All That I Can Say

About four weeks, but not quite a month, ago life was coming at me fast then it was moving kind of slow. At this same time almost a month ago, I was in a hospital bed going on 24hrs awaiting the arrival of my overdue baby boy. The day before we went walking. Robert was determined to “walk Aaron down.” So I was going along for the walk. Once the walk was over, I received a call from the sonogram specialist to set up an appointment. Since baby boy was already 6 days overdue, they had us, me, come in pretty much right away.

We arrive at the facility, I sit through about an hour of baby heart monitoring. Then on to the sonogram, the technician shows us they different baby organs and parts. She finishes and says “I’m going to get the doctor to come talk to you.” I knew that something wasn’t quite right. It wasn’t necessarily alarming but if they need to get someone to tell you something, everything is not as it should be. Doctor comes in, he looks at everything. “So as you get closer to your due date the amniotic fluid around the baby decreases. When you are overdue we take a look to make sure there is enough fluid for the baby. What we are seeing is that there isn’t enough fluid to allow the baby to come on his own. So… he has to come now.” And just like that next stop… the hospital. Well not quite. My next stop was Chipotle. With my limited experience and knowledge of the child birthing process, I knew I wasn’t going to be able to eat once we got to the hospital until after baby arrived. So, with a little protest from Robert, to Chipotle we went.

Get Admitted. Get checked. 1 centimeter (cm). What does that mean? It means we had a long way to go. Under better circumstances, I would never have been admitted at 1 cm. So around this time almost a month ago, I had been given a medicine then a balloon catheter to help me dilate and some medicine that made me loopy to deal with the pain of the balloon catheter, all for me to be 4-ish cm. In a couple of hours they would put me on pitocin to start my contractions. And a few hours later than that they would break my water then give me an epidural.

I was in the hospital for over 48hrs trying to wait on my baby boy to arrive when Kara, quite literally a God send of a nurse, comes in to tell me the single piece of news I had wanted to avoid since before getting pregnant. Kara tells me that we’re most likely going to have a C- Section. So if you didn’t know this previously I had planned for a water birth but with the induction we had moved to planning for a vaginal hospital birth. But now because I have only reached 6 cm after having my water broke almost a full 24hrs and baby’s heart rate was stable but not ideal we are at c-section station. I am quite literally wrecked. I try to call my mom and can’t get a hold of her, because cell service at her job sucks. This is hard. I am laboring, slowly, and now I have to have a major surgery that I wanted to avoid. All I wanted was my mother. I finally get her on the phone, tell her what I was told. My mom tells me to have them do it as soon as possible, she prays with me. Kara comes in and she gives me a gladiator level pep talk. I’m still a wreck. I try to calm down enough so that we can just get through it. My in laws are at the hospital and another prayer is prayed. Here we go.

What can I say, it was surgery. It started and it ended. Baby Aaron is here. Which I have not lost sight of as the most important thing. He arrived safely. But even now close to a month later, the thought of the surgery makes cry or want to cry. And truthfully I’m not really sure why. When I had my one week check up, I spoke to the midwife about it and she recommended this article called “A Love Letter to C-Section Moms.” I read through half of it and was like “umm this doesn’t really speak to how I feel.”  There most definitely is physical but  more than anything else is emotional pain. The blog post talked about how those of us who had C-Sections didn’t do it for vanity or convenience, we had to in order to get our babies here. I could relate to the reason why the procedure was needed but quite honestly I don’t give a damn what or why someone else did it. There is nothing “easy” about having a MAJOR surgery to bring a child into the world that you then have to take care of IMMEDIATELY. So if someone chose to do that to avoid whatever you wanted to avoid, that business is your own. Time passed and I read it through in its entirety and then I feel “seen.” As I got further into the post there were words that jumped out and spoke to me,

Not everything in life goes according to plan.

One of my friends told me that her c-section was the best and worst experience of her life. And that’s exactly it for me… and the worst because it was frightening and not the way I wanted to birth.

This experience has been Traumatic. Not just for me, but for Robert and possibly Aaron too. We weren’t even in the recovery room when Robert tells me that if we don’t have any children after Aaron that he would be okay because he didn’t want to see me go through this again. My baby is beautiful. But this trauma is deep. Hopefully one day it will subside or go away.

 

 

Absence makes the heart grow sadder

Sunday night, I cried some of the hardest most painful tears I’ve ever cried. I found out that one of the closest friends that I have died. And not just that she died but that she’s been dead for little over a month. The only word that describes how I feel right now is devastated. Definition. Devastate: to cause (someone) severe and overwhelming shock or grief. It just fits so right. I. Am. Devastated.

