Absence makes the heart grow sadder

Sunday night, I cried some of the hardest most painful tears I’ve ever cried. I found out that one of the closest friends that I have died. And not just that she died but that she’s been dead for little over a month. The only word that describes how I feel right now is devastated. Definition. Devastate: to cause (someone) severe and overwhelming shock or grief. It just fits so right. I. Am. Devastated.

This isn’t the first time that I have spent crying lately. Last month my parents and youngest sister came to visit. If you didn’t know my parents live in California and I live in Maryland. I have lived here for 5 years. I have been married for 3. And the truth is while I have a good life here, probably better than I could have at home, I miss my family every single day. Holidays that were considered small mean so much when you’re away from the people you want to be with. Mother’s day, Father’s day, and all of the Kobe dates, I long for my family and I get emotional. As I dropped off my family at the airport I burst in to tears, hugging them while sobbing out “I just miss you guys so much. ” For the days following I would randomly burst into tears just thinking about how they are so far away.

Once in conversation with my husband, I told him that I always have an underlying feeling of sadness because I miss my family. I always feel bad. Last year our family have some ups and downs. My baby sister went to prom and graduation, on both of those days I felt terrible that I couldn’t be there. When there was good news, I was so happy but also filled with sadness that I’m so far away that I can’t experience this first hand. When there was bad news, I was sad about the situation but guilty that I can’t be there to provide comfort. Good times or bad, I feel guilty not because of anything anyone in my family says or does, I just want them to know I didn’t leave just to get away from them. A while back there was a disagreement within a friend group of mine and things got very heated. If I’m honest part of my anger was because I feel judged by people who live close to their family. I feel like other people think that if you choose to move away from your family, voluntarily, then that means your family is not that important to you. And for me that’s not the case. So I while I don’t think these things about other people, I feel like I’m fighting that “stigma” that no one has really put on me.

I know that there are lots of people who do not live near their families, but it feels like I’m the only one that feels so strongly about being away for their family. Maybe I’m not but no one, at least anyone I know or know of, talks about it. I think about it all of the time. So when I met a girl who’s from New York how moves to Baltimore, I just knew she got it. Even though we never spoke about it. This is might to sound weird or odd or whatever, but Janessa was the only friend that I have that was not connected in any way to my husband. I know to some that sounds crazy but it is true. Some of my friends are friends of his or their significant others. The other friends, I have are from work and even if I met them first, because my husband and I work for the same company, in the same department, and on the same floor, my coworker friends go from mine to ours. I am really odd when it comes to making friends. It makes me nervous and I always think that I’m bothering people. But I met Janessa when we worked at Macy’s and we were instant friends. And when I find a good friend, I stay close. But when the communication is slow or nonexistent, I often think that someone is either tired of me or mad at me.

About a week ago I texted Janessa asking what she was doing for her birthday, it was kind of last minute because normally the plan would have already been set. The next day I realized that I hadn’t got a response back from her which is not uncommon for us, we’re self proclaimed “shitty texters”. So I send her the lurky emoji eyes. No response for days. Is she mad at me? I told you were my mind goes. I check snap, she is always on snap, but since the update I can’t remember if I’ve seen her on there; I hadn’t. I haven’t seen anything posted on Facebook in a little while. So I check Facebook. Immediately I see a post from someone saying they miss her and they can’t believe it’s been a month already. Did she move? I know she moved apartments but she didn’t move to New York without telling me? I know we weren’t that out of touch. More messages. ” I can’t believe you’re really gone.” WHAT? *keeps scrolling* What happened!?!?!?! *keeps scrolling* My hands are literally shaking. What Happened!?!?! Then I see the memorial post. The services were held on February 17, 2018 in New York. And I just found out?!?!

