ours. I am really odd when it comes to making friends. It makes me nervous and I always think that I’m bothering people. But I met Janessa when we worked at Macy’s and we were instant friends. And when I find a good friend, I stay close. But when the communication is slow or nonexistent, I often think that someone is either tired of me or mad at me.

About a week ago I texted Janessa asking what she was doing for her birthday, it was kind of last minute because normally the plan would have already been set. The next day I realized that I hadn’t got a response back from her which is not uncommon for us, we’re self proclaimed “shitty texters”. So I send her the lurky emoji eyes. No response for days. Is she mad at me? I told you were my mind goes. I check snap, she is always on snap, but since the update I can’t remember if I’ve seen her on there; I hadn’t. I haven’t seen anything posted on Facebook in a little while. So I check Facebook. Immediately I see a post from someone saying they miss her and they can’t believe it’s been a month already. Did she move? I know she moved apartments but she didn’t move to New York without telling me? I know we weren’t that out of touch. More messages. ” I can’t believe you’re really gone.” WHAT? *keeps scrolling* What happened!?!?!?! *keeps scrolling* My hands are literally shaking. What Happened!?!?! Then I see the memorial post. The services were held on February 17, 2018 in New York. And I just found out.

I feel guilty. How did one of my closest friends die and I not know for a month? Where you guys even that close? If you were, you would have known.  That is what has been running around in my head. It makes me cry. I am devastated. We were close and the fact that I found out so late is not a sign of a broken relationship. And I know it. Since we generally would only spend one on one time and had only met a few coworkers or family members, there wasn’t anyone who would have known to reach out to me. And it doesn’t matter  if I had spoken to her the day, week, or month before, everything would have likely turn out the same. Outside of the lack of snaps, we weren’t out of touch for us. The fact that I recently found out has been playing with my mind, not just because of this but how I relate to friendships in general. I know she was my friend, one of my best. She went with me to my wedding dress fittings, helped me with my wedding registry, and when I lived in Cockeysville and her in Towson she’d stay over all the time. I put her on to Ikea. Tuesday night movies for $6 in Towson. We went to see Girls Trip and while talking about how some people don’t go out without their partners, she told me she used me as an example. Essentially saying that as long as we, Janessa and I, had been together as friends I was with my husband and that he, my husband, had no intentions of coming with us to see Girls Trip or breaking us, Janessa and I, up. I laughed but it was so true.

Emotions aside I know what we were to each other. Regardless of what swirls through my head. Did she know I loved her? Did she know how important she was to me? Yes. Without a doubt I know she knew. Though I can’t recall ever saying those words, I know she knew. I send her a text last year and it read

So I’m watching Basketball Wives, seeing Evelyn call Shaunie to give her that IVF shot she needed… and it made me think about how if I needed that kind of help that I feel like I could call you… and that means a lot to me… I really appreciate our friendship not to be too mushy I’m glad that where my friends are concerned I have quality over quantity.

 And she responded
Aww… I would totally come do it for you!!! I appreciate our friendship as well… Love you girl!!!
I know it was real. I want for this to not be real. I miss her soooo much. We always think about how we plan out our lives with our significant others or potential significant others but we plan our future lives with our friends too. We talk about future birthdays, a houses, baby showers, etc. To lose a friend, I don’t wish it on anyone. It hurts too much.
If I’m honest, I have no idea if this is any good. I’m in so much pain. But Today is Janessa’s birthday and I knew I need this to be up today. For her. I love you. I miss you. This is shitty.

 

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Attitude- Leikeli47

-Imagoodgrl

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Tuesday, November 8, 2016. The night my sleep was elusive. Why? Because I could feel the hope draining from my life. It was about 4 or 5 O’ Clock in the evening (EST) on the 8th, I was listening to live coverage on CNN. Before any of the results were in, they were talking about exit polls and the expectancy of that night’s winner, Hillary Clinton. While conversing, someone on the panel mentioned the concept of the “hidden vote.” Hidden vote? People who would come out in support of Drumpf¹ who had publicly pledged support to Clinton. They discussed how there had never been any real proof to a “hidden vote.”

And like a ton of bricks it hit me. Drumpf is going to win tonight. What made me think that? White people hate being called racist. But they love to do racist things. In essence its the belief that, “I agree with the things that Donald Drumpf is saying but I know that people will think I’m a bad person for that. So I won’t tell anyone that I agree because I don’t want to be called a racist.”

I go home and try to get through my night. I have never checked election results so much. It was terrible. Just as I suspected the tables were turning towards Drumpf. I tried to take my mind off the elections that were tormenting me. I tried to watch funny shows and movies. Nothing. I checked the results one last time. Ugh! Go to sleep and hope for the best. I slept a terrible feather light sleep that night.

It is Wednesday. Awaken by my Husband’s exit on his way to work. I check the results. Drumpf. It was like a punch to the gut. Though my normal waking hour is hours away, I can’t go back to sleep. I write a new Facebook status, ” Hug Someone. Someone Hug me.” I get a call from my husband. “How are you feeling?” he says. While crying painful tears I respond, ” I feel personally attacked.” Validating my feelings he says ” because it is a personal attack.”

Gather myself together. I get on the commuter train, then to the metro rail. Looking at every person with disdain in my heart thinking, “Was it you? Its your fault.” Get to work to see a few people avoiding eye contact, which to me was an admission of guilt. That day EVERYTHING meant something. I was hurting. The visions for my future seemed further away. What was most hurtful was the hostility that I felt for the people who I felt “did this to me.” I didn’t like that feeling. I don’t like that feeling.