This isn’t the first time that I have spent crying lately. Last month my parents and youngest sister came to visit. If you didn’t know my parents live in California and I live in Maryland. I have lived here for 5 years. I have been married for 3. And the truth is while I have a good life here, probably better than I could have at home, I miss my family every single day. Holidays that were considered small mean so much when you’re away from the people you want to be with. Mother’s day, Father’s day, and all of the Kobe dates, I long for my family and I get emotional. As I dropped off my family at the airport I burst in to tears, hugging them while sobbing out “I just miss you guys so much. ” For the days following I would randomly burst into tears just thinking about how they are so far away.

Once in conversation with my husband, I told him that I always have an underlying feeling of sadness because I miss my family. I always feel bad. Last year our family have some ups and downs. My baby sister went to prom and graduation, on both of those days I felt terrible that I couldn’t be there. When there was good news, I was so happy but also filled with sadness that I’m so far away that I can’t experience this first hand. When there was bad news, I was sad about the situation but guilty that I can’t be there to provide comfort. Good times or bad, I feel guilty not because of anything anyone in my family says or does, I just want them to know I didn’t leave just to get away from them. A while back there was a disagreement within a friend group of mine and things got very heated. If I’m honest part of my anger was because I feel judged by people who live close to their family. I feel like other people think that if you choose to move away from your family, voluntarily, then that means your family is not that important to you. And for me that’s not the case. So I while I don’t think these things about other people, I feel like I’m fighting that “stigma” that no one has really put on me.

I know that there are lots of people who do not live near their families, but it feels like I’m the only one that feels so strongly about being away for their family. Maybe I’m not but no one, at least anyone I know or know of, talks about it. I think about it all of the time. So when I met a girl who’s from New York how moves to Baltimore, I just knew she got it. Even though we never spoke about it. This is might to sound weird or odd or whatever, but Janessa was the only friend that I have that was not connected in any way to my husband. I know to some that sounds crazy but it is true. Some of my friends are friends of his or their significant others. The other friends, I have are from work and even if I met them first, because my husband and I work for the same company, in the same department, and on the same floor, my coworker friends go from mine to ours. I am really odd when it comes to making friends. It makes me nervous and I always think that I’m bothering people. But I met Janessa when we worked at Macy’s and we were instant friends. And when I find a good friend, I stay close. But when the communication is slow or nonexistent, I often think that someone is either tired of me or mad at me.

About a week ago I texted Janessa asking what she was doing for her birthday, it was kind of last minute because normally the plan would have already been set. The next day I realized that I hadn’t got a response back from her which is not uncommon for us, we’re self proclaimed “shitty texters”. So I send her the lurky emoji eyes. No response for days. Is she mad at me? I told you were my mind goes. I check snap, she is always on snap, but since the update I can’t remember if I’ve seen her on there; I hadn’t. I haven’t seen anything posted on Facebook in a little while. So I check Facebook. Immediately I see a post from someone saying they miss her and they can’t believe it’s been a month already. Did she move? I know she moved apartments but she didn’t move to New York without telling me? I know we weren’t that out of touch. More messages. ” I can’t believe you’re really gone.” WHAT? *keeps scrolling* What happened!?!?!?! *keeps scrolling* My hands are literally shaking. What Happened!?!?! Then I see the memorial post. The services were held on February 17, 2018 in New York. And I just found out?!?!

I feel guilty. How did one of my closest friends die and I not know for a month? Where you guys even that close? If you were, you would have known. That is what has been running around in my head. It makes me cry. I am devastated. We were close and the fact that I found out so late is not a sign of a broken relationship. And I know it. Since we generally would only spend one on one time and had only met a few coworkers or family members, there wasn’t anyone who would have known to reach out to me. And it doesn’t matter if I had spoken to her the day, week, or month before, everything would have likely turn out the same. Outside of the lack of snaps, we weren’t out of touch for us. The fact that I recently found out has been playing with my mind, not just because of this but how I relate to friendships in general. I know she was my friend, one of my best. She went with me to my wedding dress fittings, helped me with my wedding registry, and when I lived in Cockeysville and her in Towson she’d stay over all the time. I put her on to Ikea. Tuesday night movies for $6 in Towson. We went to see Girls Trip and while talking about how some people don’t go out without their partners, she told me she used me as an example. Essentially saying that as long as we, Janessa and I, had been together as friends I was with my husband and that he, my husband, had no intentions of coming with us to see Girls Trip or breaking us, Janessa and I, up. I laughed but it was so true.

Emotions aside I know what we were to each other. Regardless of what swirls through my head. Did she know I loved her? Did she know how important she was to me? Yes. Without a doubt I know she knew. Though I can’t recall ever saying those words, I know she knew. I send her a text last year and it read

So I’m watching Basketball Wives, seeing Evelyn call Shaunie to give her that IVF shot she needed… and it made me think about how if I needed that kind of help that I feel like I could call you… and that means a lot to me… I really appreciate our friendship not to be too mushy I’m glad that where my friends are concerned I have quality over quantity.

 And she responded

Aww… I would totally come do it for you!!! I appreciate our friendship as well… Love you girl!!!