I feel guilty. How did one of my closest friends die and I not know for a month? Where you guys even that close? If you were, you would have known. That is what has been running around in my head. It makes me cry. I am devastated. We were close and the fact that I found out so late is not a sign of a broken relationship. And I know it. Since we generally would only spend one on one time and had only met a few coworkers or family members, there wasn’t anyone who would have known to reach out to me. And it doesn’t matter if I had spoken to her the day, week, or month before, everything would have likely turn out the same. Outside of the lack of snaps, we weren’t out of touch for us. The fact that I recently found out has been playing with my mind, not just because of this but how I relate to friendships in general. I know she was my friend, one of my best. She went with me to my wedding dress fittings, helped me with my wedding registry, and when I lived in Cockeysville and her in Towson she’d stay over all the time. I put her on to Ikea. Tuesday night movies for $6 in Towson. We went to see Girls Trip and while talking about how some people don’t go out without their partners, she told me she used me as an example. Essentially saying that as long as we, Janessa and I, had been together as friends I was with my husband and that he, my husband, had no intentions of coming with us to see Girls Trip or breaking us, Janessa and I, up. I laughed but it was so true.

Emotions aside I know what we were to each other. Regardless of what swirls through my head. Did she know I loved her? Did she know how important she was to me? Yes. Without a doubt I know she knew. Though I can’t recall ever saying those words, I know she knew. I send her a text last year and it read

So I’m watching Basketball Wives, seeing Evelyn call Shaunie to give her that IVF shot she needed… and it made me think about how if I needed that kind of help that I feel like I could call you… and that means a lot to me… I really appreciate our friendship not to be too mushy I’m glad that where my friends are concerned I have quality over quantity.

 And she responded

Aww… I would totally come do it for you!!! I appreciate our friendship as well… Love you girl!!!

I know it was real. I want for this to not be real. I miss her soooo much. We always think about how we plan out our lives with our significant others or potential significant others but we plan our future lives with our friends too. We talk about future birthdays, a houses, baby showers, etc. To lose a friend, I don’t wish it on anyone. It hurts too much.

If I’m honest, I have no idea if this is any good. I’m in so much pain. But Today is Janessa’s birthday and I knew I need this to be up today. For her. I love you. I miss you. This is shitty.

 

Attitude- Leikeli47

-Imagoodgrl

 

Not my President

Tuesday, November 8, 2016. The night my sleep was elusive. Why? Because I could feel the hope draining from my life. It was about 4 or 5 O’ Clock in the evening (EST) on the 8th, I was listening to live coverage on CNN. Before any of the results were in, they were talking about exit polls and the expectancy of that night’s winner, Hillary Clinton. While conversing, someone on the panel mentioned the concept of the “hidden vote.” Hidden vote? People who would come out in support of Drumpf¹ who had publicly pledged support to Clinton. They discussed how there had never been any real proof to a “hidden vote.”

And like a ton of bricks it hit me. Drumpf is going to win tonight. What made me think that? White people hate being called racist. But they love to do racist things. In essence its the belief that, “I agree with the things that Donald Drumpf is saying but I know that people will think I’m a bad person for that. So I won’t tell anyone that I agree because I don’t want to be called a racist.”

I go home and try to get through my night. I have never checked election results so much. It was terrible. Just as I suspected the tables were turning towards Drumpf. I tried to take my mind off the elections that were tormenting me. I tried to watch funny shows and movies. Nothing. I checked the results one last time. Ugh! Go to sleep and hope for the best. I slept a terrible feather light sleep that night.

It is Wednesday. Awaken by my Husband’s exit on his way to work. I check the results. Drumpf. It was like a punch to the gut. Though my normal waking hour is hours away, I can’t go back to sleep. I write a new Facebook status, ” Hug Someone. Someone Hug me.” I get a call from my husband. “How are you feeling?” he says. While crying painful tears I respond, ” I feel personally attacked.” Validating my feelings he says ” because it is a personal attack.”