As we have drew nearer and nearer to this day. The day before the inauguration of Donald J. Drumpf. I am overly unhappy with the turn of events. Enter ABC’s Blackish. They put together the most amazing episode about the aftermath of the Drumpf election. It helped to voice my feelings and smooth the wrinkles in my heart that made me think everything would not be okay overall.

Some 8 years ago I sat down to the write My Life through the Eyes I was Given with great wisdom and hope for the life and the Presidency to come. While the current President and Administration has not been perfect, there has been great progress. The world is different now. That is virtually undeniable. More now than ever we have to be and make the change we want to see. I am more hopeful than I have ever been since November 8th. I stand firm on my convictions after 44 and until 46, the only president I acknowledge is President Tom Kirkman on Designated Survivor, because Drumpf is not my President.  

Thank you President Obama, First Lady Michelle Obama, Vice President Joe Biden, Mrs. Jill Biden, and both of your families, you all were better than we deserved.

I’m bare with reflection because… My President is Black  by Jeezy and Jayz.

 

¹ Drumpf is the surname of Donald Trump’s family. The name was changed by his grandfather to better assimilate to the United States. You can see John Oliver speak of Donald’s long lost surname here.

So recently I have been going through a really rough time. It’s amazing how one event can change your life status. I am hurting not beyond repair but definately beyond belief. I am not going into detail about the circumstances about why I feel this way and I appreciate in advance for you not contacting me to ask me what is wrong.

Normally I don’t have a need to explain my title but tonight I will. I generally can take something benefical from anything. In this case it is Danity Kane’s Damaged. Ever since I heard the song I always felt as though it was a communication with God. Now I just want to say I do not think that this song is a gospel song.  I just did I just see it this way. As weird as you make think it is I just got that.  The part that really made me feel this way says “Can you fix my  h-e-a-r-t Cause it’s d-a-m-a-g-e-d Tell me are you up for the challenge… My heart is damaged damaged damaged.” I just always thought that. And now that I feel that my heart and prespective of the world are damaged those words speak to me.

Certain places are supposed to be solace and not battlegrounds but in life the tides often turn. I just don’t think anyone can understand how I feel about the events of the recent past. I normally am not emotional person. I will tell anyone that I have emotions but I am not emotional. Today I have been feel very emotional and conflicted. Through life we hold certain titles and I have picked up one that I never thought I would.

Physically my heart hurts. I probably could use a hug but I need to reject them right now. I can’t explain, that is how I feel right now. I know that if I needed an ear someone would lend theirs but right now I can’t have outside influence or opinion.

However since this situation I have decided not to settle. Period. I can’t. I want only what is for me and I will have that. I have plans and goals. This will not stop me.I know that I can’t not take a break from life. There are more important things than me in this moment right now. This will not be the death of me or my spirit. I believe in the “grace that restores visions and dreams/ grace that releases mircles.” I’M A SURVIVOR I WIN! Thank you. You know who you are I needed that. I know it maybe a little bothersome not to know the situation, but I hold good on my promises and I said I would let you in and I will.

Painfully yet optmistically drinking in Byron Cage’s I need you now while damaged and bare.

My mother used to tell me, “Don’t say what wouldn’t do because you never know what you will do when you’re in certain situations.”  For some parts of my life my mother’s statement is true, but there are somethings that I know how I would handle certain situations. Today I am just going to keep it easy, kind of like an update on what I think about life.

On Tuesday June 2, 2009 a boy from my church drowned in the pool at his house. He had been riding his bike and fell into the pool. When his cousin found him, he was unconscious and his mother tried to resuscitate him.  Due to the nature of the situation the ambulance arrived and took him to the nearest hospital where they were able to revive him. The boy was 4. All everyone could think of was how soon it had happened and that just the Sunday prior we had seen him.

Fast forward to today when you see both his parents in service, not as spectators but at their posts. They pushed through all of their hurt and pain not only to attend church but to maintain their regular duties in service. His mother is on the praise dance team and she danced this morning, as I spoke to one of the other dance team members he told me that they always dance no matter what. He told me that the coordinator said it’s the best way to release. I thought about how sometimes you have to continue your regular commitments in times of anguish and pain just to maintain. And with the support of their family and church family they seemingly made it through a very hard day.

As my sister and I were driving in the car I said to her, “they don’t know who they touched by just being at service today not to mention participating.” It took my mind back to watching an episode of Run’s House when his wife delivered her third child only to have her third child die soon after. I was amazed by their strength and the will to press forward despite an undisputedly hard time. The strength in both families has touched me in so many ways. I thought about how the things I once counted as trials are really not, they merely speed bumps. The difference a trial is something that is long and drawn out and intense; a speed bump slows you on your way to somewhere else.

I thought about a conversation I had with a friend of mine about what I want in a person in my life and I don’t recall if I said anything about strength, but after the events of this week I have seen a side of strength that I cannot life without. I say this because sometimes life brings you trials and obstacles and if someone in your life cannot have to strength to build you up when you are broken down it makes for a useless friendship, relationship, or partnership. I saw the support that came from within and it amazed me in their times of sorrow. What I saw is not taught, it is cultivated. This has shown me that undoubtedly bad things will happened but it is important how you rebound because it shows what is truly inside of you.

Retrospectively drinking in Byron Cage’s I need you now with gold dazzle.