I know it was real. I want for this to not be real. I miss her soooo much. We always think about how we plan out our lives with our significant others or potential significant others but we plan our future lives with our friends too. We talk about future birthdays, a houses, baby showers, etc. To lose a friend, I don’t wish it on anyone. It hurts too much.

If I’m honest, I have no idea if this is any good. I’m in so much pain. But Today is Janessa’s birthday and I knew I need this to be up today. For her. I love you. I miss you. This is shitty.

 

Attitude- Leikeli47

-Imagoodgrl

 

Give Me A Sign

Ever feel like if you could just explain, the misunderstanding would be cleared up? What about feeling that way and not getting the opportunity? Frustrating right? That was me just a couple of hours ago.

So lately I have been having an internal battle with the status of a relationship. There was supposed to be resolution but I feel like there really hasn’t been. And it has been bothering me. My mind paces back and forth about how I did the wrong thing or how I am making this bigger than it really is. Am I the only one that feels this way? Am I feeling this way because I’m guilty?

Over the past few weeks, I have been talking to a friend who I feel understands how I feel. Have you ever gotten a hug via text that didn’t require emojiis? I have. And it was perfect. My friend let me know that I am a good person, worthwhile, and anyone would be lucky to have me in their corner. She told me to allow the distance and see what happens. She told me its not only my job to make sure the relationship works. I went on to tell her how hard it is to see something that I want to flourish potentially die.

Then BAM! I thought about what happened earlier today. A coworker came in looking like they’d had a rough night. And they had. They were on the ropes at work and their relationship with their significant other was slipping away. What did I tell them about their relationship? They were better without it. I told them that I knew it would hurt but based on all the things they had told me, even if their S.O. had other really good qualities, this relationship is a drain on them. I told them that it would be hard but they’d be better off. Now fast forward several hours in the same day and I am having a hard time grasping that same concept.

After my pep talk from my friend, I log on to Instagram and the first post I see says…

accept it

change it

leave it

3 choices. you decide how important your mental well being is.

I was floored. Are they in my head??? Then the same person posts…

People make time for who they care about.

And just like that, the tears started pouring out of my eyes. These two messages were so directly for me that I couldn’t take it.

Sometimes we need something to push us over the edge. We just need a sign. A sign we can recognize. A sign we can feel. And I got mine, on Instagram of all places.

With that being said, I am a good person. I’m not perfect and I won’t ever be. I don’t expect perfection out of anyone. I am real and straight up. And I expect that out of everyone I allow around me. I will bend over backwards for people but I don’t have to allow myself to be walked on or over. I protect mine. Period. Point blank. But if you can’t see what an asset I am to your life, that’s fine. No hard feelings. Today is the last day I cry about this. I will allow people to show me where we stand. And then I will stand there. It will be what it will be. And I will be ok.

“I am a voice in the world and I deserve to be heard.” – Different World

 

Uncle Jay-z

Has 4:44 given everyone the motivation to get back out there with the pen? I can’t say for sure. My friend told me she wasn’t giving any “free quotes” and that her opinion would be on her blog and that mine should be on mine as well. So… here I am.

Before getting into my “review”, I want to advise I have only listened to the album in its entirety twice. I have listened to tracks 1-7 about 4 or 5 times. I have done a lot of my listening in route to somewhere and by the time I arrive I gotten to track 6 or so. I do what I need to do. Then get back in the car and ultimately start over. I have also only listened to the album in one sitting, once. With few exceptions, listening to this was the only thing I did today. And still I know I didn’t get everything. Having the lyrics to all of the songs would make everything easier but I just haven’t broke down to read them yet. I want to feel 4:44 first.

I, a Proud Tidal Subscriber, was not a part of the anxiously awaiting 4:44 crew. I was definitely a part of the “I will get to it when I get to it” crew. And when did I “get to it”? Around 10am EST. In the urgent care room with my husband, don’t worry he’s fine, nodding along to the greatness. And when something was particularly nice, I would make this sound that my husband described as the sound someone would make when “alcohol is be poured on a cut.”

After seeing lots of people talk about “The Story of OJ” my husband tells me he’s going to listen to the song. “No, listen to it in the way it’s presented. Top to Bottom. It’s the second track on the album,” I say. In a dragging his feet kind of way, he says “okay.” After Lemonade, its been really important for me to listen to an album first from top to bottom. Then when A Seat at the Table came out it reinforced why it is important to listen to an album top to bottom for the first listen. I assume if you are with me here you have heard 4:44 but if not listen to it in speakers not a headset. I literally missed things in my headset that I caught in the speakers of the car. And do not proceed because spoilers. Is there a such thing as music spoilers? I digress.