Gather myself together. I get on the commuter train, then to the metro rail. Looking at every person with disdain in my heart thinking, “Was it you? Its your fault.” Get to work to see a few people avoiding eye contact, which to me was an admission of guilt. That day EVERYTHING meant something. I was hurting. The visions for my future seemed further away. What was most hurtful was the hostility that I felt for the people who I felt “did this to me.” I didn’t like that feeling. I don’t like that feeling.

As we have drew nearer and nearer to this day. The day before the inauguration of Donald J. Drumpf. I am overly unhappy with the turn of events. Enter ABC’s Blackish. They put together the most amazing episode about the aftermath of the Drumpf election. It helped to voice my feelings and smooth the wrinkles in my heart that made me think everything would not be okay overall.

Some 8 years ago I sat down to the write My Life through the Eyes I was Given with great wisdom and hope for the life and the Presidency to come. While the current President and Administration has not been perfect, there has been great progress. The world is different now. That is virtually undeniable. More now than ever we have to be and make the change we want to see. I am more hopeful than I have ever been since November 8th. I stand firm on my convictions after 44 and until 46, the only president I acknowledge is President Tom Kirkman on Designated Survivor, because Drumpf is not my President.  

Thank you President Obama, First Lady Michelle Obama, Vice President Joe Biden, Mrs. Jill Biden, and both of your families, you all were better than we deserved.

I’m bare with reflection because… My President is Black  by Jeezy and Jayz.

 

¹ Drumpf is the surname of Donald Trump’s family. The name was changed by his grandfather to better assimilate to the United States. You can see John Oliver speak of Donald’s long lost surname here.

 

They that wait

This bible says in Phillipians 4:6 :

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God.

You know how you can want something so badly that you can only see what you want? If no one else has ever felt this way I have and currently do. I feel like I want so many things that I know that I can’t have right now. As time has moved forward, truthfully not a lot of time but time nonetheless, I have begun to understand the importance of exercising patience.

Everyday you may have a new list of things that you want to do or that you want. Everyday you realize what needs to be done to get to the place you want to be or to obtain what you want. You find yourself in a place where you have to wait.  Well what is patience? Dictionary.com says an ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay. I think it is funny. I remember being younger, my sister would ask my mother for some juice and my mother would tell her to wait. She would wait for a certain about of time and ask again. She would do this for as many times as it took before my mother warned if she was not patient then she would not get anything especially the juice. It was funny because she was told to wait and she did but my mother essentially wanted her to be patient.

That being said I thought about that when my friend asked me if I was bothered by something taking so long. I answered no but it did. As I thought about it more I couldn’t understand why it did. This thing that I want, I have wanted for a while. I also knew and know that it isn’t something that I can have right now. I know and have known that this is something that could not be taken lightly, yet due to things I had allowed myself to entertain thoughts, ideas, and fantasies that exceed the timeframe that I am in. So I grow seemingly less patient for the things that I want.

One of my favorite passages of scripture is Jeremiah 29:11 :

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I love it because it reminds us that things that we want that may even be for will not come to us in our time. Some people may not see it this way but I have. I understand this to tell me anything that is not going my way was set up for my ultimate victory and things that I may have to be patient for will come not in my time but in God’s time.

I was thinking on the importance of being patience. The thing is when things are rushed it typical turns for the worse. Think about how long it takes athletes to recover from injuries when they have not gone through rehab correctly. It cause the player ultimate pain. Sometimes when you want something and it is not the time for it you could cause yourself to have to back pedal. Back pedaling isn’t bad when you dont have anyway around it or when you find that you need to find to source of your issues but when you know that something should be handled with great discretion and you force it or walk into it blindly you have set yourself up for ultimate failure. I am asking those of you who are a lot like myself and feel that there are things that you want that you can not attain right now to remember that it took God six days to create the world. That being said you have to allow things to take their natural course and in the end you will be able to receive what is for you and see what you want for what it is.

Patiently drinking in The Prayers of the Righteous by Israel and New Breed with a clear conscience.