I enjoyed the album in its entirety. Period. Point Blank. It’s a very mature piece of work. It’s made for a mature mind. Also it was made to plant a seed for the future. Jay-Z has officially turned into Uncle Jay, Unc if you will, with 4:44. He’s giving you advice that if you heed it today, your life will be easier tomorrow. He’s telling you about mistakes that he’s made so you don’t have to make them. If you were looking for a club banger this isn’t your album. And that’s okay. Uncle Jay is almost 50 years old and a lot of people aren’t going to the club at that age, unless they are getting paid. This a grown folks album. For those of us with responsibilities. Its perfect.

I have one major question. WHEN DID HE WRITE THIS?  There is the Moonlight/ LaLa Land reference. Al Sharpton and Bill Cosby references, that was literally last week! When did you write this Uncle Jay?

Uncle Jay is a lyricist, we know this. But come on! Unc, you out did yourself with this one. Just jewels on jewels on jewels.

Favorite songs-

3. The Story of OJ – This is one of the times I thought when did he write this. It seemed topical. My first thoughts, “Is the hook a reference to the Bill Maher controversy?” Black people nowadays don’t make many references to house and field niggas outside of slavery, so it definitely felt like it was. The financial wisdom that he drops. He passed on the opportunity to get property for $2 mil and now that spot is worth $20mil! “Dumbo.” Knowing what to do with what you have and when. He explains the value of Art and Tidal. This is the wisdom.

2. 4:4 – An apology for being ain’t shit???? Not just to his wife but to women he’s hurt in general! Also specifically to his wife! I loved it! Loved it!

1. Family Feud- “And old niggas y’all stop actin’ brand new/ Like 2 Pac didn’t have a nose ring too.” I guess because since he’s been on the internets talking about such things, the first person I thought of was Joe Budden. While I do not know any Lil’ Yachty songs, I actually had to google how to spell his name correctly, I do know that he’s just out here trying to put out music. Like it or not. Uncle Jay saying leave them alone is what’s needed. If he’s the GOAT in so many eyes and he’s saying back down. Back down! Don’t Go Joe Budden. “A man that don’t take care of his family can’t be rich.” Church! “Al Sharpton in the mirror taking selfies/ How is him or Bill Cosby supposed to help me?” Those guys are old think. The times have changed and they don’t get it. Our help can’t come from people like them anymore. They did what they did. Now we do what we do. “We all lose when the family feuds” “I be damned if I drink some Belvedere while Puff got Ciroc.” I was making my sound ALL through this song! I love it! Then Uncle Jay is promoting another Black Business on his album!

Honorable mention- Legacy. Period. Uncle Jay reinforcing why generational wealth is necessary.

Samples. Where all of the songs samples? When something works, you work it. Uncle Jay has worked with many producers who have sampled songs but I felt like the samples this time around were more intentional than by happenstance. Example, “Izzo” off of The Blueprint uses a sample of Jackson Five’s “I want you back” it’s a distant background to the song. But Nina Simone’s “Four Women” was an additional layer to “The Story of OJ.” There was a clear vision and the samples proved that. Nina Simone, Stevie Wonder, The Clark Sisters, The Fugees, and MORE.

Because its 2017, the internet streets are always talking and buzzing. I came across some interesting takes and ideas. One friend asked, “Did [Uncle Jay] take the Grammy from Kendrick?” This same friend said ” 4:44= Lemonade for Men.” While I’m not a man, I disagree a little. Lemonade was about love; of, for, and from your Significant other, your father,  and for you people. 4:44 is a life guide.

Charlamagne the God tweeted, “The reason you don’t have Jay-Z new album is because you don’t support Black Businesses.” I have been a Tidal Subscriber for over a year now. I enjoy the playlist they put together and a lot what I listen to is there. I never thought about it as supporting a Black Business. I did think of it as supporting artists though. Things that make you go hmmm.

I appreciate this album. It is substantive. It was cohesive. And clearly very well thought out. Which is literally not saying anything given who we’re talking about.

-Imagoodgrl

 

Eff you now. Eff you forever, maybe.

So there’s a thing happening on Friday, January 20, 2017 I don’t know if you know but President Obama is sick of our crap and he’s leaving us. While the prior sentence may not be actually true, it sure feels true. The bottom line is Greatness out, ridiculousness is in. Donald Drumpf¹ was elected and he’s about to be y’alls president.

Over the past few months since this fate was decided people have met with the not yet president about stuff and things. This time last week the Original Effie White of Dreamgirls, Jennifer Holliday, was being dragged on the internets for agreeing to perform at an Inauguration celebration or ceremony. After the Internet got to her, she was not only pulling out of the performance but apologizing. In a statement she said she wasn’t aware that this performance would be seen as a political statement. She didn’t know how much it would have hurt her fans, specifically in the LGBTQ community. Okay. Crisis averted?

Until Monday when the rumors start swirling with the next round of people asked. On the list of people asked to participate in the inauguration festivities was my girl Chrisette Michele. My only thought was I hope she’s not doing this. Wednesday comes and it is being confirmed, not by her, that she will be performing.  About two hours before I began writing she released a statement…

“My heart is broken for our country, for the hopes of our children, for the fights of those who came before us.

I cry at the thought that Black History, American History might be in vain.

This country has had great moments. God has shined His light upon us.

Today, I hope that Great Moments begin in peaceful & progressive conversation. I am willing to be a bridge. I don’t mind “These Stones”, if they allow me to be a voice for the voiceless.

I am here.

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. once said, “Our lives begin to end, the day we become silent about what matters,”. I am here, representing you, because this is what matters.” – Chrisette Michele

#NoPoliticalGenius

Anyone who knows me that I am a long time fan of hers. So this saddened me.

While I won’t be meeting with Drumpf in this lifetime or the next, I actually don’t care that people of my communities have a sit down with him. If you have a platform that is on his radar and you feel the need to sit down to discuss whatever you feel the need to discuss, that is fine. My issue specifically has been when various Black celebrities and “leaders” have met with him both pre and post election for everyone to leave the meetings seemingly speaking in riddle and and rhyme. No one says “I met with him and we talked about this specifically and he said this specifically and I have a good or bad feeling that he understands and that this important to him.” No substantive talking points at all? “It was a great meeting. I talked. He talked.” And always little to nothing else. It makes it seem like they were just happy to be in the room. Being in the room is not enough. Tell me what happened in the room. The lack of transparency seems shady. So when people in various communities see this, they may be confused or feel betrayed, especially when they supported your career. By the way, Kanye West and Steve Harvey never spoke for me anyway.

 Again I don’t have an issue with people meeting to speak with Drumpf, I won’t but you can. While I’m on this point, not that meeting a president has ever been an option extended to me but, the reason I will not meet with him is solely because I refused to give him the respect that someone who holds that office deserves. So there’s just that. I believe, maybe naively so, that possibly there could be some good out of a conversation, even if its with him. Oh but where I draw the line is at using you talent for the entertainment of him and his people.

See that full circle, we’re back here just in time for Jennifer Holliday and Chrisette Michele. I find it very hard to believe that with all the statements this man has made about ALL types of people that anyone who did not support him is surprised that a performance during this inaugural season would be well received. I can however believe that Jennifer Holliday may have seen this as an engagement for a President and that people would see it as such. It’s not. And they didn’t. After receiving the backlash, Jennifer Holliday determined it wasn’t worth it and got out of dodge. But not so for Chrisette Michele.

So as a long time fan what struck me most was 1) the delayed response and 2) the alleged reason why. Monday is when the speculation started. Thursday morning is when she confirmed with the statement above. While she did make other posts she said nothing about whether or not she was performing. Before she released her statement, it was being reported that her team trying to keep the performance under wraps for as long as possible especially since Jennifer Holliday received so much backlash. While she has not admitted to this speculation I believe it is true. Why? She had a chance to be forthright and decided against it. She knew that had agreed to perform before anyone else but she waited until it was “leaked” to eventually say something. I can assume that no less than 90% of her fan base is against  Drumpf and his sentiments and she knew that. It doesn’t matter how long you kept this a secret when it did come out your base would not be happy. Lil’ Mo spoke on her radio show about how she reached out to Chrisette and what Chrisette told her, which can be seen here. In the video, Mo talks about  how Chrisette says she’s at peace with decision. If that were true why not say in a very direct statement that you are performing and that you feel like its the best decision for you. Say the check was nice. Say whatever is real and true. Say anything other than a statement that lowkey implies that you are sacrificing yourself for the greater good. How is performing for Drumpf bridging the gap between his base and yours? Outside of your performance how are you giving “voice to the voiceless.” But don’t act as if performing for people who largely don’t know who your are, and don’t appreciate your talent, is being a bridge or the bigger person. It’s not. You are being a pawn. Stand behind your choices. Don’t shy away from it. The statement itself doesn’t make much sense so… you could have kept it. Last but not least, the Bible says in I Corinthians 15:33

Do not be misled: Bad company corrupts good Character.

The bad company is Drumpf, hopefully the good character will continue to be Chrisette.

My husband asked me, “what are you going to do about ya girl?” I am upset as person who has been a fan for many years. Not because her beliefs don’t match mine. But because who I feel she presented herself to be, is not true to who she is. While I can generally separate a person from their art, because I have been such an intense fan of hers, I don’t know that I can separate the two right now. As of now, most of my social media handles are Imagoodgrl. Which are a nod to a Chrisette Michele song Good Girl. This blog is called If I had my way, which is the title of her first single. I have decided for now. I am not changing anything and I won’t be buying anything else either. If you choose to continue to support her that is fine. I shan’t. My money is one of my greatest resources and I will put my money where my mouth is.

D.L. Hughley put my sentiments about Drumpf in a most perfect way. I have titled this post after his words. I changed the title a bit to be more family friendly.  I do however say “eff you forever, maybe,” because I do have hope. Hope that maybe some good will come. And if that happens I will be happy. However I shall not change my position until Drumpf has changed his.