 

My heart is damaged, how you gunna fix it?

So recently I have been going through a really rough time. It’s amazing how one event can change your life status. I am hurting not beyond repair but definately beyond belief. I am not going into detail about the circumstances about why I feel this way and I appreciate in advance for you not contacting me to ask me what is wrong.

Normally I don’t have a need to explain my title but tonight I will. I generally can take something benefical from anything. In this case it is Danity Kane’s Damaged. Ever since I heard the song I always felt as though it was a communication with God. Now I just want to say I do not think that this song is a gospel song.  I just did I just see it this way. As weird as you make think it is I just got that.  The part that really made me feel this way says “Can you fix my  h-e-a-r-t Cause it’s d-a-m-a-g-e-d Tell me are you up for the challenge… My heart is damaged damaged damaged.” I just always thought that. And now that I feel that my heart and prespective of the world are damaged those words speak to me.

Certain places are supposed to be solace and not battlegrounds but in life the tides often turn. I just don’t think anyone can understand how I feel about the events of the recent past. I normally am not emotional person. I will tell anyone that I have emotions but I am not emotional. Today I have been feel very emotional and conflicted. Through life we hold certain titles and I have picked up one that I never thought I would.

Physically my heart hurts. I probably could use a hug but I need to reject them right now. I can’t explain, that is how I feel right now. I know that if I needed an ear someone would lend theirs but right now I can’t have outside influence or opinion.

However since this situation I have decided not to settle. Period. I can’t. I want only what is for me and I will have that. I have plans and goals. This will not stop me.I know that I can’t not take a break from life. There are more important things than me in this moment right now. This will not be the death of me or my spirit. I believe in the “grace that restores visions and dreams/ grace that releases mircles.” I’M A SURVIVOR I WIN! Thank you. You know who you are I needed that. I know it maybe a little bothersome not to know the situation, but I hold good on my promises and I said I would let you in and I will.

Painfully yet optmistically drinking in Byron Cage’s I need you now while damaged and bare.

 

Strength. Is it in you?

My mother used to tell me, “Don’t say what wouldn’t do because you never know what you will do when you’re in certain situations.”  For some parts of my life my mother’s statement is true, but there are somethings that I know how I would handle certain situations. Today I am just going to keep it easy, kind of like an update on what I think about life.

On Tuesday June 2, 2009 a boy from my church drowned in the pool at his house. He had been riding his bike and fell into the pool. When his cousin found him, he was unconscious and his mother tried to resuscitate him.  Due to the nature of the situation the ambulance arrived and took him to the nearest hospital where they were able to revive him. The boy was 4. All everyone could think of was how soon it had happened and that just the Sunday prior we had seen him.

Fast forward to today when you see both his parents in service, not as spectators but at their posts. They pushed through all of their hurt and pain not only to attend church but to maintain their regular duties in service. His mother is on the praise dance team and she danced this morning, as I spoke to one of the other dance team members he told me that they always dance no matter what. He told me that the coordinator said it’s the best way to release. I thought about how sometimes you have to continue your regular commitments in times of anguish and pain just to maintain. And with the support of their family and church family they seemingly made it through a very hard day.

As my sister and I were driving in the car I said to her, “they don’t know who they touched by just being at service today not to mention participating.” It took my mind back to watching an episode of Run’s House when his wife delivered her third child only to have her third child die soon after. I was amazed by their strength and the will to press forward despite an undisputedly hard time. The strength in both families has touched me in so many ways. I thought about how the things I once counted as trials are really not, they merely speed bumps. The difference a trial is something that is long and drawn out and intense; a speed bump slows you on your way to somewhere else.

I thought about a conversation I had with a friend of mine about what I want in a person in my life and I don’t recall if I said anything about strength, but after the events of this week I have seen a side of strength that I cannot life without. I say this because sometimes life brings you trials and obstacles and if someone in your life cannot have to strength to build you up when you are broken down it makes for a useless friendship, relationship, or partnership. I saw the support that came from within and it amazed me in their times of sorrow. What I saw is not taught, it is cultivated. This has shown me that undoubtedly bad things will happened but it is important how you rebound because it shows what is truly inside of you.