Somberly taking in Solange’s Weary in the bare.

¹ Drumpf is the surname of Donald Trump’s family. The name was changed by his grandfather to better assimilate to the United States. You can see John Oliver speak of Donald’s long lost surname here.

 

Not my President

Tuesday, November 8, 2016. The night my sleep was elusive. Why? Because I could feel the hope draining from my life. It was about 4 or 5 O’ Clock in the evening (EST) on the 8th, I was listening to live coverage on CNN. Before any of the results were in, they were talking about exit polls and the expectancy of that night’s winner, Hillary Clinton. While conversing, someone on the panel mentioned the concept of the “hidden vote.” Hidden vote? People who would come out in support of Drumpf¹ who had publicly pledged support to Clinton. They discussed how there had never been any real proof to a “hidden vote.”

And like a ton of bricks it hit me. Drumpf is going to win tonight. What made me think that? White people hate being called racist. But they love to do racist things. In essence its the belief that, “I agree with the things that Donald Drumpf is saying but I know that people will think I’m a bad person for that. So I won’t tell anyone that I agree because I don’t want to be called a racist.”

I go home and try to get through my night. I have never checked election results so much. It was terrible. Just as I suspected the tables were turning towards Drumpf. I tried to take my mind off the elections that were tormenting me. I tried to watch funny shows and movies. Nothing. I checked the results one last time. Ugh! Go to sleep and hope for the best. I slept a terrible feather light sleep that night.

It is Wednesday. Awaken by my Husband’s exit on his way to work. I check the results. Drumpf. It was like a punch to the gut. Though my normal waking hour is hours away, I can’t go back to sleep. I write a new Facebook status, ” Hug Someone. Someone Hug me.” I get a call from my husband. “How are you feeling?” he says. While crying painful tears I respond, ” I feel personally attacked.” Validating my feelings he says ” because it is a personal attack.”

Gather myself together. I get on the commuter train, then to the metro rail. Looking at every person with disdain in my heart thinking, “Was it you? Its your fault.” Get to work to see a few people avoiding eye contact, which to me was an admission of guilt. That day EVERYTHING meant something. I was hurting. The visions for my future seemed further away. What was most hurtful was the hostility that I felt for the people who I felt “did this to me.” I didn’t like that feeling. I don’t like that feeling.

As we have drew nearer and nearer to this day. The day before the inauguration of Donald J. Drumpf. I am overly unhappy with the turn of events. Enter ABC’s Blackish. They put together the most amazing episode about the aftermath of the Drumpf election. It helped to voice my feelings and smooth the wrinkles in my heart that made me think everything would not be okay overall.

Some 8 years ago I sat down to the write My Life through the Eyes I was Given with great wisdom and hope for the life and the Presidency to come. While the current President and Administration has not been perfect, there has been great progress. The world is different now. That is virtually undeniable. More now than ever we have to be and make the change we want to see. I am more hopeful than I have ever been since November 8th. I stand firm on my convictions after 44 and until 46, the only president I acknowledge is President Tom Kirkman on Designated Survivor, because Drumpf is not my President.  

Thank you President Obama, First Lady Michelle Obama, Vice President Joe Biden, Mrs. Jill Biden, and both of your families, you all were better than we deserved.

I’m bare with reflection because… My President is Black  by Jeezy and Jayz.

 

¹ Drumpf is the surname of Donald Trump’s family. The name was changed by his grandfather to better assimilate to the United States. You can see John Oliver speak of Donald’s long lost surname here.

 

Mo’ne Davis rock on!

People talk about why Black people feel the need to have events, avenues, and venues where they uplift, encourage, and support each other. We need them because you emasculate, criminalize, and marginalize our men all the while disrespecting, dehumanizing, and oversexualizing us.  Time and time again you tell the Black woman she is not pretty enough, smart enough, outgoing enough then demonize us for being strong and independent. Daily you tell us that how we were are naturally, is not professional and is unbecoming. All the while you manipulate your women into manipulating their bodies to look more like ours. You fear our fathers, our brothers, our husbands and our friends because of the insecurities within yourselves.

As I sit and watch promos for Black Girls Rock I am saddened because there is a GREAT need for the event EVERY year… Why? Because there is 13-year-old Black girl who was referred to as a slut by an Adult man and she is asking for forgiveness on his behalf. And this is the way of this world. I’m sorry little sister you are not to accommodate an adult’s ignorance, that my sister is not a child’s place.

I want to say so many more things about how being gracious has a time and place but honestly this isn’t about that. The fact is Mo’ne Davis shouldn’t have had to respond with a statement that said more than, “When I learned about the tweet I was offended. I wish people didn’t feel the need to say things like that. But I will continue to do the best that I can to the best version of myself.” So many times we tell people to take the high road. To me that was not the high road that was the walk over me road. I am not bashing her. However I do think that the adults in her life should have guided her better. In her address of the situation she states that she knows that people get tired of seeing her. She says that she knows he didn’t mean it. And that she knows he’s worked hard to get to where he was. She then goes on to state that because we all make mistakes, he should be reinstated on his Baseball team. Why are people tired of seeing her? Is it because she was an exceptional athlete that is female in a male dominated sport? And because of this, Disney may be considering to make a movie about her? Because of this, his mistake isn’t that bad? My dear sister Mo’ne, the life we lead as Black women is a hard and difficult road without being publicly being called out of your name for excelling. Do not lower your head, you have done nothing wrong. Do not make apologies for you have nothing to apologize for. As you grow older you will see that consequences are a part of life. And just like when you do not make the right decision there is a punishment, there should also be one for him. He has disrespected you not only as an athlete but also as a young woman. He not only determined that because you “got rocked in Nevada”  (**side note** I am assuming that meant that she lost, which apparently he never did) that you did not deserve to be depicted in a movie but he also slandered your character by calling you a slut. None of which you deserved. I honestly wish you did not have to experience this but I cannot apologize for his actions because I, like you, did nothing wrong here.

Taking in Janelle Monae’s Electric Lady while completely bare to the world.

-Imagoodgrl

 

Untitled

A couple of days ago I came across a Facebook status that said something to the effect of “black out your profile picture as we await the verdict of the Trayvon Martin case.” I looked at the status and past it by. I thought to myself my changing my picture will not change the outcome that is ahead. My changing my profile picture will not matter. Then later I thought about how just weeks and months prior people changed their profile pictures to show they were in support of their cause. I thought about how when people saw this specific symbol they knew where this particular person stood on this particular issue. I thought about how for people who stood with them on the issue, some of whom changed their picture as well, may have felt as sense of oneness. I thought about that and said to myself “the Trayvon Martin case means enough to me to black out my picture.” I thought to myself people who stand with me will know they have someone showing support as well and people who don’t stand with me or don’t care will know this is important to me. I have said to many people around me that this case would be my generation’s “Rodney King.”

Fast forward to July 13, 2013. My boyfriend and I are watching Lincoln when he receives a text saying, “the verdict is in.” We pause the movie and turn to HLN. We sit and await the verdict. The wait was short, maybe a couple of minutes or so. Our hearts were literally pounding, mine harder than I can ever remember when exercise was not involved. The jury reads the verdict… NOT GUILTY.

I sit in my bed stunned and within seconds of the verdict tears pour down my face. My heart is heavy.

The press conference had nothing for me. It didn’t ease anything in my heart or my mind about what had taken place. I sit in my bed and wonder why in this day and time, where people say that race is not a factor are we shown time and time again that it is?

Weeks ago I spoke to my father and I told him, “I don’t know if I want to have kids. Raising Black kids in this time seems more difficult than before. At least, in times past you knew that you were working against the grain. Schools and media tell you that the days of working against the grain because of your race are long over. And they aren’t.” I thought about how when it came to possible issues that could arise in school my parents would tell me, “As long as your are not doing anything wrong, you won’t have anything to worry about.”  Trayvon Martin wasn’t doing anything wrong and the result was dire. I didn’t sleep well through the night. I tossed and turned. Every time I did, I could only think about the verdict that had come down. So every time I tossed or turned through the night I prayed, “Lord, give me peace.”

My heart hurts for his parents. Mr. Martin and Mrs. Fulton, I know that losing your child cannot be easy and dealing with everything that has come with what has happen has to be very difficult. I have been crying and praying for you. I know that you may not ever read this but I know that Trayvon could have been my cousin or my friend and I don’t take this lightly. You have shown such grace throughout this entire ordeal and I pray that you will be comforted in this most difficult time.

My friend posted a Facebook status saying, “i don’t wanna just be sad. what can i do to ACTUALLY make a difference?‪#‎JusticeForTrayvon‬.” I feel the same way. I don’t fake care about this situation. I actually care about this and I don’t know what I can do but I want to do something. There are people talking about how black on black crime are issues within the black community that need to be solved before we can expect for the justice we want to come to fruition. To me they are two different problems that do not have anything to do with one another. Before black people were killing each other in this country, they were being killed at the hands of others.

People have the similar argument about the use of the word nigger/ nigga by white people or people who aren’t black when black people use it. Also I say that before black people where being called nigga by one another they were being called nigger by others. Yes, there are internal issues to be resolved but the internal issues do not take away from the existing external issues.

I am very somber but I know that the bible says in Isaiah 55:8,

My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither my ways your ways. Declares the Lord.

That means that God knows what he’s doing and what the plan is. I don’t know and I can’t lie I don’t see the vision but I trust that there is a vision.

 

East to West

So for those who know I am in transition. In prior posts I have been talking about forward movement. Right now my forward movement is taking me out-of-state. Well not taking me, but I am on a journey to be out-of-state. This process hasn’t been long but it has taken quite a bit out of me.