Retrospectively drinking in Byron Cage’s I need you now with gold dazzle.

 

And then reality set in

I want to first say that this is the most transparent that I have been on here so please just keep in mind today you are not reading my mind, you are reading my soul. Today I lost a good friend and it was a complete shock. Now he didn’t die but he is definately dead to me. We didn’t fall out necessary, he just said for him he couldn’t continue to be my friend. He is my ex boyfriend and he was my closest friend.

It started as a unique friendship that turned into a unique relationship that returned to a unique friendship. And I knew that it could be hard moving from one phase to the next. I never thought we would be here. We built a friendship, a relationship, created a life together. Now that life is gone and so is the relationship and the friendship. He said he couldn’t handle to reality of having me in his life and not sharing it with me so he made the decision to eliminate the source of the problem to his life. Me. And it hurts.

I dont have many friends, and definately none nearly as close as he was and now its gone. I have lost friends before but never in this way. I feel like I couldn’t be more hurt if he were to have died. More than anything else, if I could go back and never allow the friendship to take a romantic relationship turn I would, just to ensure that I would still have my friend. My heart is truly hurting and I don’t know what to do.

I mean I can’t lie. I want to try to talk him out of this decision. I don’t think it’s for the best. But for him it’s something that has to be done and it is the best. I feel like he’s selfish for not seeing what his friendship means to me and allowing the fact that our relationship ended crumble the friendship we started before that. Maybe its the timeframe in which it happened that makes it so difficult to understand or comprehend. I just need the time to heal. So I thank you in advance to giving me the space and time to heal.

Tearfully drinking Solange’s Would’ve been the one and Beyonce’s Broken-hearted girl while bare.

 

Bounce Bounce Back?

So as promised… I am back. So how do I feel? Well, about today? I will write about that later… with the help of dunsun of course… which will be dope so… tune in next time. But physically I am sore super sore. So how did I get this way? It is a not so funny story.

So on Sunday my dad , the youth pastor at our church, has a gathering at the skating rink. All week our assistant pastor had been teasing me about going to the skating event… So we are at the rink… I see the assistant pastor on the rink… and say “oh you finally made it out on the floor?” and he said ” I’m gunna get you.” And I take off… only to fall… frontward… hit my knees then tumble on to my side… And as I see people behind me, I bring my feet in because I would have been made if someone fell on me, I would me HOT! So I bounce back like Beyonce did in Orlando…

But… yesterday I was super sore… how sore you ask? I needed bengay, for my ribs, arms, and ankles and I needed  icyhot sleeves for my knees… yea it rhymes but it ain’t funny tho.  I always be huffin’ up the stairs at work… but today all up the stairs all bad…

So until I get all my thoughts together I’m drinking in Jay-z My President is Black and my nails are damaged natural…

 

I’m focused man

So in a conversation that I had with a friend of my mine, I discussed guys that I believed would be good boyfriends. Shout out to Rob for motivation to write tonight… lol… And with his question lead more questions so with that I will paste the convo and expand on it.

ROB: out of all the guys u know…who do u think would be a great bf?
ME: i have a few… my friend Charles, Jon, Nick and you
ROB: would u personally date any of them?
ME: yea…
ROB: im not gonna ask who…lol
ROB: we gonna leave that private
ME: lol… i would date all of them… good men with good hearts
ROB: oh
ROB: so they could win ur heart huh?
ME: if they tried…
ROB: oh
ROB: minus me…do they know this?
ME: no because it never came up… i don’t think they would be surprised… i think [some]the guys i know who aren’t on this list would be more surprised
ROB: lol y?
ME: because there are guys that i have liked that arent on this list…and guys other ppl would consider good guys… the guys on this list some have sincerely liked me…all connect [with]… all understand me in one way or another… some have been hurt… but none of them would intentionally be doing the hurting… i can’t [say] that for most of my guy friends… i’m in the crew i kno what goes on
ROB: ha ha
ROB: yea i know what u mean