I applied for a new job within my company in the state that I wish to move at the end of July.  The process was looking really good from the beginning and I was very hopeful. I had been praying about it and talking about it. I was convinced this job was for me. I had an interview with one hiring manager and things went well but I didn’t hear anything for almost 3 weeks. Then one day I get an email from the recruiter telling me that hiring manager I interviewed with had a hiring freeze and my application would be moved to another recruiter. So the new recruiter had me submit my application again and passed me over to a new hiring manager. So a couple of days later was my interview with the second hiring manager, I get a phone call saying there was an emergency causing the interview to be pushed back one day with a supervisor. Tomorrow comes and I have the interview. Overall I felt like the interview was okay. That was a Thursday. I receive an email from the recruiter advising me that the supervisor did not feel I had enough experience.  I was heart-broken. I was completely discouraged and unmotivated. I told my best friend who gave me a pep talk that I was not ready for.

After the “pep talk,” I went to the tire store to have my tires looked at because the tire pressure light was on in my car.  The guy at the tire store showed me a nail in one of my tires. He asked me if I wanted him to fix it and I told him yes. As he walked away with my tire I realized something… I had lost my bank card over the weekend and was waiting on a new one to be sent. I had no money to pay for this service. I then look through my purse to find one of my credit cards. I check the balance. All I could do was pray that the tire maintenance wouldn’t it be over what I had available on my card. I go to the front desk and the guy tells me “That comes to $8.” All I could think is, Thank You Jesus!

And at that moment that, something many people would overlook, meant the world to me. Everything opened up inside of me. At that moment I just felt like that was God’s way of saying that he had not forgotten about me. I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. A great big light.

So I have been working on this post for at least a week. As I began thinking about this blog I remembered some incidents. One from about a year ago. I noticed that one of my tires were low so after work I was on a mission to fill up my tire. I thought it was simple enough, I had seen my dad do it tons of times. Well as I was trying to fill my tire I did something wrong and I was letting all of the air out of my tire. In my distress I called my dad. He came from where ever it was that he was at to put air in my tire.

The other incident happened about a month or so ago. Two of my coworkers and I were going to get our eyebrows done one day after work. The three of us were going to leave work in our separate cars and meet up at the salon. Well as I am approaching my car one of the girls was having trouble starting her car. She was out of gas. Well luckily for me I have a father for times such as these, so I called him. The call went to voicemail. Later, well after the incident he called me back. I told him that my coworker was out of gas but we handled it. As I got off the phone, I looked at my coworkers and said “That was my dad calling, to see what I called for. He better have called me. I’m his daughter.”

When I was thinking about this blog I thought about Matthew 7:11 it says:

So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him.

So I thought about if my dad will, and at times does, go out of his way to help me how much more will God, The Creator of the Universe, be there for me. I was amazed. I am in such a pleasant place. Not a perfect place but a very pleasant place. Most times. I am at the place that if this particular job never opens up for me I know that God is still here with me. Not that I won’t be disappointed or sad. I will however move forward to whatever is for me.

Transparently taking in East to West by Casting Crowns in the clear.

 

Moving Forward pt 3

So you may or, most likely, may not have noticed it’s been sometime since my last posting. And honestly I have been busy-ish but I have also been lazy-ish… Well more lazy than ish when it comes to this. But I have made a safe return. With the thoughts that have brought me here today.

So yea this is a part 3. Same purpose. Same theme. Same goal. 

Months ago I was searching for what would ultimately make me happy. And now months later I am not too much closer than I was back then. I know a little bit more than I did, as it pertains to life. Things are different. But I still do not know what will make me happy or what I am supposed to be doing with my life.

I have however started putting some of my plans into action. That, I do have to say, feels really good. From time to time, I see a guy that I was in training with at my job and he always mentions where I said I wanted to be years ago. It goes as follows, ” Oh you’re still here. I remember when you said you were going to be gone in a year. How long has it been now?” And when I run into him I get annoyed that he brings it up EVERY time I see him. But the bible says in Ecclesiastes 3:1:

 To everything there is a season,
A time for every purpose under heaven:

What does that mean? I am exactly where I am supposed to be. And that feels good.

I wanted to write this blog a few days ago when a friend of my got really good news. When I met her years ago I told her (Shanette) that she reminded me of another friend of mine (Shaie). Why? Because these women are two the most focused women I know. When they put their minds to something they do it. And neither of them having a perfect life but whatever life throws their way they continue to be goal minded. It is a pleasure to see. And both of them have personalities do not disappoint. So as I move forward with this journey that I am on, I take the wisdom and knowledge from those around me. I thank God for the ability to be close enough to see your greatness.

So Congratulations to Shanette on the new journey that you are embarking on.  I’m going to come down to Atlanta to visit. And shout to Shaie for being the person you have always been. Love you both!

Refreshingly taking in Hillsong’s Lead Me to the Cross and Fred Hammond’s Awesome God while in the fog.