And that little conversation I said a lot. People generally do not know how you feel about them or how you see them unless you tell them. So here goes. I feel the guys that I mentioned show a tremendous amount of integrity. In all the years that I have known them, well most of them. And not that some people who aren’t on the list do not but these guys are men who I believe are guys who do the right thing because its right and for no other reason and that is a quality that I love in a person. Not that they are super human or that I’m trying to be either of them’s next girlfriend, they are just good men with good hearts.  I hope the women who are blessed enough to have them in their lives understand that “you don’t meet [people] like that every dynasty.”

So until right now I’m drinking my sorrows away in Beyonce’s Gift from Virgo…and nail polish still pure

 

Ave Maria

So lately I’ve been going issues with both my relationship and myself… And by the way I arranged that last sentence if you can’t see why I had issues you are the only one… The relationship came before me most of the time and when it didn’t, he did. And that was my fault I didn’t realize that until I had gotten swept away. When I did I was at the end of that rope with no hope! I loved this person with all my heart. At the end of the day I was upset. One day everything that I felt hit at one time… After 6 days with no communication, I broke my silence. When I did, I said everything that I could have possibly have thought of. A lot of tears were lost. Pleas were made. More important a heart was broken and one was breaking. Promises were made, promises that sounded like ones that were broken in the past. A partial decision was made. Time was needed. So I used my time to think. Between my heart, my brain, and Sex and the City. I made a decision to start over. Understanding that I was not an innocent party but that things had to change. I have decided that I will not be a second string concern nor will my relationship or my partner. I just need more time for me. And the crazy thing is I am always on edge about other things that more or less won’t concern me for too much longer. I am a new me! Ave Maria!

“Albert Camus once wrote, “Blessed are the hearts that can bend; they shall never be broken.” But I wonder if there’s no breaking then there’s no healing, and if there’s no healing then there’s no learning. And if there’s no learning then there’s no struggle. But the struggle is a part of life. So must all hearts be broken?”

My current addiction: I am… Sasha Fierce : Radio. Nails currently painted: a chipped navy blue

 

I’m still in love with who you were

Used: (v.) to take unfair advantage of, exploit. To use people to gain one’s own ends.

Unappreciated: (v.) not an actual word(though it should be). The complete opposite of appreciated, so here it goes: to not be grateful or thankful for. To feel like what is being given is required. How I feel RIGHT now.

By almost everyone in my life… $120 here. $200. Ugg boots… Keianna’s just in the money. Now it’s not that I don’t want to give… Not it at all.

Ok. I’m just going to start. I would bend over backwards for anyone… I told a friend of mine not so long ago, who was having a hard time “I know that it is in you to give and be helpful, but what happens when not only do you not have anything to give them but to yourself?” And know those words are my own.

I understand that things are tight but by not acknowledging that you continually ask for a bit here and there but never say “oh I know that I got that from you I just don’t have it right now,” you are taking advantage. Or the look that you gave me “Babe, could you just add a little bit more so I can have a little bit more?” Once again taking advantage.

Now I know that this may not make the most sense. I am just not at the point to open up completely yet. You’re new to my life. But I digress.

Now I realize you ask for things and if I can’t get it. I just can’t and you will understand.

But I do know why I never tried to completely end that chapter and start a new one. It takes a lot to start over because you have to be open and transparent to make it work. Goodbye. Closed chapters.

So today I am making it known. I.AM . TIRED. Of everything. Taking a backseat. Not having the life I want. Settling. I WILL NO LONGER SETTLE. Until next time: my drink of choice is: Sol Angel and the Hadley St. Dreams. Nail polish: navy blue.